I am ashamed about my negative feelings towards my ex

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I am 7 months out and mutual NC. My ex uBPDexgf was extremely phisically and emotionally abusive.

I have done a lot of work on myself and I have been in therapy for 4 months.  I have gotten to the root of why I got drawn into my ex, why I stayed and put up with the abuse.  I am doing the work to make sure I don't repeat these behaviors in the future.  I think those are all positive things.

I hace accepted that my ex has some form of mental illness and that an actual diagnosis does not matter to me, because it's just a basket of maladaptive traits that are harmful and toxic.  I have also accepted that nothing positive will happenen by being in contact with her.  I think those are positive things too.

I think I still have a great deal of anger and resentment towards her, and I think it causes me to enter into a weird cycle where my anger towards leads to greater empathy for her which leads to more anger and resentment.  I recently saw her walking the new dog that she got recently and I had a disturbing thought.  I really don't want her to be happy and I don't want good things to happen to her.  I want her to meet a guy who is going to abuse her as bad or worse than she abused me.  I want her to make good on her constant threats of self harm and end it. I know these are not positive or good thoughts, and I am disappointed at myself for having them. I know that she is ill, but it doesn't excuse what she did to me and the harm she caused.  I am sure that there are many on this board who have similiar thoughts from time to time.  I am hopefully that putting down here maybe helpful towards moving past them. 

[lawman79]

So I am 7 months out and mutual NC. My ex uBPDexgf was extremely phisically and emotionally abusive.

I have done a lot of work on myself and I have been in therapy for 4 months.  I have gotten to the root of why I got drawn into my ex, why I stayed and put up with the abuse.  I am doing the work to make sure I don't repeat these behaviors in the future.  I think those are all positive things.

I hace accepted that my ex has some form of mental illness and that an actual diagnosis does not matter to me, because it's just a basket of maladaptive traits that are harmful and toxic.  I have also accepted that nothing positive will happenen by being in contact with her.  I think those are positive things too.

I think I still have a great deal of anger and resentment towards her, and I think it causes me to enter into a weird cycle where my anger towards leads to greater empathy for her which leads to more anger and resentment.  I recently saw her walking the new dog that she got recently and I had a disturbing thought.  I really don't want her to be happy and I don't want good things to happen to her.  I want her to meet a guy who is going to abuse her as bad or worse than she abused me.  I want her to make good on her constant threats of self harm and end it. I know these are not positive or good thoughts, and I am disappointed at myself for having them. I know that she is ill, but it doesn't excuse what she did to me and the harm she caused.  I am sure that there are many on this board who have similiar thoughts from time to time.  I am hopefully that putting down here maybe helpful towards moving past them. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey lawman79, In my view, you have no reason to be ashamed of your feelings, which I regard as normal in the aftermath of an abusive r/s with a pwBPD.  You are doing the right thing by acknowledging your angry feelings, which is an important step.  The next step is to process those feelings in some way.  How does one process feelings?  Everyone is different, of course, but here are some examples: write about your feelings in a journal; talk to a close friend or family member about your feelings; set up an appointment with a T; practice mindfulness meditation.

Underneath anger is usually hurt.  Perhaps it's worth exploring whether your anger stems from feeling hurt.

LuckyJim

[Pretty Woman]

Lawman,

   This is natural. You were in an abusive relationship. You gave of yourself wholeheartedly to someone who did not reciprocate... .or did, but in a demeaning, unhealthy abusive way.

I struggle with this too. We are compassionate, empathetic people.  We know they are sick. Problem is this... .we care more for them than we do ourselves. It's our caregiver nature. Here this person treated us like shyt and we feel bad for their "illness".

BPD's can get help. There IS treatment.  Mine thinks she is fine. She is high functioning. I am the one who needs help. I am the one who needs counceling.

And she's right... .I do... .but because I was ATTRACTED to this mess of a human being.

Anger is healthy... .it is working through it. Wait until you get to indifference. I am not there yet but I am looking forward to that stage!

