My ex fiancé has killed me as a person and left me not being able to trust again

[Shame187]

Hello,


Ive just recenty come out of a two year relationship with my fiancé. She was an undiagnosed BPD by my councillor and has now left me in total disarray.

In a nut shell this split resulted over a cake cutter for the wedding that I didn't like which turned into a act of betrayal.

During our 2 year relationship i was asked to pay off two credit cards one of which i took out a personal loan to cover  (14k), and then found out there was another one and was told that if i loved her i should pay it off as well because she said she knew i had the money... .

I also on our one year anniversary was ridiculed because i got her diamond earings that were not white gold, and the tag watch i bought her for xmas was no good either because it wasnt brought from a high end store, not to mention when i had to buy a new company car i was being selfish because i should have paid off the one i had and given it to her so as that she could sell her car and pay off her debts!

The first time we had a break for a while i also was accused of ending it for good because i asked her for my told chain back that she said she should have kept to sell and pay her debts.

Having said this i went back to her and once again was placed on a pedestal for 3 months and I stupidly asked her to marry me, thinking it would change her... .It didnt!

Her mood swings and constant mistrust issues became worse, couldnt see my freinds, was accused of going else where when i was five minutes late home and accused of seeing people if i was allowed to go to the football... .

Along me this was me going guarantor on a new car for her as well... .

I chose to have a breAk again after she attacked me And punched me in the back of the head five times and in retaliation i kicked a whole in the door and her response was " see you always resort to violence " What the heck!

Since moving out i have not seen her since - its been 7 weeks of NC and now im on antidepressants, valium and am seeing a councillor... .

Is this normal behaviour on her part? How can they just switch off? Was it all fake ? And was i used?

[Turkish]

Shame187,

I'm sorry that you were used like that. A prime characteristic of a healthy relationship is that we should not have to prove our love by acceding to demands like that. A lot of us have let ourselves get caught up in such a dynamic.

You did the right thing by seeking professional help. After all that you did for her, the fact that she resorted to physical violence telegraphs an extremely unstable personality. Was it fake? You did what you thought to prove your love. I can only guess on her side, but it's likely that romantic partners giving into her Queen-like demands means love in her disordered world-view.

As for her, have you protected yourself legally and physically from further contact? Or is NC enough to keep her away?

Turkish

[Shame187]

Turkish,

Thanks for the reply... .

Legally I think im quite stuffed if she decides not to pay for her loans as i will have to take them over... .

However i would pay any amount of money to take away the mental pain she has caused me... .

What i would love to understand is how i can be the best thing since sliced bread and now im thw worst person ever in the world?

[Turkish]

Turkish,

Thanks for the reply... .

Legally I think im quite stuffed if she decides not to pay for her loans as i will have to take them over... .

However i would pay any amount of money to take away the mental pain she has caused me... .

What i would love to understand is how i can be the best thing since sliced bread and now im thw worst person ever in the world?

From a financial perspective, it could be that you no longer met those needs, and you asserted a boundary, so she split you black. Often, there is no identifiable trigger. See here for more:

Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorders live in an immature psychological world, fueled by certain constitutional vulnerabilities, where they attempt to shield themselves from conflict and anxiety by splitting the world into all good and all bad. Although this produces an sense of psychological safety, in fact, it renders relationships fragile and chaotic and drives away the very people who are so badly needed to provide stability in the borderline's life.

This article may also help:

Article 1: How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves