What are some of your favourite red flags?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was talking about my crazy ex with some friends over some delicious brews and were laughing ('cause she is out of my life! Yes!) at all the red flags.

Here are some of my favourites:



Said she loved me after 2 months of not talking to me

Said that we are soulmates after half a month later

Liked all my Instagram pictures from 147 weeks ago

Liked everything I posted on social media immediately

Stared at her What's App screen to see when I came 'online' then message me immediately saying, "You're online! Are you thinking of me?"

Constant push and pull. One minute we are having tons of fun then we are fighting in a parking lot about god knows what. Happened so many times.

Not too long ago she cried for an hour outside the bar where my best friends was having his birthday. I went inside and she text bombed me stuff like, "having a crying party for one" and "I can't drive, I am too sad."

Constantly complaining about pains, there is always something. Her head hurt, pelvic hurt, stomach hurt, chest hurts. It was unreal.

Would get hurt and call me immediately saying, "you are the first person I thought of to call cause I got hit by a car while riding my bike." Thinking back, this might have been a lie, she lived in France at the time.

Constantly complained about how terrible her father and sister are.

Threatened to bash her head into my herself when I told her that we should maybe not talk for a while and that I want to see other people and move on.


There are SO much more.

[Sosoconfused]

I was talking about my crazy ex with some friends over some delicious brews and were laughing ('cause she is out of my life! Yes!) at all the red flags.

Here are some of my favourites:



Said she loved me after 2 months of not talking to me

Said that we are soulmates after half a month later

Liked all my Instagram pictures from 147 weeks ago

Liked everything I posted on social media immediately

Stared at her What's App screen to see when I came 'online' then message me immediately saying, "You're online! Are you thinking of me?"

Constant push and pull. One minute we are having tons of fun then we are fighting in a parking lot about god knows what. Happened so many times.

Not too long ago she cried for an hour outside the bar where my best friends was having his birthday. I went inside and she text bombed me stuff like, "having a crying party for one" and "I can't drive, I am too sad."

Constantly complaining about pains, there is always something. Her head hurt, pelvic hurt, stomach hurt, chest hurts. It was unreal.

Would get hurt and call me immediately saying, "you are the first person I thought of to call cause I got hit by a car while riding my bike." Thinking back, this might have been a lie, she lived in France at the time.

Constantly complained about how terrible her father and sister are.

Threatened to bash her head into my herself when I told her that we should maybe not talk for a while and that I want to see other people and move on.


There are SO much more.

[SummerStorm]

Here are mine... .

-Tried to get me to move in with her after we were friends for two months.

-Tried to get her boyfriend to move in with her after they had been dating for a month.

-Moved five different times in a year.

-Called me her best friend before we had even hung out once.

-Canceled the first plans we ever made to hang out.

-Used to e-mail me before every assembly to ask me to sit with her and before the end of the day every day to ask me to visit her in her classroom. 

-Told me one of her exes just packed up and left her one day.

-For a 22 year old, had lived with may too many exes already.  Who moves in with someone that quickly?   

-While in between substitute positions, texted me after reading a faculty meeting agenda to tell me that the presenter at the meeting, a local police officer, had an affair with her a few years ago. 

-Seemed to always be sick, especially when she had plans with someone.

-Would complain about being drunk after drinking two bottles of beer that were 5% alcohol, over a three hour period. 

-Would complain about still being hungover days after she had been drinking.

-Said she was hungover after drinking one beer the previous night.

-Had sex with me five days after saying she's in love with her boyfrend.

[Sosoconfused]

Threatened to bash her head into my herself when I told her that we should maybe not talk for a while and that I want to see other people and move on.

Typo!

Threatened to bash her head into my  my door frame when I told her that we should maybe not talk for a while and that I want to see other people and move on.

[Sosoconfused]

-Tried to get me to move in with her after we were friends for two months.

-Moved five different times in a year.

-Called me her best friend before we had even hung out once.

