Why do they tell us they are no good... ?

[Herodias]

Last night my husband came over and we had a fun night together after not talking for a month and being separated since April. We ended up in bed... .he actually freaked out and went home, then calmed down and called me and came back over. We had a fantastic night like we used to in the beginning of our r/s. I am actually glad because I wanted him to see the changes I have made and he wanted me to hear about his as well... .He actually asked if we are back together! I said, no... .he still had allot of work to do. Mind you, he is in a r/s with someone else, who thinks they are life partners! He is actually taking my advice and getting a vasectomy soon, finally! Apparently this girl started talking about kids. He is not going to tell her he is doing it, so she won't try and stop him. I told him that was smart. He told me they get along for the most part. He keeps calling her my name, and that turns into an argument! I think he needs to learn the grass isn't greener and somehow I am not jealous. I think he is actually with her to hang out with her friends. Weird, I know. It gives me a break and he says he cannot be alone and that's why he got into it. He says he knows it won't last. He says we have a special relationship and he loves me and always will. We can get divorced in Jan. He said maybe we will change our minds... .It is awfully confusing. I think he doesn't know what he wants. I let him think I am enjoying my time apart and dating myself. Even though I am miserable. It's so crazy... .My question is, why does he keep telling me he is no good for me and I deserve better. I told him, I know exactly what he is like. Is that a push-pull... .thing or does he want me to tell him he is not so bad or does he really believe it and he thinks I should believe it too? I know I deserve better... .but I cannot help how I feel. I am in total love with this guy and I was just staring at him this morning at how beautiful I think her is. I am really sad. I am not ready to be back with him either, but I feel just as confused as he does now : ( Also, we did drink last night- both of us. Does drinking work as a truth syrum or just make you say crazy stuff. he seemed upset this morning that he was still a cheater. He is trying to be better about that. I told him he is not cheating when it is with his wife,

[Mike-X]

A core problem with people living with BPD is low self-worth. Basically, they live with the sense that "I am not worthy of being loved, and it is only a matter of time before others claiming to love me figure out how worthless I am and abandon me." This often leads to overwhelming anxiety when the sense of low self-worth or sense of rejection is triggered. Unfortunately, they also lack emotional regulation and cognitive regulation skills to manage this overwhelming anxiety, which often leads to impulsive actions, overreacting, personalizing, raging, etc. To avoid dealing with the painful sense of worthlessness, they engage all sorts of defense mechanisms to protect themselves from feeling worthless, for example, "I feel worthless, because these others who claim to love me have made me feel worthless (or don't really like or love me)" with projection.

Some of this is expressed in the following, under Borderline Personality Disorder is a Disorder of the Emotions:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/Dr-Jekyll-and-Mr-Hyde

Some is also expressed in the following story by someone with BPD about her experiences with relationships and love:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/my-definition-love-i-have-borderline-personality-disorder

[satahal]

When someone tells you they're no good for you I'd believe them.

It sounds like you're terribly confused and I can see why. Anyone would be. On one hand he's telling you he loves you madly and on the other he's saying he's no good for you. He supposed to be working on himself but he's in a relationship with a woman in which he is devaluing her, lying to her and maybe even cheating on her with you (since she believes they're life partners). It sounds like he has a long way to go.

[Herodias]

Thank you both... .yes, I realize he has a long way to go. That's why I don't see a future at least a near future. I always will love him... .he says he feels like I must have a spell on him, because he thinks about me all the time and jumps when I call him now... .It's just too bad we had to go through all the bad stuff. I wish I had understood more about this earlier into the relationship and maybe I would have at least done my part in acting a bit better. He was the main break in the r/s though... .he needs allot of work sadly.  I can only pray and hope he makes changes, but maybe he will prefer to stay a mess and be with new people that don't know him like I do. He acts like he can't forgive me or me him.

[repititionqueen]

My BPD exes said the same types of things to me and it is extremely confusing. It keeps you on the hook that there is going to be some hope of a future together. If someone really loves you they won't hurt you or go off with someone else out of loneliness. He has a long way to go as others have said. I can hear you still blaming yourself in your last post "I wish I had understood more about this earlier into the relationship and maybe I would have at least done my part in acting a bit better". I think the same thing sometimes but even my ex said it wasn't me, i was "perfect" it was him. I feel like people with BPD really try not to hurt people they really love. The ones they really love and respect they try to set free. There is push and pull along the way because they don't have the emotional stability to just let you go and move on with your life. But they do seem to try their best to warn us and let us get out. I hope things get better for you. Take care of yourself and don't question how you acted in the relationship. This is his issue and not yours.

[satahal]

It seems like you are deeply affected by is proclamations of love, you having a spell on him, etc. Not to be cynical but….it begs disbelief.

My pwBPD makes the most flowery, flattering statements - he can just make my head swell and my heart swoon like no other. I'm amazed at how I've given more credence to his words than his actions. His actions: cheating and inappropriate behavior with other women, lying, refusing to fully commit to the relationship - they all tell another story - his actions say he's ambivalent about me but I believe his words - that I'm his soulmate, that he's never loved any one as much as he loves me, that we're meant for each other - how is that possible?

It sounds like you're on the right track - it's so great that you are working on moving forward. I hope to get there too.

[SummerStorm]

I feel like people with BPD really try not to hurt people they really love. The ones they really love and respect they try to set free. There is push and pull along the way because they don't have the emotional stability to just let you go and move on with your life. But they do seem to try their best to warn us and let us get out. I hope things get better for you.

I agree.  In March, I tried to end my friendship with my former friend BPD (this was months before she was diagnosed), and she just said, "Ok."  At the time, I was upset that she was being so cold and didn't even ask for an explanation, but I now see that she was trying to send me a message - "This is a good decision.  Don't be friends with me." 

In April, she told me that she's a "waste" and that she would only end up hurting me in the end, and that I should forget about her. 

In May, she tried to end our friendship, and she told me that I would "get over" missing her. 

Each incident increased in intensity.  And when she finally ended things and completely cut me off and painted me black, she blamed me and said I'm "poison."

So, it went from her accepting the inevitable and basically seeing me as just another person who was going to leave her, to her taking the lead and trying to get me to leave, to her projecting and blaming and cutting me off. 

When she got out of the hospital a few weeks ago, she told her boyfriend that he deserves someone better than her, and he disagreed.  Now, she's on her second round of pull with him, after a week or so of push.  He's gushing about her on Facebook and stopped replying to me after I started telling him about some of the bad things she's done.  Meanwhile, she never posts messages about him and changed her profile picture from a picture of them to a picture of just her.  She's doing "nice things" for him (really, just doing things that a normal adult does, like cooking and cleaning), but she takes it no further than that.