BPD daughter 39, I am 72 and struggling with her choices

[jaya]

My daughter has significant health issues which she has embellished to some extent; has not worked for a year and I am subsidizing her rent for herself (her two roommates pay their own share), and I cannot do it anymore.  I have tried to be supportive and caring over the years and as long as I help her financially I'm a wonderful mom; but now that I've given her a deadline which she knows I mean to enforce she's angry and thinks I'm mean and evil etc. (black and white thinking; I've read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" a few years ago and have picked it up many times in between.)  I've told her I'm too old for all this and am trying to detach with love but I know when the rent is due she will have a health crisis again.  I have an appointment with my attorney for the 6th of next month to take care of some of these issues by means of my will because over the years I've drained myself of necessary funds for my own future in order to help her financially with various crises.  I know it has to stop!  My son (45) wants nothing to do with this situation and does not approve of any help I've given her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[madmom]

Hello jaya and welcome.  It sounds like you have been a big support for your daughter for a number of years.  It sounds like you are ready, willing and able to set boundaries with her.   My own daughter is 27 and we have helped her out financially many times, and like you we had to eventually say no.  Like your daughter she was angry etc. but she managed to get it worked out and is in a better place today, although getting there was a rocky road!   It might be good to take a look at the tools and lessons you see on the right hand side of the page.  Like you, I have read the Walking on Eggshells book and several others, but I found that I really learned from the concise way things were written here.   The skills really helped me to communicate better with my daughter and also to stop enabling so much of her behavior etc.   I hope you find it as helpful as I do.   There are many of us that are in the same situation as you and you are in the right place for help and support.   You are not alone.   Please tell us a little more.   What is the biggest issue you have with your daughter?   What other support does she have other than you?  Can she get a job, if she wants to, or are her health issues enough to qualify for disability?   I am anxious to hear from you soon.

[jaya]

Thanks for your reply, madmom!  It helps to know I have company.  My daughter tried to get on disability so she could pay her own rent but hasn't been successful with that; she has medical coverage and food stamps but quit the job so didn't get unemployment.  She lived with me for a few months 3 years ago and I gave her a deadline etc. (with the help of the eggshells book and counseling so I know I can do it) so she moved out and got a job and did pretty well until her health crashed again.  Now I'm that much older and frankly afraid for her to move back in with me because of my age vulnerability so that's why I've been paying so she can stay on her own.  Her roommates are very caring.  She said she had the promise of a small inheritance so she could pay me back, which never came through. And her promises to come up with solutions are not successful after all this time and it's all so complicated and exhausting; she has veered off into other interests (mini-horses) which aren't gathering income at all but so far haven't cost much but could cause more expenses (vets etc.) which she could never pay.  That's when I decided I had to pull the plug; I could see the handwriting on the wall.  I will take a look at the tools on the right tomorrow.  Meantime, do you have any other suggestions?  I think I need to cut my losses for now.

[livednlearned]

Hi jaya,

I wanted to join madmom in welcoming you to the site. It sounds like you are certain about your boundaries to stop paying her rent, but have some concerns that she could end up living with you? Or do you feel firm about that boundary too.

When she is angry at you, does she rage? Or do you think she will stop communicating with you? What are your biggest concerns in terms of setting these boundaries?

I hope you keep posting and let us know how you're doing.



LnL

[jaya]

Thanks for your reply, livednlearned.  I have struggled with these boundaries and feel it's now or never.  And yet it comes around again anyway at some point in the future.  She does rage, (she hasn't for more than three years) and that is why at this stage of our relationship I feel she knows I mean it and she doesn't have to be careful anymore about how she treats me.  For this reason I do feel firm that she should not come back to live with me.  But I also feel guilt about this. My aging is the reason I feel I need to stay firm; there is the risk of abuse in the future if I don't.  My biggest concern for now is that she will have a health crisis around the 5th of the month and tell me she hasn't found a way to pay her rent.  I feel I'm ready for that but it's still hard (sleepless nights etc.) because I'm afraid she'll be on the street.  I should have stopped paying the rent a year ago when it first came up but at the time she promised to pay me back through the inheritance in the next few days, which never happened.  Every month was the same crisis, the same kind of promise.  As I said, if not now, when?

[livednlearned]

The guilt is so hard.

You know that your D can get a job because she has done it before, and it's likely she can do it again. Her skills are limited when it comes to processing fears, so she will likely rage and try to externalize how she's feeling. This is hard, but it's ultimately about her, not you.

Has she been on the street before?

I divorced a man with BPD and understand the sleepless nights. Many of my fears were unfounded -- I learned that when I set boundaries, he was resourceful enough in the face of these boundaries to pull himself together and do things I never thought he was able to do. He never had to when we were together because I was always there protecting him from himself.

