Now I'm Angry (at my exgfBPD & Myself)

[WhatJustHappened?]

Well, I guess it's official. I am angry. I've had the moment where everything starts to fall into place. That moment you say to yourself "oh, that's why that seemed odd at the time... .because that lovely woman was LYING TO ME!" 

I'm angry at her for being a cruel person. Disorder or no disorder, it's just cruel to treat people like I was treated. I feel like I was hunted down, used and then thrown away. This was one of my first loves who contacted me out of the blue and then hooked me in under the disguise of "fate and destiny". Yeah, OK.

But I have no one to blame but myself. I saw the signs and chose to ignore them. I could have broken it off much earlier but didn't. That's on me and is my responsibility. I can't be a victim like her.

I hate to say it but I want revenge. How dare anyone treat me this way and not face the consequences. It's a good thing she lives far away as I might have had a very weak moment where some tires would end up mysteriously punctured or a windshield broken I wish there was a BPD court where a trial and punishment could be rendered.

I would like to believe that Karma will fix everything but it won't. I've seen too many good people rolled over and too many bad people thrive.

That's it, I have vented. It would be nice to read some of your opinions. This NEWBY could use some interaction with the group.

Thanks for reading.

[DyingLove]

Well, I guess it's official. I am angry. I've had the moment where everything starts to fall into place. That moment you say to yourself "oh, that's why that seemed odd at the time... .because that lovely woman was LYING TO ME!" 

I'm angry at her for being a cruel person. Disorder or no disorder, it's just cruel to treat people like I was treated. I feel like I was hunted down, used and then thrown away. This was one of my first loves who contacted me out of the blue and then hooked me in under the disguise of "fate and destiny". Yeah, OK.

But I have no one to blame but myself. I saw the signs and chose to ignore them. I could have broken it off much earlier but didn't. That's on me and is my responsibility. I can't be a victim like her.

I hate to say it but I want revenge. How dare anyone treat me this way and not face the consequences. It's a good thing she lives far away as I might have had a very weak moment where some tires would end up mysteriously punctured or a windshield broken I wish there was a BPD court where a trial and punishment could be rendered.

I would like to believe that Karma will fix everything but it won't. I've seen too many good people rolled over and too many bad people thrive.

That's it, I have vented. It would be nice to read some of your opinions. This NEWBY could use some interaction with the group.

Thanks for reading.

Stay positive. I know that sounds like BS right now, but we all get angry and rage, and I do especially.  I find that when you can sincerely be positive and not lament on this stuff, that is when things go your way. But you gotta be sincere and NON vengeful. That anger only hurts us.  I've got proof... .My heart is still broken.  I wish you the best and keep posting and asking  stuff.  We share common ground... .but the court thing is a good idea!

[Mister Brightside]

We've all fallen from atop a pedestal we were placed on. As a result, we've all come crashing down to the Earth, hurt and confused, wondering what happened to the person who put us on that pedestal. All our stories have different characters and different scenes, but the plot is the same. So, my friend, we know of your pain.

Sadly, nothing can be done to reconcile with a borderline who always plays the victim. The only way, the only way to return to a sense of normalcy is no contact. It's good that you live far away, not only to keep you from seeking revenge, but it makes it easier to avoid contact (if you can manage to ignore their online presence).

Many of us are angry for being used and discarded as objects. It is such a defeating feeling that someone acted like we were the world to them and once we felt that insane high, we suddenly meant nothing to them.

As far as anger, on a Reddit.com post, one guy was so angry he claimed that any borderline who knows they have the disorder and doesn't tell people they have it (such as romantic interests), they should be put in a concentration camp. I'm not saying I agree, but I'm simply pointing out that you aren't alone in your extreme anger.

[Mutt]

I hate to say it but I want revenge.

"He who seeks revenge should remember to dig two graves." - Chinese proverb

I can understand feeling angry and wanting to get back at her. I felt the same way. I think anger is a natural part of the healing process. I wanted to heal and I didn't want to continue to remember how I was wronged. I worked through the anger and didn't want it to lead to bitterness because I had already gone through enough emotionally.

Why should I make myself feel miserable with feelings of resentment after having felt those feelings in the r/s? I wanted to be free and find peace and I did that with detaching. I had suffered enough. There are many lessons if you work through the pain. I absolutely get the anger, feel it and don't let it consume you.

