How do I get her to accept help

[Corpal74]

It has been a long and intense haul for the whole family. I was seriously abused growing up and had no family support because she sabotages all her relationships. I have recently started therapy to figure out weather to walk away. I deeply love my mom. As a teenager victom to her behaviour i only felt sorry for her. I have forgave her for all that is past and struggle to continue a relationship with her. At times I feel like we are doing good but whenever iam vulnerable she outright attacks me. Her anger isnt ever resolved in the moment as she can harass for months and lies to people about me.(one time I didn't even know she was home from work as a teenager and I was on the computer. I realize she is home add the chair gets pulled from underneath me and she hits me repeatedly with it, i never usually hit back but this time I got up and stared at her and I punched her in the face... .instantly regretting hitting her. Later I get phone calls saying how could you hit your mom for no reason) oh ya she is the most minupulatuve person I know. I tried phoning police, social services and family she always makes me look like the bad guy. The physical abuse stopped after I moved out and put my foot down.

The part that always gets to me is when she lies about me to my face when nobody else is listening. Also she always brings up the past to say i deserved the abuse when i litterally did nothing. I obviously know that nobody deserves it but she twists it so badly.

My biggest issue now is that my kids love her so bad and she loves them. They cry when we have to leave because nan is screaming and swearing. They cry for her. I have kids as of the end of next month aged 4, 6, and 8. I don't want to give up on mom but I always listen to her support her and yet she thrives off making herself the victom. Even when i was in the hospital for weeks almost dead from cancer. I was even told ant stress coukd cause me to bleed and not stop. She starts screaming at me right after that and what happens... .i do start bleeding. This and many other horrible things happened. For example she was angry that family was visiting me. Yet she was equally angry at people who didnt come. Nobody can ever win but my families yearly or biyearly visits always reminds them how  draining she is. Yet she calls evert day.


I am trying to protect my kids. Ahe doesnt treat them as bad yet she does rreat other peop,e like this in front of them. However she is bad to them she tells them she will never say no to them, will stop me from disciplining them, and when they start behaving badly she gets mad and calls them bad and says how it is my fualt.

On the other hand my mom can be one of the most understanding good hearted person i know sometimes. I wonder if she even knows she is lying. Our is it a lie when she is nice.

Now my younger sister is only 13 and she started going down hill extremely quickly. Drugs, slitting wrists, running away every chance she gets from anywhere she is staying, and she just drank a bottle of antibiotics. This behaviour is extremely new. She has been going between her dads and my moms in different towns as my mom dramatically ripped her out of his care, she had her it went downhill so bad, she has been at her dads a week and already got expelled. Like two months ago she was this innocent girl. Her dad feels like she is behaving like mom as she is manipulating people telling them what they want to hear. I don't know if it could be similar to what my mom has or developed from living with my mom. As far as I know it isn't as bad as when i lived there... but my mom manipulates things all the time so hiw coukd i really know. I think I've seen improvement over the years, but whenever i am vulnerable she is scary.

I don't want to make it seem like I don't care about my sister. I am only describing the situation but her dad is trying to do everything he can and find all the resources to help her and i am supporting in every way i can. But I am trying to focus on my mom right now as her getting help will help everybody. My sister really needs her.

Is this an extreme case of BPD... .if it is. I have read so much about this and all the questioners and the information more than strongly descripbes her.

Anyway my biggest thing at this point is how to tell her she needs help. I want her to get help. I even asked if she could go to therapy so we could learn how to communicate with eachother. Notice my gentle wording that takes the attention off her. If I told her i was concerned she has a problem it would be more than me being evil. I would be hearing from distant relatives in how horrible and resentful of a daughter I am and the famous one she says about me is i am a horrible daughter who did it out of spite. I had always thought this might be more trouble than it is worth. Since mom sees herself as a victim i cant imagine her admitting she has a problem. It's there anything that works. Any advice?

She has so much family  who love her very much and only stay away because she pushes them away.

[bethanny]

Corp, thanks for your honesty and your courage.

I remember hearing in the 12 step rooms "we confuse love and pity and tend to 'love' people we can pity and rescue."

Looking back I still feel like my uBPD mother had multiple personalities.  One was a mother who seemed decent and could be generous to me though around this one I rarely was able to exhale because it would interfere with my hypervigilance to walk the tightrope so she wouldn't flip into the other two personalities.  Especially the WITCH who vilified my self-esteem.  There was also the hysterical waif child who was inconsolable and hysterical who demanded that I parent her or play surrogate spouse and second guess her every need or the WITCH would follow up with me.

