New here... trying to move on

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’m new here and a little unsure of what to write. I’ve been in an insane, roller coaster relationship with a BPD man for 18 months that has literally left me shattered, emotionally, physically and financially. I’ve been pulled/pushed, insulted, raged at, belittled, publicly shamed and humiliated, isolated, he cheated on me, continuous use of dating sites, and the list goes on, but there were also times of intense love and affection, and promises of a future together which I so wanted to believe. Those times became less and less frequent as time went on and we have broken up and got back together so many times I’ve lost count.

It took me a while to work out that I was dealing with BPD with narcissistic traits and I tried to cope, to understand, tried to help him, but now it’s all too much and for the sake of my two kids I have to get out.

I ended it as clearly and kindly as I could, no drama, no conflict and no blame. I wished him well. He wrote back that he wants us to stay in touch on a friends basis and was hoping to count on me for support (he’s going through some stress at the moment). I’m sad for him that he is dealing with stress and desperately want to help him, but I just cannot be his friend. I still love the good part of him. I wrote back expressing my concern and care for him during this time, but that I’m sorry, but I cannot do the friends thing. With sincerity I wished him well and I meant it.

Today, he’s sent me two emails asking me to please let him know if I‘m seeing anyone. “Please, let me know if you’re seeing someone. If you have closure I would appreciate the same. All the best”.

Can someone please tell me what this means? Of course I’m not seeing anyone else! I loved him. How would this give him closure?

My family and friends, who are saddened and shocked at my decline, are trying to help me and suggest I stop all contact before he finishes me off. My instincts tell me to do the same, but I’m in emotional pain. He has hurt me dreadfully, but I still feel for him and this last email sounds so sad and I don’t understand it.

Can someone please help me to understand. Thank you.

[Larmoyant]

I’m new here and a little unsure of what to write. I’ve been in an insane, roller coaster relationship with a BPD man for 18 months that has literally left me shattered, emotionally, physically and financially. I’ve been pulled/pushed, insulted, raged at, belittled, publicly shamed and humiliated, isolated, he cheated on me, continuous use of dating sites, and the list goes on, but there were also times of intense love and affection, and promises of a future together which I so wanted to believe. Those times became less and less frequent as time went on and we have broken up and got back together so many times I’ve lost count.

It took me a while to work out that I was dealing with BPD with narcissistic traits and I tried to cope, to understand, tried to help him, but now it’s all too much and for the sake of my two kids I have to get out.

I ended it as clearly and kindly as I could, no drama, no conflict and no blame. I wished him well. He wrote back that he wants us to stay in touch on a friends basis and was hoping to count on me for support (he’s going through some stress at the moment). I’m sad for him that he is dealing with stress and desperately want to help him, but I just cannot be his friend. I still love the good part of him. I wrote back expressing my concern and care for him during this time, but that I’m sorry, but I cannot do the friends thing. With sincerity I wished him well and I meant it.

Today, he’s sent me two emails asking me to please let him know if I‘m seeing anyone. “Please, let me know if you’re seeing someone. If you have closure I would appreciate the same. All the best”.

Can someone please tell me what this means? Of course I’m not seeing anyone else! I loved him. How would this give him closure?

My family and friends, who are saddened and shocked at my decline, are trying to help me and suggest I stop all contact before he finishes me off. My instincts tell me to do the same, but I’m in emotional pain. He has hurt me dreadfully, but I still feel for him and this last email sounds so sad and I don’t understand it.

Can someone please help me to understand. Thank you.

[once removed]

hey larmoyant, and im sorry you went through this 

"but there were also times... .which I so wanted to believe"

i understand youre new here, and welcome to the family. one refrain youre going to read a lot is "actions > words".

"It took me a while to work out that I was dealing with BPD with narcissistic traits and I tried to cope, to understand, tried to help him, but now it’s all too much and for the sake of my two kids I have to get out."

a value (your kids) and a boundary. good for you. i understand the confusion, but if you apply the dichotomy of actions vs words to your values and boundaries, it will help give you resolve in the midst of confusion.

