I am so confused. He keeps getting triggered lately over nothing

[Shottsy85]

I am feeling so bewildered and confused. My boyfriend gives me these cryptic pieces of information, and then when I try to get him to elaborate he flipped out and told me to stop lecturing him going so far as to actually leave the house and try to start his motorcycle to leave without explaining why or where he is going.

He came home from an appointment he was going to start a special kind of therapy for PTSD. I asked him how it went he seemed in a normal calm enough mood. He said it went ok. I said good. Then he said that he isn't going to be going, but he an always pick it up later, but he felt that he didn't need it right now. I asked him how he came to that conclusion or what was said that he felt maybe it wasn't right right now because last I heard he was excited to start it and felt that his current therapist wasn't very good, since he knows nothing about BPD or anything and he was trying to get into something more helpful this therapy being one of the things he was going to start.

He got defensive and snappy telling me that he already explained that, (of course he hadn't and I am still confused, and told him as much.) I told him that I just dont understand why he felt it wasn't helpful and if he could just explain why he isn't going. Then he got aggressive and told me to stop talking and that this is why he doesn't tell me things, and I tried to calm him down and said, I'm not mad I am just trying to understand and I am confused, and he closed his computer he was going to check his emails with, and storms off. I followed him to the garage, to ask him to please come back inside and he got more angry with me.

I still feel so confused, and lately when he switches like this I feel myself jumping to wanting to just be done but I do love him, and we have been together for 8 years, but I am just not sure how much more I can handle. He seemed fine one minute and I am or was holding on for him to get therapy, he has started DBT but I am worried he is not taking it seriously or actively applying it as I haven't really noticed any change yet. He is mainly using it to help him at work, and isn't even addressing the problems in our relationship.

He has now just ridden off without saying anything to me, which was a boundary that was established LONG ago that he would not just leave without telling me he would be back, or acknowledging something. I am just feeling so bewildered and confused.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this.    I can totally identify with how frustrating this is for you.

I've had very similar interactions with my husband. I ask questions because I want to understand, but he takes it as "being grilled."

I don't want to draw incorrect conclusions, so I ask, but he says he feels like I put him "under the microscope."

For someone, like me, who needs evidence, facts, figures, information, it is terribly frustrating to have the conversation severed like that. But I realize that my questions trigger emotions in him that are hard to manage and that's why he responds the way he does.

Lately I just take the lead from him and if he doesn't want to elaborate, I don't press the issue. For me, part of it was letting go of my codependence and needing to know.

[Oooohm]

Lately I just take the lead from him and if he doesn't want to elaborate, I don't press the issue. For me, part of it was letting go of my codependence and needing to know.

This is good advice.

He has now just ridden off without saying anything to me, which was a boundary that was established LONG ago that he would not just leave without telling me he would be back, or acknowledging something.

This is not a boundary... .it is a rule you have established that he has to follow because it "upsets" you.

A boundary is what you establish in your mind for your emotional and physical protection... .a "Limit" as to what you are willing to endure from him in a given situation... .Not really meant to be discussed with him "Before hand"... .simply enforced in the moment... .

Anybody want to elaborate?

[Shottsy85]

Lately I just take the lead from him and if he doesn't want to elaborate, I don't press the issue. For me, part of it was letting go of my codependence and needing to know.

This is good advice.

He has now just ridden off without saying anything to me, which was a boundary that was established LONG ago that he would not just leave without telling me he would be back, or acknowledging something.

This is not a boundary... .it is a rule you have established that he has to follow because it "upsets" you.

A boundary is what you establish in your mind for your emotional and physical protection... .a "Limit" as to what you are willing to endure from him in a given situation... .Not really meant to be discussed with him "Before hand"... .simply enforced in the moment... .

Anybody want to elaborate?

I would like to better understand this. perhaps I am unclear on the difference. What would be useful instead to address this? I don't feel respected but I am not sure how to approach it in the moment.

[Cat Familiar]

A boundary is something you do to protect you. Such as you leave the room if he yells at you. It's completely under your control.