This is all too familiar. Mine called me her best friend after three dates. Also, she boasted about living in 30 different places since she got out of high school.

[SummerStorm]

-Tried to get me to move in with her after we were friends for two months.

-Moved five different times in a year.

-Called me her best friend before we had even hung out once.

This is all too familiar. Mine called me her best friend after three dates. Also, she boasted about living in 30 different places since she got out of high school.

When I was still caring about her, I used to feel so bad because her mom lives eight hours away and is soon moving across the country, but now I think, "No wonder.  She doesn't want to deal with this, either." I also felt bad when her mom and stepdad came and visited her once in the hospital after she attempted suicide and then went back home right away.  I'm sure they were thinking, "Oh, great.  Here we go again."

[Agent_of_Chaos]

When I met her she had just moved out of her mom's house into a place she couldn't afford.

She was sleeping on an air mattress.

She had no food in her house so I offered to take her grocery shopping as it broke my heart. Upon leaving the store she had 1 frozen meal and the rest were basically drinks.

She would flip flop between her likes and dislikes.

She was on meds for depression so I thought her mood was tied into that. She never got a medical review, just refills.

The only friends she seldom ly kept in touch with lived out of state.

Her relationship with family members were non existent but she pushed them all away.

The list goes on and on.

[Trog]

Im seeing a girl right now who brought a self stick on our first date and sends me at least 2 photos of herself a day.  x1000

It is so so so offputting. I told her it was offputting. She thinks I'm joking. Ending it this week.

[Hidden]

-Always complained to me about his friends behind their backs, while acting all civil to them.

-Would use friends to contact people that had stopped talking to him.

-Would drive to a person's house and bang at the door after said person told him to never call again.

-Too many times talking about how "everybody leaves me".

-He'd "test" friendships by being terrible to friends, to see if the friends "can handle me at my worst".

-I had to be quiet about hanging out with anyone else, because he'd turn very passive aggressive and dramatic about me being tired of him and wanting new friends. This is before we had any fights about it.

-Would be proud of his possessiveness toward me. It was according to him proof of how much he liked me.

-Would get into dramatics and guilt-trips every time it took me more than twenty minutes to respond to messages.

[UserName69]

- Told me she dumped her bf while later she claimed that he just left her for no reason, later she told me she dumped him to be with me.

- Telling all her friends about me, I never witnessed that but still it's embarrassing when your gf talks the entire day about you.

- Push pull behavior. Drove me crazy and it always left me confused. You see you can pull/stretch a rubber band to a max if you go over the max it will snap and hurt the person who pulled it (my exBPD in this case).

- Trying to make me jealous why she new that I never was jealous in my entire life about anything.

- Tells me she has no friends because no one likes her.

- Kept everything from her previous relationships like a trophy, why would anyone even do that?

There are tons of things I can write down now but it's just too much.

[ppb2la]

- Said he loved me the FIRST DAY WE MET

- Said he could marry a woman like me on that same day

- Over a period of 5 months breaking up with me for crazy reasons which were ALL red flags  but I chose to ignore them. For example:

- Breaking up with me because I had lit a candle in my living room without asking his permission

-Breaking up with me because I didn't get a Google map of where he wanted to go up quickly enough on my phone

-Breaking up with me because I had texted him on a Sunday to double check that I was purchasing the right brand of coffee

and I could go on.

[Tay25]

My all time favorite was when she would blame me or get upset over something that makes no sense whatsoever like making up something i did/said or twisting things around to how she perceieves them.

[Yolanda123]

The very first few  that come to mind: (We met at work)

- In his very first e-mail he sent me to ask if we could meet outside of work, he used the word Jealous

- He was actually very insecure and jealous from the very beginning

- He told me on our first date that he'd been 'watching' me for a few months, meaning he used to Watch me leave work, 'observing' me, etc...

- He told me a week into the Relationship that he could not wait to tell me he loved me (!)

