ex asking for more parenting time as revenge/leverage

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So my ex (we've been divorced 1.5 years) has been asking to get back together and take trips together. He's uBPD and also (I heard) bipolar (high functioning). I worry when he has the kids, but it's just every other weekend, and usually his parents are there.

After I've avoided his attempts to get together and his requests to take a trip with me, he sent me a lawyer letter full of allegations. I ignored it.

So today he sent me an email saying he's going to ask for a dinner once a week with the kids.

Wouldn't normally be a big deal, but he will just use this to harass me, scare me, or just interfere with the kids' consistency. On the other hand, it'd give me a bit of a break. And he'd likely stay in town. It just makes me a little nervous.

I might ask for a lot in exchange. Like, if he misses it without enough notice, he loses the privilege. Maybe he has to get a psych exam first? There are a bunch of things I want right now anyway - increase visits to our parent coordinator while we do this, and he has to pay (for a change), etc.

Come to think about it, this request might be a good thing because if a therapist is more closely involved with us, that's not so bad. However, I dont' want to give in and allow a slippery slope. Maybe I'd say, see how things go and in 6 months we'll go to one dinner a month. The kids are getting older anyway.

Yes, as I write this I realize there may be ways to do this in a way that's gradual and specific. I think I'm taking my own advice, which is to be as specific as possible - good advice for others when working out any visitation agreement here.

In the meantime, he is just saying this by email right not and not via lawyer, so it would take a while.

I am wondering, though, if judges take requests for more parenting time seriously if it's clear that it's part of a timeline in which the person was trying to get back together with you and such. This is the first time he has mentioned such a request - kind of a coincidence that it comes now.

[momtara]

So my ex (we've been divorced 1.5 years) has been asking to get back together and take trips together. He's uBPD and also (I heard) bipolar (high functioning). I worry when he has the kids, but it's just every other weekend, and usually his parents are there.

After I've avoided his attempts to get together and his requests to take a trip with me, he sent me a lawyer letter full of allegations. I ignored it.

So today he sent me an email saying he's going to ask for a dinner once a week with the kids.

Wouldn't normally be a big deal, but he will just use this to harass me, scare me, or just interfere with the kids' consistency. On the other hand, it'd give me a bit of a break. And he'd likely stay in town. It just makes me a little nervous.

I might ask for a lot in exchange. Like, if he misses it without enough notice, he loses the privilege. Maybe he has to get a psych exam first? There are a bunch of things I want right now anyway - increase visits to our parent coordinator while we do this, and he has to pay (for a change), etc.

Come to think about it, this request might be a good thing because if a therapist is more closely involved with us, that's not so bad. However, I dont' want to give in and allow a slippery slope. Maybe I'd say, see how things go and in 6 months we'll go to one dinner a month. The kids are getting older anyway.

Yes, as I write this I realize there may be ways to do this in a way that's gradual and specific. I think I'm taking my own advice, which is to be as specific as possible - good advice for others when working out any visitation agreement here.

In the meantime, he is just saying this by email right not and not via lawyer, so it would take a while.

I am wondering, though, if judges take requests for more parenting time seriously if it's clear that it's part of a timeline in which the person was trying to get back together with you and such. This is the first time he has mentioned such a request - kind of a coincidence that it comes now.

[livednlearned]

Hi momtara,

Are you still wanting to ask the court for supervised visitation?

[momtara]

Of course I'd be more comfortable that way. It seems like my ex himself is happier when his parents are around to help.

I need a reason to request it though. He seems to be getting slightly worse, in terms of arguing with me, not showing up for visitation on time, etc.  

If we were in the midst of a court battle I'd worry more about what could happen, of course, because he would be completely on edge.

I am kind of just tired of the low-level harassment and worrying about whether his mental illness is getting better or worse. It really is hard to handle with little kids. He gets better for a while and I get lulled into false security and then he starts asking to get back together and stuff and I have to say no and it starts him getting triggered all over again. It's like re-abandonment.

I'm less worried about his request right now, after thinking about it. I'm not giving up more parenting time unless he shows stability for an extended period. Really, asking for dinners is not as bad as asking for more overnights or whatever, so I'm not alarmed, but I'm not going to do that until he's more stable. If he wants it, he has to earn it.

I think what alarmed me a bit was that he made this request in conjunction with some other stuff.

I guess I have to consult with our PC when she gets back from vacation.

[scraps66]

My ex pushes the limits all the time asking/suggesting that I give up my parenting time.  This is, I guess, to be expected. For me it is difficult at times to recognize when I need a break, when I can use time off, and balance that against the fact that, I know, less time with her is better for these kids.  Especially if you feel yourself slipping away from a child which I do have that feeling. 

It is all in the game of interference and there are many ways that it's done.  Heck, my ex would feed my S10 Chips Ahoy just before I pick him up at 5.  Then he wouldn't want to eat dinner.  I tell her this and her response, "maybe he doesn't like you're cooking." 

[momtara]

I know! That's the thing. We *do* have a need for a break. I wish he could be more consistent and he'd get more time. It is hard to balance all these things.

My T encouraged me recently to give in when my ex asked me to have one of the kids an extra day. The ex was acting normal, the parents would be around, and I could definitely use that break. But there's also the issue of boundaries and setting a precedent.

I did it that one time and it worked out ok. (I knew just taking one kid for an extra day would be less stress on him, and his parents were there.) So hard to figure this out all the time!

[scraps66]

Our most recent coparent counselor plead with me to do more "giving in" with ex.  This counselor was very well qualified to deal with children, but frankly left a lot to be desired when introducing a BP coparent into the mix.  Giving in and letting down boundaries is something that does not come easy to a non and shouldn't for good reason.  A BP will take an inch and then take a mile so at best begin guarded is always necessary.

As far as consistency, I see that BPs are very erratic, not at all consistent.  When it comes to dealing with children consistency is important and that is a big difficulty in dealing with split custody with ne party being a BP nut job.   

[momtara]

Yes. These parent coordinators need to be more sensitive to mental illness. They've seen so much of the system that they get inured.

I think family courts work on the statistics saying nothing bad usually happens when with the disordered parent. I say, why take a chance if you don't have to? Limit it when you can.

He is now saying he's going to take the kids a day early tomorrow.  Well, I could use the day to myself! But he didn't ask in advance or discuss, just said he's coming to get them tomorrow. So I said that's not in the plan. Can't just let him arbitrarily decide such things. He may show up. I plan not to be home. It's a shame it has to be that way. I could, I guess, theoretically call the cops if he shows up unwanted. I don't know if I want to rachet things up by threatening that. (He had asked a few days ago to come hang out with me and the kids in the park that day, and I said no, so now he's doing this.)