6 Months no contact from BPD mom then odd email

[Spruce927]

I'm nearing 6 months no contact with my uBPD mother.  I am just now getting the space I needed so long ago to process her.  I now see her and so many of her behaviors much clearly.  Although it's painful to think about and humiliating to admit what I allowed her to put me through, I'm getting much needed perspective.  Mother's Day passed and she did not say a word.  Then today she emailed my father (divorced 4 years), sister (not spoken 3 years), myself, and my partner. 

Here is here email.  There was a fatal Amtrak accident that happened near our city yesterday, and that is what she's referring to. 

She says:

This morning I woke up to a message from Michelle's dad in England asking if I was okay. I got in late last night from New York. At the last minute and I do mean the last minute I opted to not take the train with an employee and rent a car.  It is a long hard day for me and I decided this am I was going to take the train from now on because traffic in New York was crazy. I have to be there this Sunday for a stationary trade show

I am quite aware that every single one of you for some unknown reason could care less if I live or die. I find it sad, completely unfair and surely shows that you have no ideas of the level of pain I suffered I do t care what Larry thinks. His treatment of me during and after our divorce and marriage qualifies for an award.

But you my children really should wake up. Take a look at your young lives in the real world not your perception.

That said we just as easily could have been on this train. Very easily. It's the exact route we take and exactly when we got home last night. I work my ass off and have not had off in 3 months and I am 60 years  old and I am tired.  But I am at great peace within

I have a grand son I am kept away from for being thrown under a big bus

If I was dead this am , or mangled you wouldn't be hearing this

Ok so that's what she has to say for herself after 6 months of not speaking after I found out she made up an email account and faked emails to my father.  She's the most delusional person I know.  Notice how many times she says I!  It's unreal.  And she's always the victim.  Who cares about anyone else.  Always her pain.  And this would could talk about the pain of her divorce for the next 75 years!  She could literally talk about it all day every day if someone sat in front of her and listened. 

Thank you for letting me vent.  Responding to this would do nothing but cause me even more frustration.   She will never change. 

[ShieldsUp12]

Hi Spruce927. There's so much Arrrrrrrrgh! in that email from your M I just can't even. But this is great, right here:

But you my children really should wake up. Take a look at your young lives in the real world not your perception.

URGH! How condescending!


This, though, is almost comical in it's contradiction:

I work my ass off and have not had off in 3 months and I am 60 years  old and I am tired.  But I am at great peace within

URGH!

My M also has a fascination(?) with death. Kind of a "you'll be sorry when I'm dead thing" but not as direct. I'm not sure if this is something typical with people with this particular way of thought/behavior, but what you have written resonates with me. The way that it is communicated though, is sort of disconnected, or used as form of emotional blackmail or control. Or it's just odd.

My M once wrote to me and as part of her communication asked, "who will tell me when you're dead?" It was such a bizarre thing, IMO, for a mother to write to her adult child, that it sent a chill down my spine when I read it. Although, I was very, very tempted to write to her "well, it wouldn't be me, 'cause I'd be, you know, dead." How's that for dark humor?

Another time someone I was friends with for a bit when I was around 5 yo died, and she wrote to me basically commanding me to write something to his family, because they cared so much about me. Not to be mean, but I hadn't been in contact with them for decades, so wasn't really too sure how much they actually cared about me. I wrote them a sympathy note, but I found it interesting (and maddening) that M had not a care in the world how the news might affect me. Just, someone you were friends with died, write a letter of condolence.   I'm just an extension of herself with no thoughts or feelings of my own, apparently.

It feels pretty rotten to be conflicted writing a condolence letter to someone because your m has turned it into a mode of control over your behavior. That's messed up, honestly.

[DigitalGhost]

How do they do it? HOW do they manage to take someone else's tragedy and turn it around so it's all about them? It's sort of amazing, in a sick, sad way.  Somehow, it's always only about them, their pain, all they've suffered, all they've been through... .*sigh*  Unreal! 

[ShieldsUp12]

How do they do it? HOW do they manage to take someone else's tragedy and turn it around so it's all about them? It's sort of amazing, in a sick, sad way.  Somehow, it's always only about them, their pain, all they've suffered, all they've been through... .*sigh*  Unreal!  

DigitalGhost, the thing is I don't even know for certain if they know they are doing it?  