"I ended it as clearly and kindly as I could,"

"If you have closure I would appreciate the same."

"Can someone please tell me what this means? Of course I’m not seeing anyone else! I loved him. How would this give him closure?"

from my vantage point thats closure. if closure were what he were seeking he wouldnt press you on whether youre seeing someone else. you may or may not know by now that BPD revolves around the fear of abandonment (and engulfment). leaving him does trigger insecurities. that might include the notion that youre seeing someone else. i know its not this simple, but the fact of the matter is that if you are leaving this relationship, you are not responsible for his insecurities, however on base or not on base they might be. in other words its not up to you to convince him "nah i havent been seeing anyone else", and if you were to try, you probably would not get very far anyway. ive been left before. it wasnt my exes responsibility to make me feel better, it was mine.

"My family and friends, who are saddened and shocked at my decline, are trying to help me and suggest I stop all contact before he finishes me off."

you do mention your instincts, but how do you really feel about this? friends and family want the best for us, but they dont always understand what we are going through and experiencing, so some of their efforts can even feel invalidating.

seeing as this is the leaving board, and youve committed to a decision, i dont hesitate to suggest i agree with them about stopping contact. and i also wont hesitate to suggest that attitude, and that advice, go completely against my nature. it can feel cruel. like we are leaving them without any reason. im gonna go out on a limb and assume youve done a fair amount of trying to explain yourself and give reason to this person, and its never sunk in, and its not about to. now youve followed through and youre doubting yourself, at least partly because this person is appealing to those instincts. that, of course, does not mean hes more receptive to your explanations. possibly even the opposite.

but to be more specific in terms of advice, what if you tell yourself that for now, you just want to clear your head, and get some space? tell yourself you might reply to him at some point and give further explanation if you so choose. thats all in your control. if this person truly wants or needs closure, some weeks in between arent going to make a significant difference and will be good for you.

[Larmoyant]

Once removed, thank you so much for your response. I've since received three more emails where he's pleading with me to tell him if I'm with someone else. He also says that he's now realised that he loves me, that he's always loved me, but we do not work. He goes on to remind me of a nice trip we once had (nice, in that he only raged at me four or five times and controlled himself a bit more). I'm torn apart here because I must get away from him, but at the same time I don't want to hurt him. He's tossed me around like a rag doll for months and months and I just can't take it anymore. It's got so bad that my health is suffering and I just feel defeated. Is it ok for me to ignore this? Am I cruel? I kept going back time and time again only to be crushed and each time it got worse and worse. This is so hard because I still have feelings for him. It's taken me a long, long time to work it all out, but if I reply I may as well be jumping right back on the merry go round. He's also under a lot of stress right now, but at some point I've got to start thinking of me and my kids. I'm sorry if I sound dramatic, but my life has truly gone to pieces.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Larmo-

I'm sorry you're going through that, it's especially painful to read because I know exactly what it feels like, and it sucks.  You found this site for a reason, and your description of what's going on and his behavior indicate good awareness on your part and traits of the disorder on his, so we can help you there.

Think attachments with borderlines, they're everything, and the fear of losing them and being abandoned is a continual focus.  So to him, if you are now with someone else, that means you have abandoned him fully, or at least further, so he's prying to find out, and it's his worst fear.  It has nothing to do with rational thought or logic, it's pure primitive emotion.  Anyway, much more where that came from, and you've been in a situation full of drama and chaos, so it's most important to take care of yourself and your kids right now, and clarity will come as the fog clears.

My family and friends, who are saddened and shocked at my decline, are trying to help me and suggest I stop all contact before he finishes me off. My instincts tell me to do the same

So there you go, family, friends and your instincts all conspiring to save you, you should probably listen.  It's helpful right now to get extra, extra selfish, because we typically have a conflict between our heads and our hearts in these relationships, our head knows what the right thing to do is but our heart protests, so getting extra selfish will help your head win for now.  Take care of you!