- He lost his job 2 weeks into the r/s – nothing was his fault, nobody had given him the resources/help he needed

- Actually told me he loved me probably 3 weeks into the r/s

- Talked about me being his soulmate and talked about marriage very early (a few weeks into the r/s) - used to cry a lot when saying those things (I thought he was so sensitive and demonstrative)

- In the first 7-8 months of the Relationship, he worshipped me - I could do or say nothing wrong, I was perfect

- He used to finish a lot of my sentences, but nothing was ever actually even close to what I was gonna say (it was often very negative and I realize now it was all projection)

- In the first few months, he had a few very childish tantrums for totally banal and random reasons

And the list could go on... .

[Aussie0zborn]

-Breaking up with me because I didn't get a Google map of where he wanted to go up quickly enough on my phone

I'm sorry but that's the funniest thing I've read here and I don't doubt it for one minute.

The red flags I ignored or didn't recognize at the time were :

- telling me she loved me after 5 weeks. Now she says that I said it and that I proposed marriage at that time.

- telling all her friends about how wonderful I was. Now she does the opposite and tells police I am "the most evil man" she have ever known.

- wasn't much of a drinker in the beginning but then became a wine whore... .saying "I didn't drink in the beginning because I saw you were not a drinker but now I feel safe to drink because I know you will look after me". How did she know that? Was it the "sucker" sign I was wearing on my forehead?

- told me way too much about her past.

- way too many boyfriends.

- both ex husbands were violent and abusive towards her. She broke second husband's nose twice. That guy apparently stabbed her - she has a defensive knife scar in her hand. Years later I find out the knife was in her hand.

- the triangulation.

- the guys she lured and kept hovering around.

- walking in on her Skype video call with a guy in England she found on the internet.

- punching me in the face numerous times.

- bashing her daughter when the girl was taking a shower. In stopping that assault I unwittingly saw that then 12 year old girl naked, something that was highly inappropriate.

- punching her then 11 year old son in the face for "bullying" her. Let's face it, every boy wants the new Playstation game - I don't see how asking for it at the shops is "bullying". 

- stealing and hiding my check book with a view to forging my signature. Telling her enabler friend she was "thinking of taking it" when she had already taken it and her friend encouraged her to do it saying it "he won't even notice". ( I have this in writing ).

I could go on ofcourse.

[Trog]

My all time favorite was when she would blame me or get upset over something that makes no sense whatsoever like making up something i did/said or twisting things around to how she perceieves them.

I spent nights on the sofa for things ive never done or said. The best ones were things I'd done 5 years ago brought up in completely unrelated contexts.

I later read that because feelings = reality - she simply felt the same feeling as felt 5 years ago, even if the events were unrelated or even if it wasn't me that triggered the feeling!

Good lord! What a pain in the a$$ - lmao

[willemina]

What Trog wrote really jumped out at me, there were a lot of  , in the middle and end of the 1 1/2 relationship.

His divorce was in 2009. He said there was NO RESON to divorce and that it could have been fixed (she left for another guy). Her little girls tell me she is mean. His parents and family say she is mean and money hungry. on and on bad stuff about her.

I am kind, compassionate, reliable, Christian and very stable and he says Im a good mom. Anyway this disorder is so cruel to the person in the relationship like me because even tho those are my qualities SOMEHOW and I still can't believe this- He actually told me "You are like her, you make me feel like she made me feel"

he saw NO difference in the pain, and I admit my faults and to everyone I have shared them with all say "Those are petty" like... .I miss his phone calls- he is saying things like "never mind" and "what ever" on texts.

Or if I'm late to breakfast by even one minute its a huge failure on my part.

or if I forget he told me his favorite rock band, its "you don't pay attention to me, you don't care"

How can he see me like her? He can actually project her persona (6 years since it ended) on to me. He offers NO GRACE. I just don't get it.

