Life is getting better

[Suzn]

I wanted to share that things have gotten much better over the past couple months with my mother. I had gone NC for a short period of time, I needed to get myself back together emotionally because I was just a mess for a while. It's funny how things work out, I moved closer to my family and to be living in a place that was more pleasing to the eye and that had more opportunities to meet a more diverse group of friends. I thought I had planned well for everything and for the most part I did. Nevertheless things didn't go well and I returned home. I didn't sell my house back home because at least I had the presence of mind to make sure everything was going to work out before I would sell a house I worked seriously hard to own.

Something that I've had to come to terms with is the fact that I didn't move away with financial backing had something gone wrong. It didn't cross my mind that something would go wrong in that area because I've always been able to get a job quickly. That wasn't the case there and my business relationship with my brother was falling apart near the end and being able to keep my boundaries left me feeling rather panicky financially. Bottom line, I didn't have savings to fall back on. That's probably a good thing in this scenario however because I know me and I would have sank my savings into my brother's business, a business that I really had little control over business decisions that affected the bottom line. Fast forward to right now, grow up you need a savings account. Lesson learned. I have fully recovered financially, my new job is going great and have started saving.

As far as my mother goes, we had a very rocky relationship after I got back home, understandably (now). She struggled with me leaving, heck I struggled with me leaving. I didn't want to leave my nephew who was struggling in my brother's home. I changed my number since I was back home and didn't give it to her for a week or so, so she started contacting my friends via facebook, I blocked her there, it was inappropriate first and second I needed some space. I grabbed a few sessions with my T and started reading the lessons here and worked to get my emotions back under control. I wasn't thinking clearly at all and forgetfulness as a result of ptsd was at an all time high.

I know there are stories much worse than mine here on this board, my heart goes out to you in this. I say that because, for me, I didn't want to live in the past, nor did I want to remain in that angry, bitterness. I have never been that angry before in my life. I have no judgment for anyone else's situation, I know my story isn't as painful as some, I want to recover my relationship with my mother and I set out to do that, I had to get a handle on me first. Once I did I slowly started calling her and testing my own patience because for a minute I had none. It got easier.

I think with my minding my patience she calmed down too. I won't just forget everything that was said while I was still there and a few things said after I got back, I can't say with one hundred percent certainty that she "woke up" but I can say that she's trying and for that I am thankful. Something she said to me that made me sit straight up was "I'm sorry you are reliving all this." Meaning my childhood of physical abuse, which was completely accurate. I was deeply triggered watching her and my brother's interactions with my nephew. I have no idea where she got this, read this, heard this, but I know this hadn't been my mother in the past by any stretch. I didn't ask, I think had I asked it would have made her think I thought she was ignorant so I didn't ask "where did you learn that?" I don't care where she learned it or how she figured it out, I'm thankful that she seems to have. I had never confronted my mother to this degree before... .I really let her have it over a period of time for what she was doing and had done, had she really heard me? I hadn't realized till right then that my defenses had been up, the walls -I- had built. I'm not saying I am excusing what happened in the past however I want to let it go.

It's like I had to hold her accountable until she started holding herself accountable. I know I can't expect overnight results and it hasn't been but so far she seems to be doing just that. For a mother that told me "I don't think I loved you kids like I love my grandson" I needed to see it. The tools here are working for us, DEARMAN especially. I also think our literal distance helped both of us.

I just recently, last week, let her back on my Facebook. I watched her in sort of a frenzy "like" everything of mine and she made a few comments. That would have irritated me a couple months ago and I just sat back to see if she could adjust. She has backed off since the first few days without me saying anything, I just watched. -I- adjusted too from a couple months ago. I had told her when all this originally happened that I need you to leave me alone, I need some space and she couldn't do it then. She's doing that now. I could say that it could be "out of sight out of mind" however she has sent a text or two with "have a good day, I love you." It's my defenses from the past that would normally push my thoughts to something other than what it may be. The past happened, I didn't make it up and I know there's still a part of me that doesn't want to be "duped." I'm finding balance with my trust issues.

She has used my nephew as an excuse for contact, she knows how much he means to me, by sending texts "from him" and I don't care. I have asked myself sometimes is this really the reason or does she finally get it? I have to remind myself I am jaded from my past in general but also from my exBPDgf using her children as a hook for me. -I- have to adjust. I want contact with him so her "using" him, if that is what's happening, keeps me in his thoughts occasionally and in his memories given I am not there and he is only 3. That is what's important. It's a win for he and I no matter what her intentions are.

I know that this may not work for everyone's situation because there is some deep trauma here, I get it, however the tools are working. Ever smile and cry at the same time? That's how this feels. I am living in and responding to the now and I think I have finally reached acceptance, not only for her issues but mine as well.

[Kwamina]

Hi Suzn,

Thanks for sharing these developments in your life. I am glad that things have gotten much better with your mother. And I am also glad you have recovered financially and aren't dependent on a business relationship with your brother

I know there are stories much worse than mine here on this board, my heart goes out to you in this.

We all have different experiences but that alone doesn't make one story worse than another. Don't forget that we were all little dependent and defenseless children with still developing identities. Even the little things can seem larger than life then and hugely impact us. A lifetime of little things adds up to a whole lot of heartache. Often we are also 'trained' or 'conditioned' to minimize our experiences of abuse. You mention the physical abuse and to me that definitely is a big thing.

