BPD gives S/T, and he/she is unfaithful during that time

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was very clearly told by my bfBPD that since I "put pressure on him" after year and a half of dating, both of us said we loved each other and I ASKED ABOUT GETTING MARRIED, and that led him to say he will never get married to me or anyone. Last thing he said was "I need time" and I said that was the least I could do because he had such a painful divorce (it led to a psych admission for depression/suicidal ideations) back in 2009, that he is terrified of someone leaving him again, he is 240 lb guy, who was sleeping in a closet, it was bad, so of course I felt bad asking about marriage yet knowing what his trauma is, so when he asked for time, I grated it without any text, emails, calls or visits.

Here is where I need support from you all, last night I went by his home after midnight and someone was over spending the night.

What in the world?

Has this happened to any of you or similar? Im heartbroken, crushed and in total shock right now. I didn't sleep either

[willemina]

I was very clearly told by my bfBPD that since I "put pressure on him" after year and a half of dating, both of us said we loved each other and I ASKED ABOUT GETTING MARRIED, and that led him to say he will never get married to me or anyone. Last thing he said was "I need time" and I said that was the least I could do because he had such a painful divorce (it led to a psych admission for depression/suicidal ideations) back in 2009, that he is terrified of someone leaving him again, he is 240 lb guy, who was sleeping in a closet, it was bad, so of course I felt bad asking about marriage yet knowing what his trauma is, so when he asked for time, I grated it without any text, emails, calls or visits.

Here is where I need support from you all, last night I went by his home after midnight and someone was over spending the night.

What in the world?

Has this happened to any of you or similar? Im heartbroken, crushed and in total shock right now. I didn't sleep either

[fromheeltoheal]

Has this happened to any of you or similar?

Oh yes, it's very common around here.  I'm sorry you're experiencing that right now, it is very painful and I can relate fully.

I don't know about your bf but borderlines in general lie a lot, mine was pathological about it, so it's best to trust the behaviors and not the words.  He could have told you he needed time for a number of reasons that we can get into when you're ready, but trust the fact that he was not alone last night as the truth.  That is bound to stir up a lot of confusion for you, you mention you didn't sleep, and the best thing you can do as you navigate this is to take as good care of yourself as you can, eat, drink water, try and sleep, and read a lot here and post what's up with you.  We do understand what it's like.

[willemina]

Has this happened to anyone or similar?

[willemina]

fromheeltoheal, I am ready for what you have, please share

[fromheeltoheal]

fromheeltoheal, I am ready for what you have, please share

OK, borderlines don't have a fully formed 'self' of their own, hard to get your head around at first, but because of that the goal becomes attaching to someone else to 'complete' themselves in an unhealthy fusing of psyches way, to create one person out of two in a sense, a reenactment of what created the disorder to begin with.  So once that attachment is established it's unstable, the other person may leave, and then what?  So there's constant fear of abandonment.  And also, since there isn't a 'self', an autonomous individual in there, a borderline also fears getting too close to someone and losing themselves in that other person, engulfed as it's termed, so the fear of engulfment and fear of abandonment, two opposing fears, fight each other and cause the push/pull behavior.  And none of that is conscious awareness for a borderline, it's hardwired into their personality and just shows up as feelings, and the closer someone gets the more intense the feelings, without a way to regulate them or soothe them, so all the other behaviors show up, as attempts to self soothe.

So what does all this have to do with your bf?  The thought of marriage could mean closer to engulfment for him and he already went through that once, sounds like it left him lying in a closet with intense feelings he couldn't manage, so the fear of going there again is understandable.  And another trait of the disorder is impulsive behavior, who knows what he's up to with his house guest, but that could have been a response to fear of abandonment, fear you would leave because he won't get married, so time to establish an attachment to quell that fear of abandonment, another response to feelings he can't manage.

So feelings that are running him, not the other way around, an unstable sense of self, and therefore no stable sense of self to come to you consistently, openly and honestly with, so lie instead, it's the only option.

That's just my hallucination, seeing what you've told us through the borderline lens, maybe some of it fits?  How are you doing after your rough night?

[willemina]

fromhealtoheel,

You get a special blessing for taking time to support us here, we need it.

I have been working all day non-stop, so I am productive.

I do feel silly now though, because while he does have the fear and abandonment terrors, I after all do not believe a woman was at his house last night after all.

On my lunch hour, I visited his parents, they love me and they wished he would not have gone N/C, but they said he got a used vehicle and that is what that was at the house. He has a work truck all the time, so I feel like a heal.

His dad just told me his two (close like sisters, older female cousins were all over to the parents house on Saturday cleaning the garage and the cousins asked him where I was 'my name is Cheryl' and he said we are not together and they both told him he should not have let me go because I seem to be very good for him and they liked me around. He has a lot of family and I just have my son. I had tears streaming down my face because of how many people care that I'm not around and he has BPD traits so he does not live in our reality. He sees things differently even though he has a high IQ, apparently that is not helping in the love of those who love you area of his brain, because of the fear of abandonment being so intense.

I will sleep good tonight and take a walk later 

[fromheeltoheal]

I do feel silly now though, because while he does have the fear and abandonment terrors, I after all do not believe a woman was at his house last night after all.

And here's an opportunity to check in and see where you are with your detachment; maybe if you were all the way detached you might find out he was with a woman and have no emotional reaction, just maybe a mild curiosity as to how well she's dealing with him?

On my lunch hour, I visited his parents, they love me and they wished he would not have gone N/C, but they said he got a used vehicle and that is what that was at the house. He has a work truck all the time, so I feel like a heal.

No, you feel like a heel.  Freudian slip, you must be healing!