Using one against other for yrs.

[teryytt]

I have an relative is adult been using one against other for yrs... it is terriable that person getting torchered... but person who doing it is push other with lies and he believes it... .other one getting torchered so stressed out... bully.

[funfunctional]

Have you tried to call her out? If you can't do this alone with her then you need a counselor asap to work with the two of you.  

Specifically sit down and write down step by step her response to a particular situation and how she got the children involved.    Like if she shared something with the kids and distorted the truth then call her on it.    

This is not going to get any easier with a divorce BTW.   If she has majority custody of the kids she may potentially destroy your relationship with the kids.    Even with 50% custody she can really make for a miserable situation.     My husband didn't even see the manipulation going on with his two kids.  As soon as I moved in (he is divorced with 50% custody) I could see it clearly.  I would say to him "do you realize what the kids said at table... .they blamed you for living in an apartment?".    She was feeding the kids poison at her house and lies.    Alienation.    

We lost my step son because of this.  We have managed to keep my step daughter and it boils down to her being smart enough to see thru her mom's BS.     We can't talk about her mom and we don't.   But MOM talks about us all the time.  Feeds such negativity.  Then she hugs them and says "I love you baby" and really really over the top show of affection.   For some reason it is okay as that is how the kids have been trained.    

So if the training already took place it that can be a challenge.    

In addition to the BPD I would suggest reading a book about Parental Alienation and if you are headed down the divorce road grab that book so you can head off some of the strategies alienators use.   Draw boundaries and lines on your time.  

If you are still in a "workable" position and plan on staying married you can still read this book by Dr. Warshack called Divorce poison.    It may give you some insight into how twisted some people can be.  

Watch your back!   Love wins... .don't let her see you sweat and don't let her get away with NOTHING.  Call her out and speak up for yourself in a calm and even tone and just call her out.  Let her do the acting up.   Let the kids see that.    

[P.F.Change]

Hi, terytt,

Welcome to bpdfamily! Splitting and Triangulation are common BPD behaviors. We would love to be able to offer you support in coping with them. Would you mind telling us a little bit more about your situation? How are you related to the person with BPD, and how is it impacting you? Are you in regular contact with this relative?

Wishing you peace,

PF