Just got into a relationship with someone I believe has BPD

[kingjames]

Hey

I recently got into a relationship with someone that I believe has BPD.  She hasn't told me she does and I'm not even certain if she even knows. She has been to a therapist previously but she based the reasoning for that on a previous relationship she has been in and she said it kind of ruined her life.

She really fits the BPD profile... .

• abused as a child(emotionally and physically)
  
  taking things I say wrong
  
  everything was all about me and how great I was and now its just trying to fight
  
  got really upset that her best friend was going on vacation for 3 weeks(suicidal talk, depression, drinking)
  
  thinks she's ugly, gross and fat and believes that's what I think
  
  gets extremely angry with me over small things
  
  she's always the victim
  
  doesn't receive compliments well
  
  unsafe sex

I'm the type of person that feels the need to take care of someone so I can feel needed and wanted due to my own issues in childhood.  I had previously been in a relationship with someone that had bipolar so I'm not sure if that will help me with my current relationship, but for some reason I just knew when I first started talking to her that I had to walk on eggshells.  I had been talking to alot of other girls when I first started talking with her and I didn't feel the eggshells with any of them.  I chose to get involved with her because we just had so much in common(she wasn't just saying she liked ___ I liked).  I seem to always attract girls with some sort of disorder and I always seem to want to be with them(once again because of my wanting to be needed).

Anyways, I  really like this girl alot when she isn't getting extremely angry with me.  We've only been together for around four weeks now and the first two weeks was the "honeymoon" phase and then it went deep into the really bad BPD episodes.  It started with her saying "you're making me angry " over really small things to just full blown arguments of her wanting to kill herself.

A few days ago, before I realized that she may have BPD, I had broken up with her because she said the sex was bad.  We had only had sex twice and I just haven't been with someone in three years and explained to her I just need some time to get back into the swing of things and she seemed like she really understood and was okay with it.  So when she said that, of course I was insulted, my ego fell and I felt like ___.  I thought about it and I just thought there was no way I could be with this girl and ended it.  She of course flew off the handle and said she knew the sex wasn't great because she knew I thought she was fat, ugly and gross.  This is furthest from the truth.  I always tell her I think she's a beautiful girl and that I think she has a great body and I really do.  I started thinking about when she was giving me a blowjob and she said "I'm really bad at this" and it kind of ruined the moment for me, but I wasn't even thinking anything near that.

So at some point in the argument I said how would you like it if I were to insult your insecurities and I were to say "why don't you lose 5lbs before you came over?" or "why dont you look more pretty when you show up?".  I don't want her to change anything about herself, I just wanted her to look at it from my point of view.  Of course this just made things even worse as she didn't take what I said the way it was meant to be taken, she took it literal.  The rest of the day was her wanting to kill herself, her hating me, how I'm just like every other guy, she'll never be with another guy because of me.  Later in the night I told her I still wanted to be with her and I took the blame for everything and I was sorry.

That night I talked to a friend who has BPD but recognizes she does and makes attempts are controlling it.  She recommended I open up to her about my insecurities.  The next night she was calmed down, we talked and I explained what I said and how I meant for it to be taken by her and she seemed like she understood.  I then expressed to her my biggest insecurity and how it has always bothered me my entire life and ___ed up so much of my life and mentality.  I told her I would never intentionally hurt her because I knew what it was like to be insecure about something and to be made fun of for something since being a child.  At the end I told her I also think I'm fat(neither of us are fat, we were just made fun of for being fat by family and other kids when we were young) and she said she doesn't think that or see that.  I told her we both perceive ourselves differently than we see each other and she replied with and okay whatever response and I left it at that for the night.

I figured it would all sink in and we'd all be good but of course the next day I got messages from her with her calling herself fat and ugly and me telling her she's beautiful and then her still harping on "thats not what you said the other day".

Anyways, thats the background... .I'm looking to find ways to deal with her calling herself fat and ugly.  From what I've read the best way is to divert the conversation away from her saying that.  I've been doing that and it seems to be going well.  I am curious as to if I should continue complimenting her or to just divert though.