[enlighten me]

I could have written your post word for word. First love contacting out of the blue. Fate and all that. Also ffelt vengeful.

I assure you karma gets them even though it may not seem like it.

My ex wife is married to someone who is controlling and moody and she is miserable. My exgf may seem to go through life without a care in the world but she is always miserable underneath and always scared. I think living like that is more than enough karma for what they do.

[disillusionedandsore]

I can relate so much to this also.  Discovering the bare faced lie and the pennies starting to drop like coins from a slot machine... .All those times,  things just didn't add up,  bizarre happenings that I used to say 'could only happen to you' while smiling affectionately at him... .Urgghh!  Cringe... .It's absolutely horrible.  This is what caused the trauma for me,  realising that he had got my love,  acceptance,  affection,  patience,  understanding,  trust all under false pretences.  I was outraged.  I wanted (in fantasy) to get one of those mega speakers and drive around town telling EVERYBODY this guy is a fraud... .What did I do?  Cut him off,  no discussion,  nothing,  (he knew the game was up),  cried  like a baby, looked for emotional support and almost ten months later am trying to deal with the litany of hurts and transgressions many have described... .Goddamn awful. I was outraged,  am still outraged at times... .I don't even know what spin he has put on it out there... .But having read here about smear campaigns that fits him too... .  I dont want to know because it would only add fuel to the pot and he wins every time I get vexed,  that was his number one skill,  to insult,  devalue before I knew what had hit me and why I was feeling 'off'.  Uck.

[FannyB]

It's good that you're angry. Anger is an energy. Your pride's been hurt and you wont stand for it! This will pass and in time you'll almost laugh at how ridiculous it all was. You'll also come to realize how utterly fcked up your ex truly is. Then you'll realize that you've dodged a bullet that she insists on firing at herself. 

[Trog]

Well, I guess it's official. I am angry. I've had the moment where everything starts to fall into place. That moment you say to yourself "oh, that's why that seemed odd at the time... .because that lovely woman was LYING TO ME!" 

I'm angry at her for being a cruel person. Disorder or no disorder, it's just cruel to treat people like I was treated. I feel like I was hunted down, used and then thrown away. This was one of my first loves who contacted me out of the blue and then hooked me in under the disguise of "fate and destiny". Yeah, OK.

But I have no one to blame but myself. I saw the signs and chose to ignore them. I could have broken it off much earlier but didn't. That's on me and is my responsibility. I can't be a victim like her.

I hate to say it but I want revenge. How dare anyone treat me this way and not face the consequences. It's a good thing she lives far away as I might have had a very weak moment where some tires would end up mysteriously punctured or a windshield broken I wish there was a BPD court where a trial and punishment could be rendered.

I would like to believe that Karma will fix everything but it won't. I've seen too many good people rolled over and too many bad people thrive.

That's it, I have vented. It would be nice to read some of your opinions. This NEWBY could use some interaction with the group.

Thanks for reading.

Yes. Quite right. That's exactly what happened. I just wrote on another thread on lists that this is exactly what happens. Precisely because of our characteristics we are 'chosen', with far more deliberate and cunning than we realise and then when we rise up or challenge the inequality, they don't try to put the relationship right as we tried all thru it, they leave and find someone else. That's their disorder and they are incapable of anything resembling the love you/we want.

Hurts like a mutha doesn't it? All that effort and time and doing things you didn't really want to thinking they would see your efforts or some reward would come, but no, it's bottomless and then when they are sure you're not going to bend to their world view. Cheerio history/relationship/marriage - this toy isn't doing what it should, let's not fix it (as there is nothing wrong with me - they think) the toy is just broken and I need a different one. Cheery-bye, adios, see ya.

At some point the silver lining will appear, if we were lucky we could have gone out whole lives not having a romantic relationship with such an arse. But im beginning to see, it would have happened at some point and if I run thru my exes, they start out sweet at 18 and get steadily worse and more abusive as I reached my late twenties. I had awesome girlfriends and I chucked them. It won't happen again. I wish I were not 35 and getting it, but better late than never.

Anger is a stage you have to face, I was there for aaaaaggggeeess, it doesn't serve me anymore it makes me look tired and ugly. Im in sad acceptance but greatful for the work im doing and the more that lies ahead so the next leap... .will by the leap home!

It hurts; but it will pass.

