Anger

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi, my husband left me 1 yr. and 1month ago for the second time. We had been together for 14 years , married for 13. I lost two children during that time and he lost his parents, but we were raising my granddaughter, who is now 13 and was 15 months old when my daughter died. I always knew there was something that was not quite right with my husband's behavior. Eight years ago he left me and went back to his ex wife who he was only married to for 2 months. They had been divorced for 10 years, needless to say I was devastated. When he did come back it was because I begged him to, and I know now what a huge mistake that was. He was misdiagnosed at first, his diagnosis was bi polar, which most likely is part of his problem, but this time he went from zero to sixty in his feelings of hatred towards me. Nothing he did made any sense unless you understand BPD, he took me to the jewelry store and picked out a new bridal set for me two months before he left and left me stuck paying for it on top of all the other bills and the deer farm we had. He is an alcoholic on top of his illness which only made things worse. He acted impulsively and walked out on us on a spring evening after my granddaughter's soccer game. We didn't know where he was for 3 weeks. He told me in one of his messages that it was time to move on ! He has threatened to kill himself before, and actually ended up in the hospital. We have been so traumatized by the hurt and terrible things he has done to us.

[mrsrebel]

Hi, my husband left me 1 yr. and 1month ago for the second time. We had been together for 14 years , married for 13. I lost two children during that time and he lost his parents, but we were raising my granddaughter, who is now 13 and was 15 months old when my daughter died. I always knew there was something that was not quite right with my husband's behavior. Eight years ago he left me and went back to his ex wife who he was only married to for 2 months. They had been divorced for 10 years, needless to say I was devastated. When he did come back it was because I begged him to, and I know now what a huge mistake that was. He was misdiagnosed at first, his diagnosis was bi polar, which most likely is part of his problem, but this time he went from zero to sixty in his feelings of hatred towards me. Nothing he did made any sense unless you understand BPD, he took me to the jewelry store and picked out a new bridal set for me two months before he left and left me stuck paying for it on top of all the other bills and the deer farm we had. He is an alcoholic on top of his illness which only made things worse. He acted impulsively and walked out on us on a spring evening after my granddaughter's soccer game. We didn't know where he was for 3 weeks. He told me in one of his messages that it was time to move on ! He has threatened to kill himself before, and actually ended up in the hospital. We have been so traumatized by the hurt and terrible things he has done to us.

[Mutt]

Hi mrsrebel,



I'm so sorry you had to go this and the loss of your children. It's frustrating, confusing when our loved ones display behaviors and we can't quite put our finger on what the problem is. BPD is a serious disorder and he was was struggling with alcohol addiction and suicide ideation

I'm glad that you have found us. Many of our members here can relate and provide guidance and support. It helps to talk.

He left just over a year ago for the second time. Do you hear from him?

[mrsrebel]

I have not heard from him, except in a hearing for spousal support, he tells everybody it's my fault. When he left me, I called the state police to get my pick up because he had it, this was three weeks after he left me, and I had no idea where he was and why he was living with his cousin's girlfriend until that day, who is only 22 and he is 38, but when I found out where she lived  I went there because the state police told me that legally I could get my truck as long as there was no contract between us, so naturally when I saw him my emotions went wild, and while I was asking him where my truck was, his little girlfriend came out of the house and knocked me down, my granddaughter was with me as well as my son, and I tried to defend myself by grabbing her hair, and my son screamed at him to do something because he just stood there. We left and that night he called my phone and said he was pressing charges against me and my son, and that is exactly what they did. They told the town police that we attacked them, and now I have been accused  as well as my son for misdemeanors that we did not commit. we have a hearing / plea conference scheduled for June 23rd. This has been hanging over me and my son for a year and the commonwealth of Penna took the case, the DA is trying to charge us. To have your husband do this as well to the little girl who called him dad, and my son is horrible, I can't let go of what he has done ! Actually I didn't hear from him but my ex husband did, he called his phone last summer and told him that I better sleep with one eye open because I wasn't being very nice to him. My ex took it to the state police , but as usual , they said they couldn't do anything because he didn't say specifically what he was going to do to me, really ?

[Mutt]

Of course you felt angry if you hadn't heard from him and he had your pick-up truck. He's telling everyone it's your fault and there's a good chance he has told his girlfriend its your fault. It would make sense that she tried to knock you down and you had your granddaughter and son with you. That sounds scary.

That also must of been stressful having this hang over your head for a year   I don't get why the State Police w said they can't do anything about a threat. Have you got a L ( lawyer ) to figure all of this out? How's your family and emotional support?

[mrsrebel]

Yes we have an attorney, but I am very disappointed in him. I believe this should have been settled at the preliminary hearing a year ago, but my lawyer drug it out. As far as the state police, they told my ex husband that my husband didn't specify what he was going to do to me ! I just want this all to be over, my heart and spirit as well as my granddaughter's has been destroyed. She called us mom and dad, because she was so little when my daughter died. I pray I never run into any one like him ever again. He cheated and lied over and over, he had mood swings constantly, and never loved us the way I wanted him to. I know in my heart that we are better off. I have even prayed for him !  I think my wounds are so deep this time that it will take a long time to heal. I don't have a lot of support, my daughter in law blames me for the charges against me and my son. I know in hind site that I should have asked the sheriff to go with me, but when the state police said I could go get my truck, I never thought this would happen. He went off of his meds a long time ago, so who knows what he's capable of. Thank you for listening to me, I have many friends who support me but still don't understand the depth of emotions along with all of this.

[Mutt]

It's good to hear that you have friends that you can turn to for emotional support.

He may of been the type of person that can hold it together around people? BPD is an invisible disorder. Often the lashing out is behind closed doors and our experiences are so far from the range of normalcy that it is difficult for people to empathize and make that connection.

I understand that the wounds run very deep from a loved one with a severe mental illness. I think it helps to share our stories and read similar experiences from other survivors. You're not alone in this journey. Are you working with a T ( Therapist )?

You may want to check out legal board [L3] Family law, divorce, custody  for advice from other members that have experience with a person with a personality disorder and the judicial system