Also, I want to know if I should engage in arguments with her or just have a whatever attitude and just kind of ignore it or maybe pick only some fights to get into? I'm not really big on arguing due to my parents arguing all the time when I was young.

I do wanna be with her as stupid as that sounds, but another thing I am worried about is if she's telling her friends that I'm some awful person.  My friend with BPD told me that her friends may not even know she has BPD or BPD traits as she may act a different way around them.  She expects the impossible from me as her boyfriend than with people that are her friend.

I made another mistake when I was talking to her on the day she thought I was saying she was fat.  In my mind she is upset because she thinks she's fat so I offered to go to the gym with her.  We both attend the same brand gym, just in different towns and she took it as once again, me calling her fat and me insinuating she needed to lose weight. When I made the offer I said I want to help her get to a place where she's happy with her body.  I had this feeling I just shouldn't say it just as I had the feeling I shouldn't have said the "what if I said this to you", but of course I just had to because I thought to myself "no, no one could misinterpret this.  

She goes to the gym on her own and tells me.  She says something like "my fat ass is at the gym".  Should I compliment her and say nice job or should I just divert her from calling herself fat?  I feel like complimenting her for going to the gym may give her the wrong idea and she may say something like "I KNEW YOU WANTED ME TO BE AT THE GYM BECAUSE IM FAT" which I obviously want to avoid.  She's been telling me more that she's going to the gym than previously.  I feel like she's seeking my approval that she's going or trying to bait me into saying something she can get angry about.  I feel like a compliment would be the wrong thing to do, but at the same time I feel like that's what she wants.  I feel like if I were to compliment her it would make her happy in some part of her head but angry towards me.

Thanks for reading and any help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Welcome kingjames,

Anyways, thats the background... .I'm looking to find ways to deal with her calling herself fat and ugly.  From what I've read the best way is to divert the conversation away from her saying that.  I've been doing that and it seems to be going well.  I am curious as to if I should continue complimenting her or to just divert though.

Don't! Avoid getting too deep into this discussion you only can loose. Body image problems with women is hard in general and BPD makes it orders worse. You can not fix this - body dysmorphic views go deep. You can only manage situations arising from it.

What can you do?

  - Refuse to engage - walk away from such discussions. Read up on boundaries.

  - Validate. Which means NOT telling her she is beautiful but finding ways to tell her that she is "insecure", "hates her body", "feels overweight" mixed with normalizing statements "many women feel this way." etc... Finding the right way and words is a real balancing act. Read up on validation and make sure you understand how to avoid invalidating her. It is very easy to invalidate as we are trained to tell people they look great, beautiful and gorgeous.

You will need all. Definitely avoid invalidation. Validate. Boundaries if she keeps on harping. Lather, wash, rinse and repeat as needed.

I'm the type of person that feels the need to take care of someone so I can feel needed and wanted due to my own issues in childhood.  I had previously been in a relationship with someone that had bipolar so I'm not sure if that will help me with my current relationship, but for some reason I just knew when I first started talking to her that I had to walk on eggshells.  I had been talking to alot of other girls when I first started talking with her and I didn't feel the eggshells with any of them.  I chose to get involved with her because we just had so much in common(she wasn't just saying she liked  please read               | I liked).  I seem to always attract girls with some sort of disorder and I always seem to want to be with them(once again because of my wanting to be needed).

If you are such a person you found here a good place to grow beyond it. You'll find persistent work on boundaries, engaging in discussions here and possible at some point reflecting on how you grew up can help you a lot to strengthen yourself in many dimensions.

Again ,

a0

[EaglesJuju]

Hi kingjames,  

I would like to join an0ught and welcome you.  

Walking on eggshells is very frustrating. I understand how much anxiety you can get from always being on edge. It can be really tough at times.  

Learning about BPD traits and characteristics really helps with walking on eggshells. When you learn how people with BPD (pwBPD) perceive things and why they behave in a certain way, it makes things a little more predictable. On the surface, the behavior of a pwBPD seems pretty erratic and unstable, but the emotions/feelings/maladaptive behavior do not change very much.  