[Maggiemc73]

You are telling my story. We had a wonderful relationship for a long time he was able to hide the anger and rage fits.  I find that I have to keep looking at the traits of BPD and know this is what im dealing with and although he has a loving heart in there somewhere I cannot fix him. I had to leave the home for myself and my son. I m hurting but this message board has helped me so much . One day at a time!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Larmoyant, Your story, sad to say, follows the familiar pattern of a BPD r/s.  You are not alone, believe me!  We have all been through it.  I admire your courage to end the r/s.  You did the right thing.  Concerning the latest emails, I view them as forms of manipulation and F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) that he is using to get a reaction out of you.  Don't fall for it.  You don't owe him any promises about notifying him of updates on your social status.  Of course you're too shattered right now to consider another r/s, yet he doesn't get it and is trying to draw you back into the craziness.  My suggestion: don't engage.  If you feel the need to respond, keep it bland and very general.

LuckyJim

[llor]

I ended it as clearly and kindly as I could, no drama, no conflict and no blame. I wished him well. He wrote back that he wants us to stay in touch on a friends basis and was hoping to count on me for support (he’s going through some stress at the moment). I’m sad for him that he is dealing with stress and desperately want to help him, but I just cannot be his friend. I still love the good part of him. I wrote back expressing my concern and care for him during this time, but that I’m sorry, but I cannot do the friends thing.

I was in a relationship with my ex wife wBPD for 7 years (married for 3.5). Every experience with a BPD is different, but it seems that my ex and your guy had a few things in common and you and I we have a few things in common too.

You seem like a very, giving empathic person which makes you vulnerable to people with BPD, as for them, any relationship is self-serving. See how he is asking for your support but has complete disreguard for how you feel emotionally about the break up. In his e-mail he is not seeking closure, he is alone and needs to have someone around to support him. He is probbing to see if you are still emotionally available for him. See how he does not even consider how devastated you are again by the break up and only worries that he has been replaced already, because that is something he would do: replace you quickly with something else as soon as possible.  I am going to be harsh here, but darling he does'nt love you anymore, he just hates to be alone.

Since my Break-up a year ago , I went through those kind of exchanges with my ex-wife 3-4 times; whenever she is alone I get bombarded with tons of loving messages (who often become vindictive when I dont respond) then soon as she is with someone else to support her, she off the radar and then again again it goes on. The thing I noticed however since I instaured NC with her, is that her "come-backs"  are getting weaker eveytime... .

So here is my advice: Cut-off bridges with him completely. Go NC. Let Yourself heal. And establish your boundaries like you did. Its not about hating them, Its about loving yourself. I will never hate my ex for who she is. I just decided that I deserve better.

[healingheart13]

Hey there!  After reading your post I feel we live parallel lives... .I just posted for the first time on here today... .be so thankful that you got out now.  I was in my relationship with my undiagnosed BPD exbf for 4.5 years.  I'm drained, worn down to a nub, sucked dry.  Do I miss him? yes, especially now that I have had some a few unfortunate things happen in my life recently... .but after giving him 4.5 years, putting him first, enduring the verbal and mental abuse, being there through thick and thin, he turned his back on me during a time I needed him more than ever in my life... .be thankful you didn't invest anymore of your precious time.  I wish I got out in the beginning... .who knows where I'd be right now... .certainly not in the predicament I'm in now, that's for sure.  Chin up!  You sound strong, you got this.   

[Pretty Woman]

Larmoyant,

  I am going to tell you this... .

I have been on the rollercoaster for three years and it does not get easier. You cannot... .I repeat, cannot be friends.

If you don't have children together the best thing for you is to cut it off, NC.

Last week my ex dumped me. She cried and called me the love of her life as she told me we really are more friends and she was interested in a new friend of ours... .she just met.

We were supposed to leave for Mexico next week and now I am flying off on our dream trip... .alone.

