Adult Daughter with BPD

[Scolebentcher]

Hello BPD Family,

I was inspired to join this group because I am so stressed out over my adult daughter's recent behaviour. She was diagnosed with BPD years ago after very rocky tween and teen years. I have read many stories other have written about their BPD children and they all sound so familiar.  I actually thought my daughter was recently doing much better. She was employed, recently married and seem to be balancing things financially. Then all of a sudden she decided she did not want to be married and immediately and openly started dating someone else. She then financed a rather large purchase and quit her job the next day. She quit her job because she said it physically bothered her but then took another job only a few days later doing the exact same thing. My heart goes out to her husband who was basicall "kicked to the curb" so quickly. I could go on and on. She is extremely impulsive and cant seem to look ahead to see how her actions will play out... .but I can and it keeps me awake at night. Sometimes she is just lovely... .and outgoing and motivated young lady. Other times she is impulsive and mean... .mean to the point of being scary. I am sad for her that she cant seem to find peace but also extremely sad for me. I love her so much but I am just so burnt out by all her behaviour. It is awful to say but I wish she would move away so I do not always have to witness her behaviour. I dont want to enable her but what happens when she ends up homeless? I just cant handle the stress of living with her again.  :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Butterflygirl]

I just cant handle the stress of living with her again

The last time I lived with my son there was so much stress that he crossed the line and hit me. I told him he had to go. I am embarrassed to say this but I pay his rent rather than live with him. I think when I run out of money I am prepared to have him be homeless. Once you get to a shelter they find you housing. My heart goes out to you. I am not recommending you pay his rent. This was a personal, and bad, choice I know. But when it comes to my son I am a very sick person. I get physically ill from worrying that he will go to prison. God help me

[kelti1972]

Hi Scole:

Welcome to our family.  Yes we kicked our son out of our house and and yes he was homeless for three or four days.  It killed me and I thought I would die.  I didn't and he didn't and he ended up in a sober living place for three months.  I needed the break and he learned alot.  He found a therapist and is going to do DBT for a year.  He is now back home.

He has not yet been married or in a serious relationship or had a full-time job.  That would be very hard to have that and then them relapse.  I cannot imagine how hard that would be.  I have heard that it does happen.  Keep coming back to our site.  There is a lot of support and help and knowledge here.  Kelti

[lbjnltx]

Hello Scolebentcher,

We are glad you are here telling us about your fears for your daughter and yourself. 

I can see why you would be concerned about the extremes in her recent behaviors.  The impulsiveness of her choices are troubling.  It seems she is doing ok though... .

Sometimes we can't help our worrying, and we need to for our own sake.  Past experiences, and the fear of the possibility of experiencing them again are scary.  The best we can do is learn skills to cope, change the relationship dynamic, and have boundaries in place to protect ourselves.

A good place to begin to turn this around would be getting out of the FOG... .Fear, Obligation, and Guilt.

I hope reading this will help:  Emotional Blackmail:  Get out of the FOG

Does anything in that information strike a chord with you?  Let's talk about it, ok?

lbj

[madmom]

Oh yes, the roller coaster ride of emotions and disaster that BPD leaves with all of us who love someone with this awful illness.   I am sorry for your pain and confusion.   Although your daughter sounds like she is making some pretty serious mistakes and choices, sometimes we have to let them "sleep in the bed" they make for themselves.  My experience is my daughter didn't start making gains in getting better until we (my husband and I) made up our minds to stop enabling and set boundaries for what we would and wouldn't do for her.  (Some of these revolved around money to give her to bail herself out of a jam)  Our relationship with her also is much better with her living on her own than here.  I am able to treat her more like the adult that she is and I can deep myself much more regulated without the stress of her living here and dealing with the BPD issues all of the time.   I hope things get better for you.   I would encourage you to spend time on the tools and lessons you find on the right hand side of the website.