PwBPD tend to perceive feelings as facts and have intense emotions/feelings. They have a very hard time regulating or controlling negative emotions, such as sadness or anger. The emotional maturity of a pwBPD is synonymous to a child. They tend to perceive things in the moment without considering the past or the present. A pwBPD believes that what they presently are feeling will last forever.  

Emotional dysregulation (lack of regulating emotions) has a profound effect on a pwBPD's sense of self or self image. Having emotional consistency across time and situations, which are prerequisites of identity development. From an unstable sense of self a pwBPD may have feelings of emptiness or a self-image they are bad. Usually a pwBPD has intense feelings of self-loathing.  Many pwBPD do have issues with body image distortions as well.

Take a look at this article, it really helps understanding the disorder.

BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

The motto on the Staying board is, "before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse."  It truly is the foundation for improving your relationship. We cannot change our partner's thoughts or behaviors, we can only change our own. How we learn how to handle situations with our pwBPD makes a huge difference.

Sharing your story really helps with learning how to make things better in your relationship. You will find that there are many people here going through the similar situations.

[kingjames]

thank you for both of your replies.  since our biggest argument so far, every day she will bring up that i called her fat and ugly. to reiterate, i didn't do this.  anytime she's brought it up i re-explained to her again how i said it and how i was expecting her to take it and that it wasn't how i felt and it was just me trying to show her from my point of view how things were when she said what she said to me.

after the last time she brought it up i just said to her  that i explained it already and i wasnt going to explain it again and if she wanted to believe i was intentionally attacking her and trying to hurt her then she could.  she hasn't brought it up in the last two days and since then i feel like things are kind of going back to how they were before that argument, atleast for now.

[EaglesJuju]

anytime she's brought it up i re-explained to her again how i said it and how i was expecting her to take it and that it wasn't how i felt and it was just me trying to show her from my point of view how things were when she said what she said to me.

Having a negative self-image and low self-esteem is very common amongst pwBPD. Unfortunately, having low self-esteem and a negative self-image can lead to insecurity. My bf is extremely insecure about his physical appearance and has claimed that I called him fat and ugly before. I never did, but he was projecting his inner feelings on to me so I could reassure him that he is neither fat or ugly. 

As  an0ught  mentioned, validation is important and often we invalidating without intending to do so. Although I have meant well, I would end up invalidating my bf with saying things like, "You are not fat or ugly."  I did not understand at the time, why he would get so frustrated with me, but I learned that I was invalidating his feelings. 

While dealing with all their intense emotions, it can be very hard for a pwBPD to understand their partner's point of view at times. Using communication techniques really helps with expressing our feelings, wants, and needs.  Have you tried using communication techniques with your pwBPD?

[kingjames]

anytime she's brought it up i re-explained to her again how i said it and how i was expecting her to take it and that it wasn't how i felt and it was just me trying to show her from my point of view how things were when she said what she said to me.

Having a negative self-image and low self-esteem is very common amongst pwBPD. Unfortunately, having low self-esteem and a negative self-image can lead to insecurity. My bf is extremely insecure about his physical appearance and has claimed that I called him fat and ugly before. I never did, but he was projecting his inner feelings on to me so I could reassure him that he is neither fat or ugly. 

As  an0ught  mentioned, validation is important and often we invalidating without intending to do so. Although I have meant well, I would end up invalidating my bf with saying things like, "You are not fat or ugly."  I did not understand at the time, why he would get so frustrated with me, but I learned that I was invalidating his feelings. 

While dealing with all their intense emotions, it can be very hard for a pwBPD to understand their partner's point of view at times. Using communication techniques really helps with expressing our feelings, wants, and needs.  Have you tried using communication techniques with your pwBPD?

honestly i havent read anything about communication techniques to use with her. ive been wanting her to come over the last few days because i miss her and we havent seen eachother in almost two weeks due to her being depressed and also the arguing.  i cant go to her place due to our age gap and her parents or i would go there. i asked her tonight and she kind of just ignored what i said, so i repeated and got ignored so i just said i guess id stop asking. she just said i was making her angry.

is this common for someone with BPD to just announce they are angry? i know their emotions are childlike but when she says im making her angry it makes me feel bad.  i just stopped talking to her after that as i didnt want an argument but im just feeling like shes been pushing me away since her friend left and our argument. i read its common for people with BPD to push a lover away and then just want them back just as strongly as they wanted them away, but id be lying if i said it hasnt been making me feel bad and second guess if she even wants to be with me.

im really not useto all this arguing and fighting especially so early in a relationship

[EaglesJuju]

honestly i havent read anything about communication techniques to use with her.