She is now sleeping with this new person and triangulating them with another person she left me for last year.

You do not want to be "friended" by your ex and have this new person rubbed in your face. Trust me... .no good.

I also got the infamous, "I don't ever see us getting back together again".

It's all one giant pattern. After all this she calls me last week and says her mom is in the hospital. Ends the call with "I love you".

This week she calls to tell me she is throwing away everything I ever gave her... .because after all, it's just material things.

This is someone who is very ill.  It's illogical and hurtful. The best thing to do is block all contact. I know you don't want to let go but please please do not waste more years of your life on this like I have.

It's cancer and what do we do with cancer? Cut it out.

Cut it out my friend. It will make you feel better in the long run.

[Larmoyant]

Thank you all so much. So far I’m staying strong, but it’s a terrible struggle. I’ve been here so many times before and have ‘always’ given in. He constantly pushes and pulls which leaves my head spinning. I’ve lost count of how many times he’s told me we could never work out only to come right back and profess undying love. It’s been the hardest thing for me to deal with (harder than the rants, rages and insults) because when he‘s nice he is everything I‘ve always wanted. When I started to read about NPD and BPD it all fell into place, and I tried to cope, but it’s all too much and I’m truly a mess.

Rationally I should just run, but like you say Maggiemc73, my head is still fighting my heart. I’m sorry you are hurting too, hugs to you and your son. Fromheeltoheal, it’s so sad to think that they fear abandonment, but seem to do all they can to ensure it happens. I feel so sorry for him, but at the same time he can be unbelievably cruel and I would go so far as to say sadistic. Llor, I have no doubt he would replace me at the drop of a hat if he had someone available. He’s been on dating sites on and off the whole time we’ve been together, keeps in touch with ex girlfriends and doesn’t hesitate to tell me they all still want him. Pretty Woman, my heart goes out to you so much and I know he would not hesitate to rub my face in it when he finds a replacement  and it’s only a matter of time. Please try to enjoy your holiday PW this is a new start for you. Healingheart13, I also should have got out much sooner. Looking back we didn’t even have much of a honeymoon period as the chaos started pretty quickly, but my own insecurities kept me in there and I always, always gave him the benefit of the doubt and now my life is in shambles. Losses all around and all related to this relationship. I feel for you so much. Keep moving in the right direction life will pick up and we have to keep trying. LuckyJim, I’m always amazed that he thinks I could just move on as if he means nothing to me. I have bent over backwards trying to help him feel secure and show him how much he means to me. He’s now sent me two more emails and sounds frustrated or angry saying “Come on! You need to tell me what‘s going on“. He knows what’s going on! The cycle keeps going on and on. It has to stop somewhere. I’m in some sort of numb state and I just can’t do anything. I should probably go nc and not read these emails, but I’m not ready yet. Close, but can’t quite get there. For now I’m just trying to act like I haven’t read them, and as once removed suggests clear my head. I need space to think, but why do I feel so guilty?

[fromheeltoheal]

The cycle keeps going on and on. It has to stop somewhere. I’m in some sort of numb state and I just can’t do anything. I should probably go nc and not read these emails, but I’m not ready yet. Close, but can’t quite get there. For now I’m just trying to act like I haven’t read them, and as once removed suggests clear my head. I need space to think, but why do I feel so guilty?

The cycle keeps going on and on. It has to stop somewhere.

And you will have to be the one to stop it, he won't.  Obvious and you probably know that, but just confirming.

I should probably go nc and not read these emails, but I’m not ready yet. Close, but can’t quite get there.

Because you're still getting something out of it, even if that something is avoidance of guilt.  Or is it something else?

why do I feel so guilty?

Because on some level we know that we're withdrawing the caretaker, the rescuer, the attachment, from a needy person, abandoning someone for which abandonment is the worst thing that could happen.  It's against our nature, and we could say it will do them good, although it probably won't, most just repeat the cycle, but it will definitely do us good.  It's helpful to get very selfish right now, selfish enough to break free and let the fog clear, so you can think straight.  Take care of you!