[FannyB]

At some point the silver lining will appear, if we were lucky we could have gone out whole lives not having a romantic relationship with such an arse.

Trog

Love your terminology mate. May not be 'clinically acceptable' - but hits the spot for me! 

[mitatsu]

Still the sex was good eh?... .but i'm taking the credit for that as i'm awesome 

[Ex_CB_Partner]

Well, I guess it's official. I am angry. I've had the moment where everything starts to fall into place. That moment you say to yourself "oh, that's why that seemed odd at the time... .because that lovely woman was LYING TO ME!" 

I'm angry at her for being a cruel person. Disorder or no disorder, it's just cruel to treat people like I was treated. I feel like I was hunted down, used and then thrown away. This was one of my first loves who contacted me out of the blue and then hooked me in under the disguise of "fate and destiny". Yeah, OK.

But I have no one to blame but myself. I saw the signs and chose to ignore them. I could have broken it off much earlier but didn't. That's on me and is my responsibility. I can't be a victim like her.

I hate to say it but I want revenge. How dare anyone treat me this way and not face the consequences. It's a good thing she lives far away as I might have had a very weak moment where some tires would end up mysteriously punctured or a windshield broken I wish there was a BPD court where a trial and punishment could be rendered.

I would like to believe that Karma will fix everything but it won't. I've seen too many good people rolled over and too many bad people thrive.

That's it, I have vented. It would be nice to read some of your opinions. This NEWBY could use some interaction with the group.

Thanks for reading.

I was exactly at the same place some months ago. Like probably most of us here. I had the same thoughts. Well, I finally never really went for any actual revenge and today I´m happy about that as it makes me feel good that I resisted the "vengeance pressure"... .;-)

That you are going through such a phase I´d consider as absolutely normal. Once you´re ready start focusing on yourself. It´s hard at the beginning as you´ll have to recognize your stake in the mess but if you keep working on yourself till the end you might end up in a better state than ever before in your whole life. That´s at least what I experienced. Nonetheless, the hardest way I ever had to go... .

When blaming her... .Never forget you are dealing with a MENTALLY ILL person. Her behavior and words seem to be crazy, cruel, unpredictable, absolutely inconsistent... .However, the patterns are very simple ones and they are repeating again and again. You are dealing with an emotional child. Think about how you´d evaluate her actions when she was a 3 year-old. Once you realized that fact with its full extend it will be easier.

Good luck on your way... .

[JIMB]

Thank god for you though it sounds like no children where involved. And you are able to disconnect from this manipulative emotional bully. I have had to endure 18 months of trying to separate from one of these creatures who is using my child as a weapon in every way possible, and also as a tool to avoid any responsibility what's so ever. In some ways I envy you as the most you have to deal with is hurt and humiliation from their mistreatment. Take a deep breath and be greatful you escaped this one, and that you don't have to endure the crazy anymore, don't have to worry about your child/children ensuring it. And you can move on emotionally, and materially without facing all financial legal problems that comes when BPD accuse you of abusing them because you won't dance to their tune anymore.

All the best and please don't succumb to anger, try replace it with gratefulness that you have been spared your freedom to move on. I'm sure a great lady awaits, and you have tools to spot another crazy a mile away also & won't be suckered again... .

BTW - I agree that once identified BPDs should be handled differently, most definitely in the field of divorce & family law.

[UserName69]

I understand what you have written. I decided to move on and I'm dating an another girl now but I do hate my exBPD a lot. I don't have any respect for her or ever will, I really can't stand her anymore.

A while ago I saw her. She looked really terrible, she was in a very bad shape. I couldn't believe I had a relationship with her once, I couldn't believe this used to be the girl I used to sleep and have sex with.

The hate I feel for her made me only realize how ugly she is from the in and outside. This is how they always will be believe me. There is no need to destroy her property, it will made things only bad for YOU! Don't give her that joy. Just let her be who she want's to be, she will never ever be a happy person nor experience real love.

Do I hate my exBPD? Yes I really hate her but that doesn't mean I'm going to hurt her or destroy her property. She's destroying herself without knowing it.

[WhatJustHappened?]

Thank you all for your support and kind words. It does hurt and yep, the sex was the best I have ever had. In fact it was so good, I just had over $200 worth of STD testing done as I have feeling I'm not the only lucky guy. Her sex drive was through the roof (because of me of course).