I don't get it. I was doing well. Now I am in a downward spiral

[NonBPDEx]

I broke it off with her in March. We have been NC for about 3 weeks now. She went straight to my replacement.

I am loosing it. I have not been able to get out of bed for two days. Awake at night. Took the blanket and curled up on the floor for hours.

I week ago I was not this bad. It just seems to be getting worse. I am racked by guilt that I did not do the right thing, that maybe I could have done more.

She is gone now. Happy with my replacement that she had as backup.

Friends counseled me that she was not good for me. Now she is gone, and the friends are gone too.

I lost everything. I have to feed my kids and there is no food in the house.

I can't eat, exercise, meditate, write, work, sleep.

I have never felt this low in my life.

[ThanksForPlaying]

Sorry to hear - it will get better!

Start with the basics now before you worry about BPD. You need food. Try to get to the store and get enough food for three days. Don't overwhelm yourself. You need some calories in your body.

Why are the friends who counseled you gone?

[NonBPDEx]

The friends don't want to hear about the drama. Too much for them. I should "just get over it".

My friends always bothered her. Though they said she was just trying to isolate me.

I read my journal. I year ago today I was writing that I feel 'blessed'. Now I feel cursed.

[Mutt]

Hey NonBPDEx,

I would like to echo ThanksforPlaying with starting with the basics.

I'm sorry to hear about your friends. They may mean well and I think "get over it" is an invalidating statement, it's not as simple as that when we're suffering from loss and grief?

This was your relationship and someone that you cared about. These things take time.

What about your family? Do you have family that's supportive?

[NonBPDEx]

No, no family, just an 86 year old mother in a senior's home, and my two boys who are out most of the time now.

I could probably stay in bed indefinitely without anyone knowing. Until the kids come home and see me here.

I thought I had a network. I think I should have listened to her. She was sick, but perhaps right about the friends.

She had a hard time dealing with me being happy if she was not around. I was only suppose to be happy when she was around, and suffer when she was not there, just as she would suffer when I was not there. She would probably love me in the state I am in now.

[zipline]

The friends don't want to hear about the drama. Too much for them. I should "just get over it".

My friends always bothered her. Though they said she was just trying to isolate me.

I read my journal. I year ago today I was writing that I feel 'blessed'. Now I feel cursed.

I am very sorry that you're feeling so bad. I understand. I'm going back and forth pretty hard these days and today is rough for me, so far. You're not alone.

I can relate to what you're saying. My relationship also ended in March. My "friends" have told me to get over it too. It's incredibly invalidating and puts me in a tailspin. I'm learning that, except for my closest friends, my therapist, and this forum I just can't expect others to be able to relate to what I'm going through, or understand what my relationship was like. It's so personal and cuts right to the core of who I am. It hurt me on a level that I didn't know I could be hurt at. It f'ing sucks.  

I also remember vividly feeling that I was "so lucky" to have been brought together with this woman. I remember telling others exactly that! I felt so fortunate, I was on top of the world. Earlier today I was thinking that I wish I had never been involved with her, how broken I felt, and what if I never feel better again.  A year ago I was a happy, energized, empowered, and optimistic person. Now somedays I'm so depressed I can barely go through the motions. Everything is dull and empty. Sounds like you're feeling even worse than that. I'm so sorry, my friend.  

The thing that's made the biggest difference for me is finding this forum and finding that I'm not alone and I'm not going crazy. I post on here and no one tells me to "get over it." More importantly I hear other people say "it gets better." I believe them.

[NonBPDEx]

Thanks for the responses. Yes, it does cut to the core. And yes, its sucks.

I wish I could get rid of the guilt. She always said I did not love her enough. Maybe I did not show it enough.

She told me on a number of occasions "you will miss me when I am gone... .".

She would be here now if I had not broken it off. Maybe it is better and that it would have been worse later. But right now I just feel like I made one of the greatest fk-ups by not appreciating her like she wanted me to.

Even after all I have read about BPD, I feel like perhaps I was blessed and did not appreciate it, so it was taken away.

[zipline]

I wish I could get rid of the guilt. She always said I did not love her enough. Maybe I did not show it enough.

This is tough. I feel fortunate in that I know in my heart I gave everything I had to give. I made professional sacrifices, I listened to her problems, stopped seeing my friends, stopped doing my hobbies, only did things she wanted to do, learned her language, learned about her country, etc, etc.  Let me tell you honestly - it was never enough and it was never going to be enough.

I know all of our situations differ and our experiences vary, but I'm sure you showed you loved her. I'm sure you gave to her all that you could.

[Panda39]

Hey NonBPDEx,

I would like to echo ThanksforPlaying with starting with the basics.

I'm sorry to hear about your friends. They may mean well and I think "get over it" is an invalidating statement, it's not as simple as that when we're suffering from loss and grief?

This was your relationship and someone that you cared about. These things take time.

What about your family? Do you have family that's supportive?

How about a therapist? Do you have one?  You are grieving and it sounds like it's too much for your friends to help you through and you are overwhelmed too, maybe you need a professional that can give you a place to fully express your feelings and coach you through healing.

(It's the mom in me and I can't help myself I have to say it... .) In the meantime go get something to eat! 

You are not alone. 

Take care,

Panda39

[NonBPDEx]

Thanks zipline - I kept telling her I loved her. I kept telling her that I would not leave. In the end I did. The testing, not being able to trust her to be there on any level, everything always was about her needs, etc.

But she was so nice, and she tried so hard. I suppose it was about her, but it really felt like when she was lucid she really cared, and really tried. I don't believe she did not care.

And I kept telling her that it seemed that no matter what I did, it was never enough. She said I was not listening.

The mother of my boys is BPD. She left the three of us five years ago. I did not know about BPD until now, so I did not know what was going on with her. But I did all the things for her you mentioned. And like you, it was never enough, and I was always painted black, even when I was going out of my way to please her. I have absolulty no remorse for that relationship as I know I tried unselfishly for years.

The woman I just broke up with was the first, real relationship I have had since the split with my wife. Maybe I was on guard a bit too much. Or maybe I just knew it was too good to be true.

I wish I had some confirmation that the new guy is having a rough ride so I can give myself some peace. Not the most noble pronouncement.

Panda39 - Therapists cost money. I work for myself, and these days I am not working because of all this, so no money  As for something to eat, I am just not hungry. But thanks for the concern.