How do I know if this is BPD or just general @sshole?

[SurfNTurf]

My uBPDhusb made a statement to me the other day, when we were discussing the many incomplete projects around the house. (He is not a project completer, just a project starter.) I asked if he could choose one project and complete just that one project. His answer was, "If I give you what you want, you will just want something else."  I find that very odd; aren't spouses supposed to try to give to each other? Is this a BPD statement, or is he just being a general ass?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Daniell85]

I have been trying to separate the ass out of the BPD for years. I am afraid these two entities are so absolutely enmeshed, it can't be done.

Essentially, he is projecting his disease onto you as a demanding and controlling person. Since he has cottoned on to your feeling that HE should be doing something, he feels like this just is not something that YOU should be doing to HIM. Instant resentment.

Tell him that's cool. From now on when his paycheck comes in, you are setting aside 10% of it to hire people to come in and do what needs to be done.

I would say more but I am dealing with anger and resentment inside myself today, so it would probably be unhelpful.

[maxsterling]

Does it really matter The reality is, even if this isn't part of BPD, you still have to wade through the BPD in dealing with it 

A similar thing happened to me yesterday.  My wife was talking to me on the phone about my haircut, giving her opinion of how it should look.  She then said that if I thought she was being a superficial judgmental ass, that was okay, because it is important to her how I look, and she has a right to her opinion.  Is that part of BPD?  Who knows.  I just find it sad that she would waste so much time discussing/thinking about my hair rather than doing something for herself. 

The reality here is that his comment pissed you off.  It doesn't matter whether this is BPD or not - it still was rude. 

[SurfNTurf]

Thank you Daniell and Max - all good points. I wonder what my husb would think if I said, "but if I fix you dinner tonight, you'll just want breakfast tomorrow." Maybe I should have said that, but it didn't occur to me til just now!

For the moment I'm letting the outdoor projects ride; it's hot outside anyway. I'm hiring the inside things to be done as Daniell suggested.

[formflier]

 

What about a comeback... .that says... .when project x is finished... .you'll have a very appreciative wife that will (insert something he likes... )

Basically... he was trying to go negative... .you can try to go positive.

FF

[ColdEthyl]

To me, I have two husbands. I have the smart, funny loving husband; and I have the dark, sarcastic nasty BPD husband. They are in the same body fighting to be the husband that day. In the end... .they are both him. He is sometimes an A hole, he is sometimes the nice guy.

My H last night got pissed off at me because he wants to only do one chore a week.(silly me, I put 2 whole doctor appointments in the same week) If he does more than that it's too hard for him. He said he thought I was smart enough to know that. I told him if he wants to insult me, I will not listen to him anymore. He claimed he didn't insult me.

After he said that he kept talking, but I picked up a book and didn't listen to him. He got fidgety... .and I asked him if he was ready to talk to me without insulting me. He didn't answer me, but he quit the insults. It's taking some work... .but we are getting a lot of that vile crap he pulls to slow down... .working on getting it to stop.

[formflier]

He claimed he didn't insult me.

After he said that he kept talking, but I picked up a book and didn't listen to him. He got fidgety... .and I asked him if he was ready to talk to me without insulting me. He didn't answer me, but he quit the insults. It's taking some work... .but we are getting a lot of that vile crap he pulls to slow down... .working on getting it to stop.

Nice work!

I take a different angle.  When they claim they are not insulting me... .I seem exciting... and ask for help "understanding" the compliment... .then I hush and listen... and I keep redirecting back to the explanation of a compliment.

Hehe...

It has gotten better... .much better.  Certainly compared to a year ago.

Takes time... and patience...

FF

[ColdEthyl]

He claimed he didn't insult me.

After he said that he kept talking, but I picked up a book and didn't listen to him. He got fidgety... .and I asked him if he was ready to talk to me without insulting me. He didn't answer me, but he quit the insults. It's taking some work... .but we are getting a lot of that vile crap he pulls to slow down... .working on getting it to stop.

Nice work!

I take a different angle.  When they claim they are not insulting me... .I seem exciting... and ask for help "understanding" the compliment... .then I hush and listen... and I keep redirecting back to the explanation of a compliment.

Hehe...

It has gotten better... .much better.  Certainly compared to a year ago.

Takes time... and patience...

FF

Oh, FF your "help me understand" statement has helped me out so much with him. It so weird to see just changing HOW I say something has such an impact!

Another trick I have learned when I am using SET in the middle of a dysregulation is saying "You have a right to be upset about X." That seriously calms him down. He just needs to know its OK for him to feel things, it seems.

[vortex of confusion]

My uBPDhusb made a statement to me the other day, when we were discussing the many incomplete projects around the house. (He is not a project completer, just a project starter.) I asked if he could choose one project and complete just that one project. His answer was, "If I give you what you want, you will just want something else."  I find that very odd; aren't spouses supposed to try to give to each other? Is this a BPD statement, or is he just being a general ass?

It doesn't matter if it is BPD or butthole.

Really, it doesn't seem like that odd of a statement to me. To me, it sounds like he is deflecting a bit. He doesn't want to answer so he turns it around on you. It is what I refer to as a non-answer. I ask a question and get some kind of BS in return.

I would have been tempted to respond, "Yep, you are right. I will want something else. I will want <insert whatever sexy thing he really, really likes>. "