I'm confused. Unsure which way to go and set boundaries properly

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello All:

My suspected xBPD wife and I are separated for 3 month now and we have been in low communication, mostly talk about our 3 years old son only.

2 weeks ago, we accidentally bumped into each and since then, my kid got sick, school graduation, summer camp at childcare, we suddenly talked to each other a lot more in a span of 2 weeks and we talked about our issues.

For the past 3 month, I admit, even though I was adamant about leaving, but I longed for reunion if there is a chance. I read all about BPD, validation, boundaries and co-dependency and when we talked again, it did feel different when I used validation techniques.

I felt, after I validated her feelings, not her actions, she became more collaborative... and she even said, we had marriage issues. I had mine, she had hers and that she took me for granted...  now, that was something never happened before. It's like an apology without an apology, I was like wow.

Anyhow, as we talked more, we didn't have the stormy, hot and sizzling recycle that others had, rather, she was being very careful, she said she's scared of our r/s, our issues and unsure of what went wrong. Is this part of their recycle attempt?

As we talked more, older issues re-surfaced and I want to tread the water VERY carefully because I find that she still blames me for abandoned our marriage, our son as if I'm a deadbeat dad or a man who left his family for an affair...

The fact is she called police on me which crossed my boundary when she thought I was going to abandon her by not having a calm, caring and loving attitude at the situation at the time.  

I own up to my issues and I'm no perfect angel.  Sure, I need to talk to them in a lovely manner, not trigger her abandonment issue and the fact is, I didn't love her the way I should be at our 4th/5th year of marriage and 7 years of being together, we had the 7 years itch of what a regular marriage would've had too.

However, as we talked and I validated her feeling, I found that she was still pushing certain moral boundaries... I need to set boundaries and get rid of my co-dependency issue, love myself,  don't allow her to disrespect me and voice what I like and dislike...

So far, I voiced some of my dislikes which she took in quite well to my surprise, however, I don't feel like she understandss boundaries still. To her, some of my boundaries is not loving her.  So how do you proceed in this situation?  

[LeonVa]

Hello All:

My suspected xBPD wife and I are separated for 3 month now and we have been in low communication, mostly talk about our 3 years old son only.

2 weeks ago, we accidentally bumped into each and since then, my kid got sick, school graduation, summer camp at childcare, we suddenly talked to each other a lot more in a span of 2 weeks and we talked about our issues.

For the past 3 month, I admit, even though I was adamant about leaving, but I longed for reunion if there is a chance. I read all about BPD, validation, boundaries and co-dependency and when we talked again, it did feel different when I used validation techniques.

I felt, after I validated her feelings, not her actions, she became more collaborative... and she even said, we had marriage issues. I had mine, she had hers and that she took me for granted...  now, that was something never happened before. It's like an apology without an apology, I was like wow.

Anyhow, as we talked more, we didn't have the stormy, hot and sizzling recycle that others had, rather, she was being very careful, she said she's scared of our r/s, our issues and unsure of what went wrong. Is this part of their recycle attempt?

As we talked more, older issues re-surfaced and I want to tread the water VERY carefully because I find that she still blames me for abandoned our marriage, our son as if I'm a deadbeat dad or a man who left his family for an affair...

The fact is she called police on me which crossed my boundary when she thought I was going to abandon her by not having a calm, caring and loving attitude at the situation at the time.  

I own up to my issues and I'm no perfect angel.  Sure, I need to talk to them in a lovely manner, not trigger her abandonment issue and the fact is, I didn't love her the way I should be at our 4th/5th year of marriage and 7 years of being together, we had the 7 years itch of what a regular marriage would've had too.

However, as we talked and I validated her feeling, I found that she was still pushing certain moral boundaries... I need to set boundaries and get rid of my co-dependency issue, love myself,  don't allow her to disrespect me and voice what I like and dislike...

So far, I voiced some of my dislikes which she took in quite well to my surprise, however, I don't feel like she understandss boundaries still. To her, some of my boundaries is not loving her.  So how do you proceed in this situation?  

[once removed]

hey leonva, im sorry i didnt see this sooner.

these links may help your situation:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0  boundaries - living our values

https://bpdfamily.org/2010/12/do-you-have-healthy-boundaries.html  do you have healthy boundaries

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a115.htm characteristics of a healthy relationship

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships  you might have read this one


last but not least, i read a book called "boundaries" when i was in high school and it taught me a lot, stuff that stayed with me. it has a religious connotation, so it may or not be for you, but its not exactly a sermon. i recommend it.

hope this helps. its a fair amount of information, but all around the same theme.