You know that expression, you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink?  You know the serenity prayer, acceptance to not being ABLE to bring about change ... .and the wisdom of surrendering to this reality.

We were raised to so greatly OVER-IDENTIFY with these emotionally arrested parents that we ignore our own needs and instincts and wants. We are harming ourselves by sacrificing ourselves trying to fix our parents first, so then they can come around to helping us? More heartbreak. More Lucy and football playing.

Character assassination of one's child is EVIL.  Wanting to tit-suck from and control someone at the same time is EVIL. The uBPD is EVIL.  Our parents are its victims and we are its and theirs.  Our parents are or were DIS-EASED.  Their disorder is so profound that "tough love" doesn't work, especially when they are so pathologically symbiotic with their children and see them as non-human, non-unique, and the hostages of their authoritarian status as parents.  They are not spiritual parents, only biological ones because of their pathological narcissism especially as far as we are concerned.

We learned early to nurture the wailing inner children inside our parents.  To recognize their fear and hurt and neediness.  Meanwhile our own inner children are abandoned within us, banging on the pipes inside us, or sometimes, if they dare to come out and embrace life our parent's inner child socks our inner child smack in the face.  Our healthy duty is to comfort and protect OUR inner child over our parent's.  

Our parents exploited the pity we felt, much of it mixed with terror that we denied. They deserve to be helped, but we can't often seriously help them.  They are not capable of respecting us and seeing us as on a human dignity level with them.

A useful quote, "recovery is learning to let go of what you never had."  They couldn't love us.  Not that they wouldn't. They are or were so disordered they can't or couldn't.  That is tragic and needs to be accepted and mourned.  Most people go through life and can't process this and stay in the FOG, fear, obligation and guilt crippled mode.

best, bethanny

[Corpal74]

Thank you very much for your reply. The thing is I feel very loved by her. That is why I stick around. On one hand she is very good and understanding. If i choose my words wisely I can have a conversation about things with her. I never know when she will blow up as most times they are self triggers. She will talk about something that makes her mad, work herself into rage, next thing you know screaming at me. Sometimes I find if i ignore it, nod once in awhile she will come out of it if my kids aren't there. But I keep a safe distance we visit rarely even though she is a2 min walk away. However she phones me almost every morning 7 am. My alarm may go off at 7, doesn't mean I want to have a conversation.

Thank you so much for your reply. I am literally just becoming informed about BPD. I have no doubt she has it. Before when she would talk crazy it would be so psychotic. I couldn't even take a pen and write things so malicious and crue if I had all the time in the world. I have been back and fowarth wondering is she that bad of a person, is her good side fake, since everything you say or do will be used against you, everything she does for you, weather you asked for it or not will be used to emotionally blackmail you. It gets to the point, even if indeed help i i want to refuse her help, however she would also take that as a personal attack. Indo have boundaries with her. I say i will not have this conversation anymore and hand up if i have to. I've learned to not take things personal, it just hurts when i am vulnerable. I am a single mom with health and money issues there are plenty of times i am at her mercy. My biggest fear for her is she will end up with nobody. I want her to get help for hwr needs, as i knew at a young age she wouldn't be for me what i need. I didnt think i needed therapy asni turned out pretty good. I went to figure out weather to cut my losses with her, however i am noticing talking to someone can benefit me too!

I really appreaciate your reply and i am glad i found this site.

[bethanny]

Good luck. Stay aware and keep on fighting your way through the FOG, fear, obligation and guilt.

I recommend reading Understanding the Borderline Mother.

The 3 As, Awareness, Acceptance, Action.

We were the ones who deserved unconditional love from them as children.  They didn't and don't give it to themselves so they couldn't and can't give it to us.  They didn't get it either.  It was and is not our job to provide it to them at the cost of our own psychological welfare. We must break that cycle and assert "tough love" on them and give unconditional love to ourselves. 

Our parents have a Higher Power. We are not their Higher Power.  We have our own and can focus on love from a Divine unconditionally loving HP parent for existential security as opposed to a biological codependent parent who won't let us separate from them and prosper.

[Corpal74]

Thank you for sharing that. I will have to look into it!