I think with my minding my patience she calmed down too. I won't just forget everything that was said while I was still there and a few things said after I got back, I can't say with one hundred percent certainty that she "woke up" but I can say that she's trying and for that I am thankful. Something she said to me that made me sit straight up was "I'm sorry you are reliving all this." Meaning my childhood of physical abuse, which was completely accurate. I was deeply triggered watching her and my brother's interactions with my nephew. I have no idea where she got this, read this, heard this, but I know this hadn't been my mother in the past by any stretch. I didn't ask, I think had I asked it would have made her think I thought she was ignorant so I didn't ask "where did you learn that?" I don't care where she learned it or how she figured it out, I'm thankful that she seems to have.

... .

It's like I had to hold her accountable until she started holding herself accountable. I know I can't expect overnight results and it hasn't been but so far she seems to be doing just that.

Seeing someone try and truly give their all, regardless of the outcome, is a glorious sight to behold. I often think of a member we had here a while back who posted about her mother who was already close to 90 years old when she got diagnosed with BPD. This was the first time she had been diagnosed with anything and what did she do? She accepted her diagnosis and started Dialectical Behavior Therapy Regardless of the outcome, she was trying to the best of her ability and as old as she was fully committed herself to working on her issues. There is always hope.

I just recently, last week, let her back on my Facebook. I watched her in sort of a frenzy "like" everything of mine and she made a few comments. That would have irritated me a couple months ago and I just sat back to see if she could adjust. She has backed off since the first few days without me saying anything, I just watched. -I- adjusted too from a couple months ago. I had told her when all this originally happened that I need you to leave me alone, I need some space and she couldn't do it then. She's doing that now. I could say that it could be "out of sight out of mind" however she has sent a text or two with "have a good day, I love you." It's my defenses from the past that would normally push my thoughts to something other than what it may be. The past happened, I didn't make it up and I know there's still a part of me that doesn't want to be "duped." I'm finding balance with my trust issues.

It is important to recognize our own contributions to the cycle of conflict. By staying mindful of your own thoughts and emotions and by not immediately reacting, you were able to positively change the dynamics of your relationship with your mother here

I know that this may not work for everyone's situation because there is some deep trauma here, I get it, however the tools are working. Ever smile and cry at the same time? That's how this feels. I am living in and responding to the now and I think I have finally reached acceptance, not only for her issues but mine as well.

Great to hear that the tools have worked so well for you. Acceptance is often hard but I believe does help us let go of the immutable past and focus on the present and the things we can change.

You say you have also reached acceptance for your own issues. Accepting means acknowledging reality as it is and that is the first step in being able to do something about your issues What would you say are the main issues or problem areas that you have identified in yourself?

[Suzn]

Hi Kwamina

Accepting means acknowledging reality as it is and that is the first step in being able to do something about your issues What would you say are the main issues or problem areas that you have identified in yourself?

":)on't internalize the Hermit's fears or become limited by them."

One of the first questions my T asked me was how often are you afraid? I thought about if for only a few minutes and realized I had always been afraid, of everything. That was 4 years ago. I've worked really hard on this one, I feel pretty comfortable in my own skin most of the time today. However, whenever I am triggered my ptsd irrational thoughts show up, catastrophic thinking, I manage them pretty well most of the time. These thoughts can trigger an ocd reaction internally, usually this is centered around checking my home and my dogs. I practice opposite action for those triggers. A few months ago that was a different story. I don't recall ever being that deeply triggered. Unexpected loud noises such as train horns are unnerving, there's nothing I can do about that it just is and won't change.

Avoidance. I try not to do this but I know I have. Letting go of a lot of fear helped this, sometimes it's difficult for me to decide when walking away is for the best or healthy when trying not to be avoidant of a difficult situation. I walked away a few months ago to get an emotional foothold, it was too much.

I'm pretty outgoing when I'm with people but I'm finding I'm somewhat of an introvert and will spend too much time inside my head. I don't think it goes as far as ruminating because there isn't just one thing on my mind over and over, it's more that I like to think about a lot of different things. Mull things over, try to look at different angles. This helped me a lot when I was working on not taking things personally but it can be bothersome when I pass an exit I need to take when I'm driving. There's a big part of this I think comes from just being knowledge starved, we were pretty isolated growing up. I have been known to get off topic.  

When this all hit me the first of this year, I became really forgetful in general and I found it hard to focus. Part of that has been with me for most of my life, I have a hard time with chronological order in memories. A little of the forgetfulness in general is still with me. I'm hoping this will get better over time and with practicing focusing.

Trust issues. I think this comes with the territory with my history. I think I'm at peace with this one, I'd rather be alone than in a bad relationship. Friends, family or other. I'm content with my own company. I do socialize without feeling guarded with close friends.

I think I've come pretty close to kicking codependency. I keep tabs on tendencies. There is no one that I depend on being ok to be ok myself. The only person I have concerns about today is my nephew and I think those concerns are just. Outside of him, and he is a thousand miles away, there hasn't been anyone I've had thoughts of saving or of care-taking.