Sharing: Getting spun tonight and feeling like a victim

[zipline]

I need to share.

I had a good day today. Had dinner with friends earlier tonight and was even able to talk about my uBPDexgf in the context of things I've learned here. My friends were supportive. They asked if I was dating anyone and I said no that I was still processing this past relationship. I gave two or three details about what transpired between us and a friend said: "what a terrible person, thank god she's out of your life." But of course she's not.

There's a music event on Friday that I know she'll be at, and I've been obsessing on it. This is an event put on by a close friend and many acquaintances and friends will be there. It's something I want to go to. But I can't now distinguish between me wanting to go because I want to go for me VS me going and seeing her there with her friends and god knows who else -- someone she's sleeping with, dating? I don't know.   

I need some help.   

I was just now out with the friend who's putting on the show on Friday and I told him that I probably won't go. I said I know my exgf will be there and it just takes too much energy to deflect her presence.  He told me that she's still hooked into my brain and to let it go. I said it's getting better, but yeah, I guess she is.  He asked "isn't she going to be out of the country soon? her job is over." I asked him how he knew that and he said she posted a bunch of pics on facebook about her last day at work with parties and celebrations. 

I went cold. 

For some reason this really got to me.  I can imagine her leaving this city with her collection of "wonderful" friends and colleagues, while she's left me for dead with a total cut off.  Me. The man who went through a pregnancy and abortion with her, trying my f'ing hardest to be the best person I could be for us. Me. The man who went to go meet her family halfway around the world.  Me. The man that when we were apart told me that she missed me so much that it made her cry. Me. The man that told her honestly that I loved her in a way that I had loved no other. The man who poured every ounce of emotion and dedication into our relationship, who listened seriously to every criticism and complaint in order to be a better partner.   

The last communication we had (via email) was her saying she wanted to leave here with no regrets and to do that I should not speak with her again. No regrets. Great. I'm a reget. 

It's been about two months since then and I've stayed NC.  I blocked her on facebook and deleted her from my contacts. She's not going to contact me, nor I her.

Why is she still in my head? Why does this effect me? I left the bar an hour ago and walked home thinking "I am not a victim. I am not a victim."  But I feel victimized.  I feel used. I feel completely devalued.

[Beach_Babe]

You feel victimized, used and devalued because you WERE. Regrets?  Hah. SHES the regret. Her whole life is one big regret. I tell ya these people really got some nerve. I know how you are feeling man because i'm in the same boat. Thats rotten how she treated you, I am so sorry. You deserve better. What crap that is.

[once removed]

zipline,

no harm in protecting yourself. there are two schools of thought: one is that you should expose yourself to triggers therefore desensitizing yourself. the other is avoid triggers at least until youre ready. i like both. the variable is you and the pace you are comfortable with, and protecting your recovery process.

as such id avoid discussing this any further with the friend putting on the show. he was kind of invalidating, and having decided she is "still hooked into your brain and to let it go" he took it upon himself to tell you what shes up to. very helpful guy  .

personally, id be triggered too. id feel both alone and ashamed if a friend treated me that way. i think its that simple. shortly after i was replaced, i had a friend, who had previously gone out of their way to empathize with me, tell me my ex was probably not even thinking about me. funny thing is, i factually knew her to be wrong, but i was massively triggered, and though i dont recall, i probably had similar visuals.

"Why is she still in my head? Why does this effect me? "I am not a victim. I am not a victim."  But I feel victimized.  I feel used. I feel completely devalued."

zipline, your feelings are valid. they are yours. its great that you reject a victim mentality, but its understandable that this all still feels intensely personal. it effects you because you had an attachment with this person, and feelings for them. you have a history. please do not feel ashamed of your feelings, they are a healthy expression. i understand feeling like the feelings are "wrong", like you should be railing against or "over" this person, but that attitude is invalidating yourself and actually worsening the feelings. accept the feelings. then you can begin to deal with them.

hang in there.

edit: i wouldnt go to the show. i only say that because you leaned against it. your friend has behaved like a jerk, and your ex probably wont be there. do something for you instead  

[Aussie0zborn]

I would suggest that considering going to the show knowing she would be there was a mistake. In order to protect yourself, it should not have even been a consideration. Your friend will put on another show another time so there is no real reason for you to be there - your  healing is more important that you "missing out".

So while you were worried about that, the goal posts moved and now you have another worry to deal with. These people are really good at moving the goal posts. In my case, I waste my time gathering evidence and when we go to court there is something new and I start all over again.

Maybe she is moving, maybe she isn't.  That shouldn't change your course. Look at the effect she is having on you. She is only the cause here - it's your choice as to whether you will accept what she is putting onto you indirectly. You need to flush this person out of your system.

Your feelings are very normal in this situation. We've all been there so please let me suggest that you are lucky she is leaving town. You just don't know it yet and will probably allow you to heal sooner rather than later. Good luck.

[zipline]

A lot of good words here. Thank you for your input and support. I'm responding to everyone here:

I think you're right that I need to accept my feelings of victimization and devaluation. They are valid. Maybe if I accept instead of trying to ignore then I will get to the healing stage. Like BB said, I feel this way because these things actually happened, I'm not making it all up -- that's OK.   It's funny that I feel dysregulated about this relationship and I never know when some comment or interaction will roll off my back or crush me. When it crushes, it's overwhelming. It's like I've been infected with this disorder when it comes to this one person. I will avoid talking about this with my friend. I think you're right -- he was invalidating. This board is a much better space to talk about my feelings. I'm glad it's here. And I'm glad I have therapy tomorrow.

Also right that this event on Friday isn't important. My wellbeing is important. Thinking about going for the past couple of weeks has done a lot more damage than good. The mere fact that it's causing me anxiety is enough reason to just be kind to myself and not put myself through it.

Honestly, what do I hope for by going? That maybe she'll talk to me and apologize? Tell me how truly sorry she for me and my family that my dad died? Take responsibility for her actions? Admit that she broke under the strain of being too close? Tell me that she loves me? Act like the responsible, caring, beautiful human being I thought she was? That I'll be able to talk about how I feel and she'll empathize with me? She will do none of those things. I know this in my soul. But I have to admit to everyone that the possibility of being in the same space as her brings up these fantasies. 

I have an urge to email her to ask her when she is, in fact, leaving the country but I won't because, you're right, where she is or what she does shouldn't change my course.  I wish she was gone now, but it will be another month. I think I might leave for that time instead. I go back and forth about whether explicit avoidance (e.g. leave the country for a month until she's gone) is healthy self-protection or unhealthy running away. 

[zipline]

I had therapy today and talked about joining this forum, and what I've learned in this short time and how it applies to my life.  I started off by saying out loud that I am sure that my exgf suffers from BPD. It's the first time I've said that to him and I felt something shift inside of me. All this time I was mistaken about who I was involved with and what our involvement meant. I was in a situation that was no-win and was destined to run its course.

I'm not totally comfortable making this claim. I'm not qualified to diagnose someone. It's hard for me to believe or understand that someone can be so disordered at their core. Or that behavior of an individual is predetermined to be so f'ed up. It feels so reductionist.

This week, I've been struck a few times with the feeling that this BPD business is all a dream and that there's another explanation -- that our relationship can't be reduced to a diagnosis with a pattern of symptoms and that this women I so desperately wanted and tried to love isn't a disorder.  The evidence is there, though. and BPD is by far the best (if not the only) explanation I've found. Occam's razor and whatnot.

It was a good session, but I'm sad for her that this is her life. I'm sad I'll probably never be able to think about her outside of this context again.