I also found, in raising my son, that he didn't respect me until I modeled that for myself. I take care of myself, and he treats me as though my needs and values matter because they do. That's the deal. Deep down, I think he is relieved that I have boundaries and will protect myself, although things can still be difficult as he tries to process his feelings.

[Butterflygirl]

The guilt is so hard.

Oh my goodness can I identify with every word of your post. You are in the right place. The moderators may delete this but I am 66. I am retired and I don't want to be a mother anymore much less the mother of a mentally ill child. My son got sick early. He was diagnosed with a attachment disorder in kindergarten. Guilt is his number one weapon against me and he is not afraid to use it.

What helps me is optimism and acceptance. I am also working on patience. I have to talk to him in SET language instead of yelling at him. Sometimes I resent this, but God put this child in my life and for some reason I am not one of those parents who can put him out there to sink or swim. I always wonder if I am codependent or just a good mother. Either way, when I accept my decision years ago to keep him, and God's decision to give him this disorder, my stomach is not tied in knots and I don't have to take anti-anxiety medication. Also my personal belief system helps. I believe someday I am going to heaven [in the back row] to be with my daughter.

Not to make this about me, but my daughter died from a medication called Humira, and against my will, my son's doctor just put him on it as a last resort. Talk about walking on eggshells.

Welcome, Welcome. Keep reaching out.

[jaya]

Thanks for your thoughts.  My daughter has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis and irisitis; she told me she also was diagnosed with lupus but was not.  Thanks for telling me about Humira!  But I'm quite sure she won't be contacting me for a couple weeks if then.  I've told myself if I get out of her way she and her roommates will figure something out.  It's been too easy for them to turn to me.  So I'm not available now. 

Her past: she seems to be a functioning person; has worked sporadically over the years but never for a long stretch.  She's been married and divorced twice and has a 21 year old son who has worse symptoms than she does so he's now out of the picture (a heartbreak but necessary).  She and her husband bought a ranch and several horses with her dad's inheritance and blew through it in two years.  At that point (5 years ago) her health started to deteriorate (stress) and I started helping financially (big mistake) so all things considered she owes me a huge chunk and I'm the one who has to end this cycle.  Thanks for the words of encouragement.  I too am a woman of faith and prayer and could not have made it through her teenage years otherwise.  The twenties were pretty rough too.

[thefixermom]

Jaya, I feel like I'm looking into my future when I read your posting. I'm 60 and it's been such a journey already.  I can appreciate your decision to subsidize your DD's rent so that you can live by yourself. That thought has crossed my mind, too, as a potential plan for the future, but I know that if I were to give her a limit she would just let it expire and think that I would either keep paying or have her move in with me. And of course there would be a crisis accompanying it along with the tired oft repeated phrase: "A normal mother would do this for their daughter."  

Do you sometimes wonder if our thinking is along the catastrophic lines?  I get such vivid imaginations of things going very wrong for my DD and without me being there to help, she could die or end up hating me and estranging herself for the rest of her life.  I do believe without a doubt I have literally saved her life (from her short-sighted decisions that put her directly into harm's way) several times but she has made it clear that no matter what I do or have done, there is no hope for a normal, relaxed and happy life together.  I will always be the "psycho mom" that she has to wall herself up from when she's around me. And since in her mind I owe her for so much, it will always be difficult to get her to carry her own load.  I don't want to be existing like this in another 10 years and am bracing myself for the time in the future when she is in emergency mode again and calls on me with tears and pleading, laced with a threat of never seeing me again should I not make the decision a "normal mom" would not hesitate to make... .namely, let her move back, or pay some large sum of money for something. I want to be the "normal mom" who says, "Honey, that sounds like a terrible circumstance you are in. How did it happen? Oh, I see.  You are  smart young woman. I know you will figure this out. Call me if you need feedback to your plan or just to vent about it.  I love you and I'm here for you," and have her understand that at this age a "normal mom" is here for emotional support and wisdom,  not for rescuing time after time and robbing her of her ability to dig down deep and grow from this experience.

Butterflygirl, I'm so very sorry, profoundly so, at the losses you have suffered, the death of your daughter and the ongoing illness of your son.  I can understand your choice to keep him.  I wish you the patience and optimism you need.

It was reading livednlearned's response that got me to thinking about catastrophic thinking.  I wonder if our sons and daughters want those thoughts to be first and foremost in our minds to keep us in emergency rescue mode.  I'm thinking that my daughter *will* find a way to succeed if I step aside and let her try.  She just might have to work at a job that doesn't fit her fantasy right now, something we all have done growing up.  

[Butterflygirl]

So I'm not available now

.

I have been saying this but not feeling it. My codependency kicks in. So I am going to stand with you on this. Dear Son: I am not available now. Whether it be three minutes or three years, it is ok to remove myself from his trials and tribulations whatever they be. So thanks for the inspiration.