Not too terribly long ago, I thought this was a normal way of thinking, to turn tragedy like this into something that was all about them, when they/we have nothing to do with it. In the past, I fell for it hook, line and sinker - FOG. Even though there was some hidden part of my brain that thought something was "off" about it, I didn't make the connection as to how twisted what she was doing was. Which is alarming.

[oceaneyes]

Oh boy, can I relate to this! I just started therapy pretty recently and I have been setting boundaries and such with my uBPD mom. She has not been enjoying my assertiveness. She really only communicates with me via text message though, thankfully.

Anyways, the week of Mother's Day my mom sent me this text message:

"One of my high school classmates lost her daughter today. She was murdered. She was only 27. [My Husband]'s dad fell out in the yard today with no one at home for hours. He's expected to be okay. You never know what tomorrow will bring. This said, know that I love you and I'm so very proud of you. Mom"

At first glance, it might seem like an okay text, but I've heard her say she's "proud" of me in the same sentence where she's calling me a "little b****" many many times. So when she's says she's "proud" I know now that it's not genuine.

She's trying to manipulate me into feeling guilty or fearful of her death or my own death so that I'll reciprocate what she's said here. I find it disgusting that she's using her friend's tragedy to try to "teach me a lesson." I just responded with my condolences for her friend and that I would keep them both in my thoughts—she never did respond.

When she's in a rage she has said much more nasty things, similar to what your mom wrote. I've become very good at not taking anything she says personally, because I know what she's saying about me is truly just a reflection of how she feels about herself. I feel sorry for her but like you said, they will never change, at least not without years of professional help.

ShieldsUp12,

My mom is also very morbid, she talks about things she'll do when my step-dad passes, and frequently talks about wishing she was dead.

I had a similar experience to what you described too! I had very briefly (4-6 month long relationship, at most) dated a boy in high school and 4-5 years later his father committed suicide. It was obviously very sad. I remember my mother calling me and demanding that I call this ex-boyfriend that I hadn't spoken to in years to talk to him. I didn't feel comfortable with it, but I called anyways. I guess that wasn't enough though, because then she then arranged a visit when she knew I'd be staying at her house. So my current boyfriend (now DH) was visiting with me, and my ex-boyfriend from high school is at the house with his new girlfriend. It was extremely weird and strange. I'm still not really sure what she gained from that... .

[DigitalGhost]

DigitalGhost, the thing is I don't even know for certain if they know they are doing it?  

Very true!  I think often they don't even realize they're doing it.  But sometimes it's almost amusing to watch the mental gymnastics they go through to make something all about them. 

[Spruce927]

I loved the response that said "how do they do it?"  It's true they are amazing at turing a tragedy into something about them.  Even though there are people who ACTUALLY experienced the tragedy. 

It's nice to see I'm not the only one with a mother who was obsessed with death.  Of course only obsessed with the thought that she might die and everyone should worship, be grateful she's on earth.  "You'll miss me when I'm gone" and ":)on't worry I won't be here to nag you when I'm dead" were two of her favorites. 

It's also interesting to hear that they bring up random events of suicide.  That really got to me because my mother would do the same thing.  Tell a story of someone (we just know through the grape vine) and feel so sad and upset that her husband (in one example) who she never knew killed herself.  I believe on the outside she does this to be compassionate.  But then she throws in these words these simple words that send the message that that could in fact be her.  It might even sound "normal" unless of course your mother has BPD... .

[Spruce927]

Also,

You guys have no idea how nice to was to sign on here and read the responses.  THANK YOU.

Anyone else who's experienced please share.  It's honestly so therapeutic to have someone understand how sickening this email is and to hear your stories. 

Much love

[lauren2013]

WOW - LITERALLY, my mom could have written that email, @spruce927. It's crazy. I have had NC with my mom for 1 year and 7 months (but who's counting? ) and she often sends me emails about random stories in the news or people she's never met before and almost makes them sound like they are her friends or family members.  :)o you know what I mean?

Like when Kate Middleton had her baby or when something tragic happens in the news.  It's like she's emailing me because the only way I'll find out about this thing is through her.  And there are ALWAYS comments about what she's gone through, what my dad has put her through over the years (they are still married ugh), how unappreciative we've been of her b/c she is the one that has been the real victim, how we are keeping her from her granddaughter, etc, etc. It's just so crazy. And it feels good to talk about it here b/c honestly I still feel guilt when I see those emails. Even though I know they are insane, I still get the same pang of guilt and fear in my stomach - you know?  She even once compared herself to jesus hanging on the cross -that's how delusional she is and how much of a victim she actually thinks she is. It's so crazy!