[Larmoyant]

fromheeltoheal,

"Because you're still getting something out of it, even if that something is avoidance of guilt.  Or is it something else?"

This just made me sob because I think I know what it is. I don't want to let go of the hope. Hope that we can change this. Hope he can get help. I don't want to let him go, but I have to.

I'm in so much pain right now. Is there ever a happy ending? I think I already know there isn't.

[fromheeltoheal]

fromheeltoheal,

"Because you're still getting something out of it, even if that something is avoidance of guilt.  Or is it something else?"

This just made me sob because I think I know what it is. I don't want to let go of the hope. Hope that we can change this. Hope he can get help. I don't want to let him go, but I have to.

I'm in so much pain right now. Is there ever a happy ending? I think I already know there isn't.

There you go, good honesty, and that is the largest challenge.  Going from some hope to no hope at all is a huge leap, a letting go, and it is very painful, but if your head and your heart disagree, and you know your head's right, there is no choice.

There is a very happy ending however.  Once you do let go of that relationship and accept that it's over, if you're like most of us there will be plenty of healing and growth to do, since most of us haven't been enmeshed with mental illness before, and then when we come out the other side of that, slightly older but much wiser versions of ourselves, life will get very, very good, and that's something to look forward to.

[getting_better]

There you go, good honesty, and that is the largest challenge.  Going from some hope to no hope at all is a huge leap, a letting go, and it is very painful, but if your head and your heart disagree, and you know your head's right, there is no choice.

There is a very happy ending however.  Once you do let go of that relationship and accept that it's over, if you're like most of us there will be plenty of healing and growth to do, since most of us haven't been enmeshed with mental illness before, and then when we come out the other side of that, slightly older but much wiser versions of ourselves, life will get very, very good, and that's something to look forward to.

Inspiring words, healtoheal - thanks for sharing your experience, strength, and hope. 

[once removed]

yeah, and that was some really excellent insight on both your parts. just wanted to follow up on your earlier reply:

"It's got so bad that my health is suffering and I just feel defeated. Is it ok for me to ignore this? Am I cruel?"

youre not cruel for ignoring it especially since youve made yourself very clear. if your health is suffering, its time to protect yourself.

you dont sound dramatic. i think youll quickly find youre not alone here. your feelings are valid and others here share similar ones.

"and then when we come out the other side of that, slightly older but much wiser versions of ourselves, life will get very, very good, and that's something to look forward to." 

and something to put your hope into as well. hang in there 

[Lucky Jim]

I need space to think, but why do I feel so guilty?

Hello again, Larmoyant, Another reason you may feel guilty, in addition to what FromHtoH suggested, is because pwBPD tend to foist all the blame for a failed r/s on the Non.  Sad to say, when my BPDxW did that to me, I shouldered the blame, which was crushing after all my kindness and caring.  Took me a long time to see that I was the object of my Ex's guilt trip and that I didn't need to carry all that responsibility myself.  I had a lot of help from my BPDxW in terms of the b/u!  Though she will never see it that way.  Shifting the blame to the Non is a way for the pwBPD to avoid taking any responsibility him/herself.  Perhaps you can relate?

LuckyJim

[Larmoyant]

LuckyJim, I can definitely relate. I’ve been made to feel guilty about just about everything that has gone wrong between us. Unfortunately, whether through guilt, hope or some combination of the two I’ve just jumped right back on the merry go round.