Butterflygirl

[Butterflygirl]

I'm 60

I am 70

I am 66

We need our own thread. Senior Citizens Who Choose to Stand by Our Children. Just kidding of course. Whatever our family situation we are all in this together. I wish I could post pictures. They inspire me. Que Sera, Sera

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

Jaya

From what you have said, your adult daughter has medical insurance and food stamps, but she was denied disability for her medical conditions.

She has supported herself in  the past, and she and her ex-husband blew through the inheritance her father left her in 2 years by buying horses and a ranch.  I assume they are now divorced.   

Did your dd receive any type of settlement for the ranch, property, and animals or did they file bankruptcy and/or go into foreclosure?

You are not obligated to pay your dd's bills. She is a grown woman, and over the years you have done all you can to help.  What has she done?  If she has a medical crisis around the time her rent is due, she has health insurance. Let her figure it out.  She needs to work out a financial arrangement with her roommates... .not you.

You are not being selfish or cruel by telling your dd you are done supporting her, and you have every right to be concerned about your own future.  Stand firm and she will find a way to help herself.

If you need to move to a gated community for seniors, to keep her out of your home, do it.  Your fears about future abuse may be well-founded.

Be candid with your attorney.  I am sure he/she will be able to make estate planning recommendations that will work for your situation. 

Do not give up and do not give in.

[jaya]

Thank you all for your insights and feedback.  I am getting lots of reinforcement of what I know to be true, so will keep coming back.  Meantime please know how much it means to me to realize I'm not alone in this.  Butterflygirl and Fixermom, please know I'm with you on the boundaries issues.  They know how to push the buttons.  When I accepted only recently that my daughter sees things differently and never will see it my way, I realized my own boundaries, set by me, has to be the key.  I've done it twice before:  When she was raising her small son who's 21 now she threatened that I would never see him again etc.  I told her to do what she felt she needed to do.  When she realized that wasn't working she changed her tune.  After they lost the ranch and horses and had to pay huge taxes etc. her health got worse so I brought her home and started helping with medical issues.  Then after a few months she got better and when I gave her a deadline three years ago to find another place to live, because she was ignoring my house rules, she knew I meant it and she moved out.  It's been emotional turmoil but we do have to hold our ground.  If we give in after all that it will get worse.  So thank you to MammaMia for giving me a reality check about what resources she does have and how she can use them.  I'm very thankful too that she has roommates she gets along with and who are helping her.

[Butterflygirl]

It is easy to say this when I am feeling great, but it is true. You are not alone and we love you. Problems come and go. This board, and God, are a permanent source of support. Sometimes the littlest things cheers us up. I am just now coming out of a really negative place. As I confessed in my thread I was fantasizing, to put it nicely, that I had not chosen to be a parent. When my pregnancy was announced the first thing the doctor said was, ":)o you want to keep it." What kind of doctor says that. But little did I know what a major decision I was making. Being a teenage, unwed mother, was harder than I thought. But I believe all of this was meant to be and when I accept this with a joyful heart I feel so much better. So I just wanted to say hang in there and keep us posted. Acceptance and Optimism. This is my mantra. A clear cut solution to all my problems because these attitudes, when I can pull them off, displace all the pain about daily problems. Namaste

[madmom]

Jaya, I am impressed that you are growing your confidence to do what is hard and hold on to the boundaries you know you much enforce.  I hope things work out for your daughter.  Sometimes, we have to be willing to watch them fail, in order to give them the opportunity to fly!  I am thinking about you.

[MammaMia]

Madmom

I agree completely.  Life must have consequences.

[kelti1972]

Hi Jaya:

I posted something but I guess it didn't go through.  I will try again.  Welcome and I hear you and your not alone.  I am going to be 65 and am tired, tired and tired.  I have raised seven kids and now our pwBPD is 27 and feel in many ways am still raising kids.  He was kicked out about four months ago and we feel it made an impact on him.  He got a therapist, got assessed and is going to therapy weekly and going to do DBT.  He is back home with boundaries in place and has got a part-time job, supposedly is going to pay us rent.

Anyway I hope there will be more progress then set-backs, but you  never know.  I try to live one day at a time too and get out of the way so he can figure things out too.  He has health problems too.  I fear, at times, for another break-down or crises or suicide experience.  I cannot live that way so I try to use all the information and support that I reach out to get, to get me through the day and take care of myself.

Hope you find support and help too!  Welcome again Kelti

[Butterflygirl]

He was kicked out about four months ago and we feel it made an impact on him.

I commend you and I pray I can do the same. I know, intellectually, this is the only way to get my son to change. I lack the courage and hate myself for it. I was a runaway as a teenager. I suffered so much trauma that I now suffer from PTSD. So I project this on to the situation and become to frightened to do the one thing that will actually work. But my therapist told me that I underestimate my son and that he is very resourceful. I know he is right. So I am not in denial, I am stuck. I keep trying to change him with advice when we know action speaks louder than words. But I am here to find my voice and role models like you are really helpful. Namaste