A rule is something you try to impose on him. ":)on't leave without telling me you'll be back."

[patientandclear]

... .and it's a lot harder to establish "boundaries" around someone else leaving, than it is things like being raged at, or someone overspending, or acts of commission.  Acts of omission -- going, being gone, staying gone -- are tough ones to have boundaries about.  My ex with BPD is a leaver.  I struggle to find boundaries other than "it's over, don't come back" for leaving-type behaviors.  The thing Shottsy's bothered by -- leaving without an explanation of when he'll return -- is hard to deal with through boundaries.

[hellosun]

In the moment of dysregulation, there isn't a lot you can do. Your questions about his therapy felt invalidating to him, because they challenged his FEELING that he didn't need therapy. He said "this is why I don't tell you stuff." That also indicates he felt invalidated. Quite frankly, my mother, who is a wonderful person but struggles with being controlling, sometimes questions me the way you questioned your husband... .

You wanted to understand, buuuuut you wanted to understand WHY THE HECK he disagrees with YOU about his need for therapy. At least thay's how it sounded to you BF, most likely. (It's hard to interprete tone in text--maybe you were really calm and not anxious, but pwBPD can be so good at sensing confrontation, even when subtle or not there at all .) Since my Mum confronts me that way, I know how that feels. It can feel like my opinion isn't going to be accepted either way, like even if I explain my feelings and position, I will be shut down because Mum knows best.

So yeah, I would suggest being more aware of whether you are comming off in a confrontational manner, and to do your best to be genuinely respectful and accepting of your BF's feelings and decisions about his healthcare. I get that can be difficult to do when he is obviously making poor choices from your perspective, or when he disapoints you by not going through with something you agreed. But you aren't going to get him to see your perspective by invalidating him.

Stalking off without explination is unacceptable, and I would have a chat with him about that. Sure, it isn't a "boundry" you can enforce, but it is absolutely okay to tell him how you feel when he does that, and request that he instead tell you when he is leaving. I do this with my uBPDh. I don't think there is anything wrong with telling other people how you want to be treated, or with standing up for yourself when you feel disrespected.

In his own dysfunxtional, dysregulated way, that is what your BF was trying to do when he felt like you might not respect his feelings about therapy--he just didn't have the stability of emotion or appropriate communication skills to put it into words effectively.

It is good he is working on DBT. Change takes time. But I completely get how frusterating it can be.  I hate it when my uBPDh shuts me out. But I can't force him to open up. When he feels trusting enough, he will.

[an0ught]

Hi Shottsy,

He has now just ridden off without saying anything to me, which was a boundary that was established LONG ago that he would not just leave without telling me he would be back, or acknowledging something. I am just feeling so bewildered and confused.

That is not a boundary but a rule you agreed. And he is breaking the rule either because he is too upset or he wants to demonstrate how upset he is.

I am feeling so bewildered and confused. My boyfriend gives me these cryptic pieces of information, and then when I try to get him to elaborate he flipped out and told me to stop lecturing him going so far as to actually leave the house and try to start his motorcycle to leave without explaining why or where he is going.

He came home from an appointment he was going to start a special kind of therapy for PTSD. I asked him how it went he seemed in a normal calm enough mood. He said it went ok. I said good. Then he said that he isn't going to be going, but he an always pick it up later, but he felt that he didn't need it right now. I asked him how he came to that conclusion or what was said that he felt maybe it wasn't right right now because last I heard he was excited to start it and felt that his current therapist wasn't very good, since he knows nothing about BPD or anything and he was trying to get into something more helpful this therapy being one of the things he was going to start.

As others have pointed out - it is not a good idea to ask questions about the therapy when he is not open to talk. It may be a good idea to tell him "that you respect him being sensitive after T and if he want to discuss anything he should approach you. You are simply happy that he is going. T can be challenging and upsetting at times."

It is quite common that behavior gets erratic at the beginning of therapy - there are plenty of reports on this board. That is a phase that usually passes after some time.

Work on yourself. Work on your skills, primarily communication. Give him space.