Some background info might help. We split up about three weeks ago, a few days prior to him finding out his father was seriously ill and he left the country to be with him. However, at the time, he didn’t tell me this, but instead sent me confusing emails and texts where I was left to try and guess what was happening. I was in a complete state of confusion. I eventually worked it out by calling his mother who tragically told me that her husband was terminally ill. My ex wasn’t there at the time, but called me later and I immediately offered to support him in any way I could. One minute he wanted it, but the next sent me abusive messages telling me I was a terrible person, unsupportive, and was not there for him. This had me in tears because I am not a terrible person, but a caring, loving person who would always be there if someone needed me. I was left feeling confused, guilty and sad. Then early one morning he reached out again asking for support. He sounded hurt and lost and I felt so sad for him and tried to comfort him. I then went to take a quick shower thinking about what I could do to support him. Fast forward 10 minutes, that’s all it took, when he sent me a text saying he no longer wanted my support, that I’d let him down and he wants nothing to do with me. At that point I just crumbled, my heart started beating way to fast due to the cumulative effect of it all, the anxiety and not knowing if I was coming and going. The whole relationship has been like this, rant/rage, insults, come here/go away, push/pull, it’s anxiety provoking and it’s soul destroying. The fact that my anxiety was starting to affect my health, racing heart, feeling sick worried me so much and I reached my ‘enough’ moment or at least I thought I had. At this point I sent an email expressing my deepest sorrow about his father, but that I could no longer take the push/pull, that I was there if he needed me, but only if he was consistent.

I did contemplate putting a stop to it all (my heart racing so much has started to scare me), but I couldn’t. How can you block someone whose father is so very ill and whose prognosis is terminal? A few days passed, but then he reached out again sending me an email saying he felt sad and alone, but nothing else, I had no idea what was happening. I responded briefly expressing my sympathy and support, but then he went silent again, no response, nothing. A few days later he sent another one along the same lines and once again I replied, no response. He then sent me an email saying he looks for messages from me everyday, but there are none! I had responded to all of his messages. Was I supposed to keep sending them indefinitely with no response from him!

I then received a series of emails saying we would and could never have worked out, etc, etc. I won’t lie my heart sank because I still have deep feelings for him, but by now and with the distance between us my head had started to clear and I realized just how destructive this whole relationship has been. For the first time in months I was a little hopeful that maybe I could pick up the pieces of my life and start again (one outcome of this relationship is that I’ve lost my career) so I acknowledged and accepted his position, expressed my deepest sorrow about his father and wished him well.

That brings me up to date and the increasingly desperate emails where he says he loves me and wants to know if I’m with someone else. I have struggled not to respond to them, but yesterday sent him one of his own emails where he clearly states that we could never work out. His reply back was to tell me that he said this in response to something I did (so basically my fault), but that he truly loves me, that he’s now realized just how much I mean to him and he wants to talk and to please just hear him out.

Whether through guilt or hope or both I have agreed, but have given myself some time to think about all this. I’m not going back to the same, and I don’t want to get swept up in the chaos and confusion again. I’m struggling and tense and the worst fear is that he is just about to drop me on my head again. It’s all pull/push. I’ve been here before. I have learned a lot about BPD and NPD and he has many, many of the traits, but I don't know enough. How do I protect myself?

[Chrisbazsky77]

Dear Lamoyant,

I'm so sorry for what you're feeling and had to endure.

Since I found this site, I have jumped from "Undecided" to "Staying" and now... .finally... .":)etaching". Why these jumps in just two months?

I was just like you... .I felt my husband of 4 years all the love he never had growing up. He went through multiple diagnoses but deep down, I always knew he was Borderline.

I sent him away and everyone that loved me were so relieved but I battled like how you are battling now... .HEAD VS HEART... .asking myself "how could you throw him away?" Then I gave in... .he asked if he could please come back home. I set boundaries about his aggression, his treatment and his job... .if he wasn't going to do all of this, then I wouldn't have him back.

For the next few weeks, it seemed that all was going to be alright. He seemed so NORMAL, said all the right stuff, was so loving and helped me around the house.

We were making plans for his upcoming birthday etc... .life seemed so good, as he was going to therapy and showing progress.

Then the rude awakening... .the very next day after we cuddle on couch watching a movie... .he goes ballistic, (I still don't know the reason), insults me,attacks me, threatens to kill me and trashes a few things around the home.