[lawman79]

I am in therapy for the last 4 months and it has helped me unravel a lot. I just thought by 7 months out, I would be well into indifference. I know these types of relationships are different and the healing process is slower.  I am sue the anger and resentment is just hurt, I feel too. 

How long did it take most folks to get to indifferent? I know everyone is different.

I think seeing her with the dog (same kind as mine by the way) just was a trigger and set me back a little bit.   

[Mutt]

Hi lawman79,

I can understand seeing her with a similar yellow lab as yours and she had threatened to kill your dog because she was jealous of the lice and attention you gave to your dog would be a trigger.

Don't be hard on yourself. You have good suggestions with processing feelings and your anger and I would like to say that you can share those feelings here.

LuckyJim mentioned mindfulness and a way to cope with the emotional reaction / emotional trigger when you see your ex to pay attention to your thoughts and feelings with mindfulness instead of bottling them in and the more that you do this when you see your ex walking the dog it will relieve your emotional reactions / triggers. I don't bottle my feelings in when I get emotional triggers with the kids and switch on / switch off at my exes house. I observe my feelings and use mindfulness to cope with the triggers, process the emotions and eventually she won't trigger an emotional reaction.  I hope that helps.


----Mutt

[disorderedsociety]

My ex uBPDexgf was extremely phisically and emotionally abusive.

Its good to recognize what is and isn't abusive. Mine was a more helpless, acting-in individual with BPD so it was hard to pin down what was and wasn't emotionally and mentally abusive, especially when a lot of the same behavior was glossed over in my childhood.

Thankfully, it seems your ex made it more clear how ill she is.

I have done a lot of work on myself and I have been in therapy for 4 months.  I have gotten to the root of why I got drawn into my ex, why I stayed and put up with the abuse.  I am doing the work to make sure I don't repeat these behaviors in the future.  I think those are all positive things.

They are, but give your heart time to catch up with your head. The time will come when you automatically apply your new-found knowledge; its stored in your mental vault and will be applied when needed so overthinking it will lead you to suspect average-healthy women of being borderlines.

I hace accepted that my ex has some form of mental illness and that an actual diagnosis does not matter to me, because it's just a basket of maladaptive traits that are harmful and toxic.  I have also accepted that nothing positive will happenen by being in contact with her.  I think those are positive things too.

I think I still have a great deal of anger and resentment towards her, and I think it causes me to enter into a weird cycle where my anger towards leads to greater empathy for her which leads to more anger and resentment.  I recently saw her walking the new dog that she got recently and I had a disturbing thought.  I really don't want her to be happy and I don't want good things to happen to her.  I want her to meet a guy who is going to abuse her as bad or worse than she abused me.  I want her to make good on her constant threats of self harm and end it. I know these are not positive or good thoughts, and I am disappointed at myself for having them. I know that she is ill, but it doesn't excuse what she did to me and the harm she caused.

The anger stage is normal and is a sign you're progressing through the stages of recovery from this kind of "proxy disorder" if you will. I personally went through a stage of wanting bad things to happen to my ex and the replacement but you eventually realize that these people are never happy which is why they seek external validation. Its pretty useless to think about now, but it'll make more sense later. "Karma" is instant in the sense that how they react creates their life situation. This is due to repeat until they finally let go of their victim identity and get into therapy, which may or may not happen sooner or later.

This is the stage where you may start looking for a new woman to take your mind off the problems you're facing, but please avoid this trap. Because it is a trap.

[Circle]

I struggle with this too. We are compassionate, empathetic people.  We know they are sick. Problem is this... .we care more for them than we do ourselves. It's our caregiver nature.

Good point.

[once removed]

I am in therapy for the last 4 months and it has helped me unravel a lot. I just thought by 7 months out, I would be well into indifference. I know these types of relationships are different and the healing process is slower.  I am sue the anger and resentment is just hurt, I feel too. 

How long did it take most folks to get to indifferent? I know everyone is different.

I think seeing her with the dog (same kind as mine by the way) just was a trigger and set me back a little bit.   

i dont think any of us heal at the speed we wish and expect. youre doing great work in therapy. give it time, but not with a deadline. it can be a way of invalidating your own feelings. give yourself credit for how far youve come.