The "Perfect" Wife/Husband

[SummerStorm]

At any point in your relationship, did your exBPD ever try to appear to like the perfect wife/husband, based on society's perceived gender roles?  Right now, that seems to be what my former friend BPD is doing in her current relationship.  The day she cut off contact with me, she told me she had spent the whole day cooking and cleaning.  Yesterday, her boyfriend posted a message about how she brings him breakfast in bed every morning.  That led him to say that she's wife material.  Meanwhile, she's been out of a job for almost two months and isn't helping to pay the rent.

When she was love-bombing me back in May and told me she wanted to live with me when I bought a house, I asked her what she was going to contribute, whether it be toward the mortgage, internet, water bill, etc.  She told me she "isn't a leech" and then said that she would cook, clean, do laundry, and basically "be my wife."  She gave me no indication that she would provide monetary assistance. 

I'm just wondering if this is common behavior, specifically outside of an actual marriage, possibly to avoid getting a job and accepting responsibility?  I know there are plenty of stay-at-home moms and dads, but she is nowhere near being in that situation.  She isn't married, and she and her boyfriend are both in their early 20s.  He makes pretty good money, but again, it's not like he's had years and years to save money, and some of that is going toward rent.  I am in the process of buying a house, but I'm almost 30 and still live at home, so I've been able to save money for more than a decade.  This behavior seems more like a desperate attempt at her saying, "Look at all of the helpful things I'm doing!  It's ok if I don't have a job and if I rage every once in awhile.  I make dinner!"

Has anyone else experienced this, either outside of a marriage or in an actual marriage?   

[rotiroti]

I think it's the whole mirroring to become the 'ideal' partner... .and who wouldn't want an ideal partner for life? I remember announcing to my friends that I had essentially found the female version of me/soulmate and that I was getting married. Definitely had tons of gushy pics and all that jazz. ugh.

She portrayed my ideal partner well -- we'd both work for income (independent), cook together, play music together (artistic), she can keep her last name, etc.

[Bassoutcast]

I think it's the whole mirroring to become the 'ideal' partner... .and who wouldn't want an ideal partner for life? I remember announcing to my friends that I had essentially found the female version of me/soulmate and that I was getting married. Definitely had tons of gushy pics and all that jazz. ugh.

She portrayed my ideal partner well -- we'd both work for income (independent), cook together, play music together (artistic), she can keep her last name, etc.

Ugh, I remember that one. I even did a little "flow-chart" gesture in the hand while explaining : "There are 3 types of love, the first is momentary - you see someone and you're attracted to them in a physical way, the second one is a crush - you like someone for a period of time, feel butterflies each time you see them, totally bananas over them... .and the third one? it's MUCH deeper, doesn't have the butterflies, you just feel like you've known this person your entire life, a deep, emotional connection that comes once in a million - and THAT'S what we have!"

Jesus... .how blind was I?

[rotiroti]

I think it's the whole mirroring to become the 'ideal' partner... .and who wouldn't want an ideal partner for life? I remember announcing to my friends that I had essentially found the female version of me/soulmate and that I was getting married. Definitely had tons of gushy pics and all that jazz. ugh.

She portrayed my ideal partner well -- we'd both work for income (independent), cook together, play music together (artistic), she can keep her last name, etc.

Ugh, I remember that one. I even did a little "flow-chart" gesture in the hand while explaining : "There are 3 types of love, the first is momentary - you see someone and you're attracted to them in a physical way, the second one is a crush - you like someone for a period of time, feel butterflies each time you see them, totally bananas over them... .and the third one? it's MUCH deeper, doesn't have the butterflies, you just feel like you've known this person your entire life, a deep, emotional connection that comes once in a million - and THAT'S what we have!"

Jesus... .how blind was I?

hahahaha oh man, I can picture it perfectly in my head! Thanks for sharing bass

isn't it crazy what we overlooked? Looking back, I was definitely confusing intensity for intimacy.

[Bassoutcast]

I think it's the whole mirroring to become the 'ideal' partner... .and who wouldn't want an ideal partner for life? I remember announcing to my friends that I had essentially found the female version of me/soulmate and that I was getting married. Definitely had tons of gushy pics and all that jazz. ugh.

She portrayed my ideal partner well -- we'd both work for income (independent), cook together, play music together (artistic), she can keep her last name, etc.

Ugh, I remember that one. I even did a little "flow-chart" gesture in the hand while explaining : "There are 3 types of love, the first is momentary - you see someone and you're attracted to them in a physical way, the second one is a crush - you like someone for a period of time, feel butterflies each time you see them, totally bananas over them... .and the third one? it's MUCH deeper, doesn't have the butterflies, you just feel like you've known this person your entire life, a deep, emotional connection that comes once in a million - and THAT'S what we have!"

Jesus... .how blind was I?

hahahaha oh man, I can picture it perfectly in my head! Thanks for sharing bass

isn't it crazy what we overlooked? Looking back, I was definitely confusing intensity for intimacy.

Funniest thing is looking back - I think the lack of butterflies was the same reason I couldn't get an erection with her at first - complete lack of attraction. My mind might be BPD brainwashed, but my body knew better... .it actually felt weird kissing for the first few times, like kissing a cousin (I would presume, never tried it or anything)... .

Well, at least that's another lesson I've learned - lack of attraction? don't even bother trying.

[rotiroti]

like kissing a cousin (I would presume, never tried it or anything)... .

you're on a roll today!





But yes, looking back... .it's weird realizing that not much was there. And the parts that were appealing were the mirrored ones. If they really do mirror the best parts they see in us, I think that's a plus for us. We really did give it our earnest all