I watched him in slow motion. I knew right at that moment that I needed him out FOR GOOD.

How can we build homes/lives with people who are this unstable?

How can it EVER be healthy for US in the long run?

Perhaps your reason to let go isn't as graphic or makes any sense right now... .but I can assure that now that he's not in the home, I've already noticed how much better I FEEL inside... .not scared, not anxious, heart rate normal, I can smile, I can chat with my friends and family without hiding... .the list goes on.

Imagine this kind of freedom for yourself, embrace it and learn from this.

I'm far from over my battles with him/his family etc... .legal stuff etc... .however somehow I KNOW I will survive this and come out stronger!

When I was "undecided" I hadn't felt this way at all, quite the opposite really.

When I wanted things to work, his evil actions and words tainted the way I related to him... .I wasn't truly happy, like I thought I would be. His allegiance to his toxic family also made me question my future with him. He was still reaching out to his messed up mother for ANY attention, at the cost of our future, if it meant that.

I wish this feeling of having overcome, comes through for you... .that when you look back, past the FOG... .you see yourself deserving far better.

Hugs and prayers, we will all help each other along here!

[Lucky Jim]

It’s all pull/push. I’ve been here before. I have learned a lot about BPD and NPD and he has many, many of the traits, but I don't know enough. How do I protect myself?

Hey Larmo, Best way to protect yourself is through Boundaries.  We Nons (including me) tend to have poor boundaries, which permits a pwBPD to walk all over us.  For the same reason, we tend to get lost in the F-O-G and allow ourselves to get manipulated by a pwBPD.  Here's a good example:

he’s now realized just how much I mean to him and he wants to talk and to please just hear him out. . . . Whether through guilt or hope or both I have agreed, but have given myself some time to think about all this.

I'm not judging you, just pointing out that his tactics are working insofar as he extracted an agreement from you.  So, be careful, and make sure you use Boundaries before attending any proposed meeting.  Or you could cancel the conference.  You could, couldn't you?

LuckyJim

[Larmoyant]

Hi Chrisbazsky77, thank you so much. I can relate to all of what you wrote. Cuddling on the couch one minute, everything wonderful, to sudden chaos, ranting, raging, accusing, reducing me to a quivering wreck. I keep having to remind myself of all the terrible times, his tendency to leave me stranded, accusations of flirting and cheating, false promises, threats, it’s all so damaging.

I spoke with him on the phone last night (he’s currently in a different country) and he wants to get back together, as if nothing has happened. I was so aware of my own insecurities that caused me to be careful not to say anything that might set him off. At the same time I couldn’t let go of the reality and the terrible memories. It truly is a battle between my head and heart.  He attempted to change history a couple of times, denying stuff, saying things he thought I wanted to hear (e.g. he’d ‘almost’ bought me an engagement ring and was going to ask me to marry him). I was able to see through it all, but this is so heartbreaking because all I want is a consistent, stable, caring, loving relationship and he can’t give me that. So why on earth am I holding on! I’m so upset and angry with myself for wanting him so much. I’m clinging to the little bit of hope I have that we can work it out. Even thinking that I could learn more about BPD and make it work. On the other hand I’ve suffered so much loss that I’m scared of what damage he could inflict. He truly is Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde.

Chrisbazsky77, thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. I’m sorry you had to endure four years of this. You are truly inspiring and I feel encouraged that I can work this out and move towards peace and calmness and not back into the chaos, confusion and heartbreak. Sending you lots of best wishes and much support to  help you through.

LuckyJim, I don’t feel judged at all and thank you for this because it helps. I’ve been reading about boundaries and have decided that I don’t have many and although I try to protect myself he just bulldozes his way through. Although part of me wants to just walk away I gave in and listened to what he had to say. Luckily for me he’s in another country right now, far, far away so I have space to try to work this out. Right this moment I don’t know which way to turn. I wish I’d never met him.