Innate Rescuing and Mastery

[maternal]

Hi, my name is maternal, and I am a rescuer.

I've noticed a lot of "us" rescuer types here trying to figure out how to stop rescuing.  We judge this part of our makeup and sometimes vilify our own seemingly innate rescuing characteristics.  As I'm working my way through Robert Greene's Mastery, I can't help but wonder if this rescuing that some of us seem to "suffer" from isn't really just our calling, so-to-speak.  It seems to satisfy something within us to be trying to help others or taking care of folks.  Perhaps this isn't something that we need to be trying to shut down within ourselves, but something that we should be seeking and exploring more.  Perhaps all of our lives would feel more complete and good if we were to take to vocations that were actively involved in helping others and / or doing everything that we can to rescue others from hardships that they may face.  Maybe, instead of judging these characteristics about ourselves, we are all best suited for work which involve taking care of other people.  That may be as simple as volunteering at a homeless shelter, or as involved as being an EMT or a nurse.  For me, personally, I don't think that I could ever turn this part of who I am off.  I can't just stop hoping that I can help that homeless person.  I won't ever stop donating time and money to the battered women's shelter.  And I won't even stop hoping for the wellness of my diagnosedPBD ex, either. 

I remember when I was young, maybe 6 or 7, I'd stayed home from school sick.  While I was home, I'd watched a movie about a pack of sled dogs that had to be abandoned at their post in Antarctica while their humans had to leave for some reason that I can't remember.  I believe this movie was called Antarctica, but I can't remember that, either (this was around 1984 or 85).  I remember that it absolutely broke my heart to see these dogs have to suffer through the harshness of the crazy weather and desperation of trying to survive without their humans.  I wanted nothing more than to save them all.  This rescuing isn't new to me and it certainly didn't begin with my ex.  I don't recall having any family members that I felt needed rescuing while growing up, either.  This isn't something I've learned, it's just an innate characteristic within me.

This need to rescue and help others is just part of who I am.  I can't just turn it off and it certainly doesn't do me any good to judge or vilify this part of myself, either.  All that I can do is accept it and figure out the best way to Master this part of who I am and find the healthiest way to channel it. 

Maybe none of us need to figure out how to stop trying or wanting to rescue, but instead, figure out how we can utilize these characteristics that we have to better suit our lives and the lives of others who can benefit from our help in the healthiest and best ways possible.  Maybe we're all just meant for the purpose of rescuing / helping others and that's exactly what we should be doing with our lives.

[ADecadeLost]

For me, personally, I don't think that I could ever turn this part of who I am off.  I can't just stop hoping that I can help that homeless person.  I won't ever stop donating time and money to the battered women's shelter.  And I won't even stop hoping for the wellness of my diagnosedPBD ex, either. 

I don't think it's necessarily about needing to turn this part of ourselves off.  I think it's more about ensuring that we utilize it in a way that isn't detrimental to ourselves.  We can still donate our time, our money, our support.  We just need to be careful not cause ourselves any undue harm in the process. 

So while I will never stop volunteering my time, offering a hand up to those who need it, or offering emotional support to a friend, I cannot allow myself to become vested to the level where I feel as if it is my job to rescue a person or solve their problems for them.  This is the type of behavior that manifested itself in many of our relationships with our BPD exes.  It took a physical, psychological, and emotional toll on all of us, and in the long run limited our ability to truly utilize our rescuer/problem solver traits for good.

[fromheeltoheal]

It seems to satisfy something within us to be trying to help others or taking care of folks.

Yes.  There's a difference between being a compassionate, caring human willing to help and a rescuer.  Then again, some folks are professional rescuers like firemen and trauma surgeons, but I don't think that's the kind of rescuing we're talking about.  To me compassion, caring, helping, being of selfless service are all healthy, human social animal behaviors, innate behaviors without which we wouldn't have evolved this far.  And there's no such thing as selfless service anyway, because when we serve selflessly we get something out of it, be it warm fuzzy feel-good or maybe guilt avoidance.  But rescuing crosses the line; rescuing includes being of service to someone else in a way that depletes us, maybe a complete abandonment of our own needs in the process, and the clincher: we get our own needs met at a low level by rescuing, and if we take on the identity of rescuer that gets called codependency.  So what needs are we trying to get met by rescuing?  And what would be other ways, vehicles, to meet those same needs but at a higher level?  We wouldn't rescue if we weren't getting something out of it.

Sidebar: it didn't take long after the honeymoon was over in my relationship to discover my ex was going to be a project, all take and no give, or the 'giving' was done with an agenda, and I was all-in emotionally, trying to help, trying to care, but after we give give give for a while it's natural to ask where's mine?  And it became clear that her rules were such that I was expected to inhabit a rescuer role, her sht was the only sht, and getting a glimpse of that made me cringe, which I consider healthy.  So I left.  And she had absolutely no idea why, I should be grateful to be in a relationship with such an amazing woman, narcissism surfacing as a defense for shame.  So cycle in the next rescuer, maybe he's more grateful than me, hope it works for them.

[jhkbuzz]

I don't think it's necessarily about needing to turn this part of ourselves off.  I think it's more about ensuring that we utilize it in a way that isn't detrimental to ourselves.  We can still donate our time, our money, our support.  We just need to be careful not cause ourselves any undue harm in the process.

I agree with the OP: our caretaking tendencies can be a wonderful, empathetic response to those in need - and not something we need to "turn off" completely if it's part of who we are. But it can be a double sided coin; caretaking in inappropriate circumstances can be harmful.

And not just harmful to ourselves - harmful to others. My ex would have been much better off if I had left her to her own devices - to figure out life and what she needed to "solve" on her own. It goes without saying that I would have been much better off as well.

[maternal]

I think it's more about the use of language than anything.  

Of course, healthy expression of these tendencies is the goal.  It's not the desire to rescue or want to help others that's unhealthy... .those things are highly positive, compassionate and helpful characteristics... .it's the codependency and enabling where things get difficult for everyone involved.  So, the desire to help others and rescue isn't necessarily a negative thing.  Some have different motivation than others, I'm aware of that, but, for the most part, the need or want to rescue is not something that any of us should belittle ourselves over.

I see many folks here bemoan or put themselves down for having this rescuing tendency.  I know how easy it is to beat yourself up in the aftermath or dead center of a relationship with someone suffering from BPD, but I think it would serve us all better if we worked on using different language.  I understand that it feels as though this part of our personalities is somehow "wrong" or at part to blame for the paths that our relationships took or have taken.  I see a lot of language that puts down these tendencies and the language is that of needing to shut down or stop these tendencies or that these feelings are wrong.  Perhaps for some, this is true, but I'd imagine that for most of us, we just need to channel these things more positively. We shouldn't communicate our rescuing tendencies in such a negative way - and I'm aware that there are exceptions, and that some of more self-harmful tendencies than others - but we should celebrate our altruistic nature and find ourselves positive and healthy ways to express them.

Basically, instead of hurting ourselves in regard to our rescuing nature, it would serve us all better to accept, celebrate and learn how to better express this part of who we are. Instead of the language of rescuing as trouble, we need to know that it's okay to have these feelings / tendencies.  Kind of "okay, so this is who I am, now what is the best and healthiest way to channel this?"