Mom a Victim Again

[Turkish]

I'm dealing with the fallout of calling the cops on my exBIL17 for molesting D3, with S5 as a witness. I've rarely felt more alone. At least uBPDx is doing the right thing, even if her family has painted her black (for "siding" with me), and the kids by proxy.

I called my Hermit mom tonight to update her. After a while, she said she wasn't feeling well, and had to le down. I asked why. Basically:

Some guy showed up at her door of her shack on 5 acres in the woods. He said he heard from the church that she needed help. She ended up driving him off the property and he was kicking her in the chest. Now my mom has hung out with plenty of scumbags/projects. I had to rescue her from a family of "gypsies" ten years ago who had taken over her life and she was in real danger. Factor in my mom's BPD triggers and communication breakdowns which has caused conflict with even her closest friends over the years.

She got a TRO, but the guy is a floater between counties, has a record. I asked her if she filed a police report, and she said no, having painted the "keystone cops" in the rural county as being useless. I encouraged her to go file one tomorrow, but she "doesn't want to cause more trouble." Ditto for going down to the hospital to get checked out.

I'm 2.5 hrs away by car. I work full time, and am trying to not lose my job due to taking time off for the issues with the kids, which has already cost me thousands of dollars, not to mention the soft costs (of people hating me, and me being a target). She was content to not call me, and additionally content to go to sleep tonight to heal. I'll call her tomorrow night. I do have resources to send to check on her, but she's so stubborn. I have to take off to watch my kids Friday, but I suppose a weekend trip is in order... .



She doesn't have a habit of making this stuff up, her contribution to the conflict aside. She's 73. A harmless old lady. I believe she was assaulted, and she's minimizing it.

[Kwamina]

Hi Turkish,

That's horrible what happened to your daughter. How is she doing now? And how is your son doing after witnessing this?

I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you as a father knowing this happened to your child. Good to hear though that her mother has been doing the right thing. Has your exBIL17 ever done anything like this before or showed other signs of a troubled character?

The drama with your mother only adds to the stress you are already feeling. I know it's difficult to tell since you live so far away from her, but do you believe your mother is safe now?

[Turkish]

Kids have been doing ok. However, last night D3 told her mom (my uBPDx who has risen to the occasion throughout this), "Uncle touched my butt." In adult terms, "Uncle touched my genitals." Grandma (Ex's mom) watched the kids at Ex's apt today. My Ex told her what D3 said, and her mom responded, "she's lying! She hasn't seen [my son] in two weeks!"

Children lie, but I have it on good authority from a wise, experienced and trained person that they don't lie about abuse. A 3 and a 5 year old? Accusing someone they love?

I've let out bits and pieces of the story here and there, not knowing on which board the full story would be applicaable, if at all. Due to the family dynamics I've seen here, and the adult survivors of sexual abuse who sometimes post here, this is probably the place. I'll start a new thread if I do. It is indeed a family issue, it's even more clear now that I've had two weeks to process it and stop feeling guilty for being an "mfing motherfr" as my Ex's eldest brother told her for doing what I did to the family (funny, and here I thought S5 and D3 were family).

I realize I started a mixed thread... .now to call mom to see if she's done anything more than lie in bed surrounded by her piles of hoarded stuff, her chihuhuas perched upon her like annoying mountain goats.

[bethanny]

Turkish, wow. 

My heart goes out to you and the kids re the molestation of your so very young daughter and the trauma for both daughter and son and you as loving caretaker and father.  Thank God it is being acknowledged and validated by you for their sakes. That goes so far in recovery. Not denial and coverup.  Honesty and concern. 

Your mother's crises sound gobsmacking. You sound pragmatic and rational about what is going on.  Sounds like the serenity prayer balancing act of accepting what can't change, working on changing what you can. I used to say that prayer all the time. I think I might pull it back into my life.

Good luck with it all. Please keep us updated!

Best, Bethanny

[Turkish]

I talked to my mom two nights later (couldn't get ahold of her the previous night). She sounded much better. It turns out that the guy spent two weeks on her property before the meltdown. Nothing excuses whatever he did. However, this is typical for my mom. Even when I was a little kid, she'd "rescue" people in need (waifs), and move them in. At some point, there would be a major communication breakdown and everyone would split each other. People would suddenly move out, very pissed off.

After I left 25 years ago, the pattern continued. About 10 years ago, I had to gather friends and kick out a family she had moved in. She loved them at first, the little kids calling her grandma. It became a dangerous situation for her, and they ended up taking over. 6 against 1. The good thing is that they helped her clean up her hoarded mess, which got worse after they left. A year later, you couldn't tell anything was different.

Kids are ok. My exMIL thinks me "off" because she doesn't understand how calm I am around her daughter and the OM/affair partner/now husband. She said, "he's doing what's best for the kids. He's not acting like a [man from our culture] would."

She's taking the kids to an amusement park tomorrow, a 6 hours' drive. She invited me to go, too. Mm mm, thanks, but no thanks. 

[bethanny]

I am glad she is okay and you are pragmatic and self-protective.