[Alabama1979]

WOW…I have a bunch as well. 7 months relationship

-   Obsessively stalking at my linkedin profile at the beginning of the relationship

-   HE told me I was his first serious girlfriend (probably, being such a freak). Many one night stands, tough. I felt bad for him, looked like very cute- again the victim playing.

-   Whatsapp all the time….it was creepy

-   Bought me diamond earrings at something like 5th date…ok the guy had a great job but still too much, red flags for all my friends! But of course I didn’t listen to them 

-   3000 dollars in gifts for Christmas when we started dating in October

-   Buying Cirque du Soleil tickets in november for may because he was so sure

-   Drinking all the time but never saw him drunk

-   Buying all the books I was reading in kind of obsessive way

-   He was too much over the moon with me. He did everything I wanted. All the thing thinking about making me happy and looking for ways to make me happy

-   He liked everything about me, I was soo special, was so in love with me, the relationship was so mature…at 3 months dating

-   He wanted to move to Australia or US with me, even making interviews.

-   Obsessively planning all our trips, with schedules and everything, I didn’t even read those emails…2 months into the relationship

-   Want to move in together and have a baby, stop using protection. 5 months

-   15000 $ engagement ring at 6 months, and telling me he was thinking about it since Jan- a bit too much for breaking up 3 weeks later and changing locks because he was terrified of me.

-   Reckless driving, no points in his licence, had to buy them over internet

WOW, I read all of this now and seems like a nightmare

[Pretty Woman]

Well I don't know if ANY    are my FAVORITE.


She told me her entire romantic/sexual history within a week of knowing her. It included:

-She was in a poly relationship with a man and woman (husband and wife). The couple split and she stayed with the husband for awhile.

- Was married to a man for a year. He tried to kill himself (wonder why)? To this day she calls him a loser.

-She was a dominatrix.

-Her father used to send her $500 a week and she used it on drugs.

-She got pregnant by a married man... .broke up his marriage and gave the baby up for adoption.

-Cheated on every ex and jumped back and forth between exes (still does years later).

-Gambled all her savings away after losing her job. 40K in debt.

-Cried the first time she met me because she thought she'd never see me again (object consistancy). I did not know what that was at the time, nor what BPD was.


Yeah, I don't think any of these flags are my favorite. I wish I had chose to heed them. I had no idea what a rollercoaster I was in for.

Oh yeah... .and our relationship was incredibly fast. We slept together the first date and were planning matching tattoos by the end of month 1.

PW

[NonBPDEx]

She said "if you love me, you will have a vasectomy".

This was a month into the relationship... .

[.cup.car]

#1 - The "daddy hits me" stories

#2 - Crying on the phone

#3 - Crying on Facebook

#4 - Tons of people calling her a slut/whore on Facebook, with specific examples

#5 - Vivid dreams about me

#6 - Being asked to proofread angry emails to her parents

#7 - Extensive knowledge of my photo albums on Facebook

#8 - Complaining about an excessive number of guys hitting on her on Facebook

#9 - Multiple Facebook accounts, all actively maintained

#10 - Calling me "daddy" in bed

#11 - Forgetting my name in bed

#12 - Crying when her satellite radio app lagged out

#13 - Radical chest size changes

#14 - Eating disorder

#15 - Oppositional Defiant Disorder

#16 - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

#17 - Knew what my room looked like, hadn't been over to my house yet

#18 - "I've been arrested four times in a month"

#19 - Thought Kill Em All is Metallica's best album

#20 - Identifies as a lesbian.

Ill stop there.

[acidQ]

My "favorite" must have been how she told being in therapy when she was a child. And even admitting how therapist said she has a serious personality disorder. Of course, parents and therapists were totally wrong. I don't know if I should laugh or cry because even that "serious personality disorder" part didn't bother me at all.

[Hidden]

-She was a dominatrix.

Is being into BDSM a red flag for BPD?

#19 - Thought Kill Em All is Metallica's best album

I chuckled.