first post

[annalynn01]

I have borderline personality disorder running through my family lines like a nightmare! Aunts, my grandma. My mom, both sisters. My son and my daughter and myself. I have been in therapy myself for a very long time though it has been a year since I have gone. I have been working very, very hard to reduce tendencies in myself and have come a long ways. It has only been in the last one year and a half that I realized that my mom, two sisters, son and daughter had it. My relationship with my mom during that time has been very, very difficult. I have really had my eyes opened. I think somehow I must have known something was off but I was too scared, too fearful to face it and wasn't ready. I always thought of her as the mom on "House on the Prairie" or the "Walton's). Well, yeah, I guess sometimes. That was the nice side. But the vicious side. The nasty manipulative side. I neatly just put that out of my mind - completely and totally until a year and a half ago. It has been so hard as I have attempted to establish boundaries with her and my sisters and children. They had gotten so established in using me that they became very angry when I told them no. Even simple boundaries. And I am still stating those same boundaries. But I am not just going up against one person. I am going against a whole family system and a system that does NOT want to change so they are literally fighting me and isolating me in retaliation in order to get me to "change back". No way! But it is hard.

[enlighten me]

Hi annalynn

im sorry that your going through what you are. Well done for enforcing your boundaries though. How old are your children? I have two uBPD exs and my ex wife is going through a bad patch. My sons have come to live with me and now her husband has kicjed her out. I have spoken to my sons about the possibiliy of her being BPD and was wondering what was it that made you think you had it? Also what therapy has been helping you?

Its a horrible situation you are in.  Have you spoken to your children about your diagnosis? Maybe by explaining how it affected you they may see it in themselves. By explaining how therapy has helped they may consider it for themselves.

[Kwamina]

Hi annalynn01 ,

Welcome to bpdfamily and thanks for sharing your story.

You are dealing with a lot of seemingly disordered people in your life which isn't easy. I am very glad to hear though that you've been working so hard on your own issues and have made so much progress?

Have you been officially diagnosed with BPD?

Did anything happen in particular in this last year and a half that made you come to this realization about your family-members? How were you able to face your fears and face the reality of your family-members quite possibly having BPD?

We have an article here that I think you might find interesting about fear, obligation and guilt (FOG):

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Do you feel like your family-members try to use fear, obligation and/or guilt to make you loosen your boundaries? You can read the entire article here:

Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

[annalynn01]

I talked to my last counselor that I had for several years and even though we discussed BPD, I told him I refused to have it written as a diagnosis because of the possible harm it could cause in my profession. It was because of my own diagnosis and then being hired into the family business (after being mostly away from them for a long, long time) that I became intimately aware that the intense feelings of anger, shame, fear, confusion, etc were because I was beginning to see borderline personality disorder in them. This was a process. I am also have a master's in the social sciences so it wasn't as if I didn't know what to look for. I had just graduated several years before and then when I got in the business it was like I had the knowledge to put two and two together. Yes, there is INTENSE intimidation and fear tactics to "keep me in my place" so to say. I could not even attend my aunt's funeral without fear of the police being called simply because I asked my sister to not give me a gift and to give my daughter and I space at the funeral (because she had crossed some major boundaries in the preceding months such as texting 26+ times in several hours while I was at work, taking my daughter who was in peril without letting me know and refusing to comment about her condition for a year, etc). Then, later I found out my mom had a part in it. yeah, all of the fun.

[Kwamina]

Hi again annalynn01

You have set certain boundaries with your family-members which is very important Boundaries are essential to protect our own well-being. You also mention it being hard which I can relate too. Dealing with the fear, obligation and guilt can be quite challenging. To aid you in your continued setting and enforcing of your boundaries, perhaps you can benefit from some articles and workshops we have here:

Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

Examples of boundaries

Take care