Communication techniques have helped improved things in my relationship. Prior to learning them, many times I would make things worse with my bf. I would end up arguing or talking louder, thinking that he would understand what I was trying to tell him. Needless to say, I made things worse quite often. Conversely, I would be afraid of addressing issues or things that were bothering me. I ended up repressing and putting everything on the backburner, which would leave me more angry and frustrated. Using communication techniques, such as SET or DEARMAN, has helped me discuss things in a way that would have most likely triggered him in the past. It has made a huge difference. It also fantastic to use with other loved ones that are not disordered.    

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

ive been wanting her to come over the last few days because i miss her and we havent seen eachother in almost two weeks due to her being depressed and also the arguing.  i cant go to her place due to our age gap and her parents or i would go there. i asked her tonight and she kind of just ignored what i said, so i repeated and got ignored so i just said i guess id stop asking. she just said i was making her angry.

Do you think that she wanted space?

is this common for someone with BPD to just announce they are angry? i know their emotions are childlike but when she says im making her angry it makes me feel bad.  i just stopped talking to her after that as i didnt want an argument but im just feeling like shes been pushing me away since her friend left and our argument.

Anger is a common emotion/feeling for anyone, including a pwBPD.  Why do you feel bad that she is angry?

You do not control her thought and behaviors and you cannot change them either. You can change your thoughts and behavior. Changing how we perceive things helps. For a very long time, I believed that I could change my bf's behavior. I willingly took responsibility for his feelings/emotions, thoughts, and behavior. It took me a long time to learn that I am not responsible for his behavior. I forgot that I am only responsible for myself. 

i read its common for people with BPD to push a lover away and then just want them back just as strongly as they wanted them away, but id be lying if i said it hasnt been making me feel bad and second guess if she even wants to be with me.

This is very common and is known as the push-pull.  When a pwBPD is feeling engulfed, they feel that their image or self will be annihilated or swallowed up by their partner.  To dispel the feeling of engulfment, a pwBPD will push their partner away. The feeling of engulfment is reliant on a pwBPD's rapidly changing feelings/emotions of the moment. Typically when a pwBPD is feeling engulfed they say things like, "I need to find myself, I am feeling suffocated etc." Engulfment has much to do with a pwBPD's unstable sense of self. When their sense of self is being "attacked," a pwBPD tend to respond to their partner through anger. 

Paradoxically, when a BPD distances themselves from a partner, this will trigger their fears of abandonment. They will desperately pull the partner closer.

[kingjames]

I'm not sure if she wanted space or not. Im useto other relationships where in the beginning people just wanna spend all their time together and that's not really happening right now. We kind of rushed into the relationship after only talking a week, but I guess I'm understanding as to why that happened.(her need of feeling loved and wanted and not wanting to be abandoned). This is going on week 5 and it's just weird to me for someone who told me they wanted a relationship with me and didn't want someone else having me to just be so cold towards me already.

I felt bad about her being angry because I caused it even though I viewed it as irrational, I knew she didn't and my intention wasn't to make her angry. I obviously want to bring some sort of happiness to her. Like she will make comments about wanting to be with me for a long time and not knowing what I'm gonna be able to do when she's back in school, but her seemingly not really wanting to talk to me makes me feel really unwanted.  I brought it up to her previously that I was feeling upset with how she didn't seem to really wanna be talking to me lately and she apologized for it but the same thing continues. Should I assume it's because in her mind her emotions and needs come first for her or maybe she just does want space from feeling too consumed.

I haven't spoken to her today, which normally one of us would say good morning, I've just been I guess giving her space and letting her decide if she wants to talk to me.

[kingjames]

I'm thinking she just doesnt wanna talk to me anymore but doesnt know how to say it. so i guess that's that.  thanks for the advice and help, it was appreciated.