Last night was pretty mental

[soar]

I thought I'd share this with you guys. Be aware that I've not really processed this yet but I just wanted to put it out there because it's a big deal for me.

A while ago I was out in my local town when my ex's friend (E) pulled me to one side. She basically tried to explain something along the lines of... .'I have no problem with you, it's just really awkward with me being friends with your ex'. At the time I was drunk and started trying to talk to her about something else. The conversation digressed.

When I was sober and thought about the conversation again, I realised that she was reaching out to me and wanted to thank her.

Last night E came up to me again and just said the same thing again essentially. I said to her that it 'meant a lot' and it does. We then went to one side to have a conversation. Bare in mind this is the first time ever that I've spoken to someone about my ex (who actually knows her) since we broke up (nearly 3 years). It's also worth mentioning that the breakup was a hit and run (i.e. my gf cut me off completely and has never spoken to me since).

Ever since the breakup I've always been scared to talk to her friends about it because it's such a sensitive subject for me and for so long I've not understood it so have often taken it all on my own shoulders. On top of this I've always felt that her friend's hate me because she's painted me black to them.

Anyway E ends up telling me that she and most of my ex's other friend's barely speak to my ex. She's pushed them all away apparently. E even talked about my ex having 'issues' and her only being able to help herself. This was shocking to me. For so long I have imagined my ex b___ing about me to her friends. For so long I have imagined her friends loving her as I once did. It was so sad to hear about my ex's demise and at the same time wasn't surprised. I've often thought that her getting away with what she did to me could only increase her capacity to hurt people and get away with it. That's a scary thought.

I was sad to hear of my ex, really sad and I just wanted to hold her and tell her that everything was going to be ok. But in my heart I know that's not possible and she would hurt me badly. Obviously I tried to be careful in regards to what I said about my ex. I so didn't want to put myself in a vulnerable position but Emma had opened up to me and it was the first chance I'd had to talk about this stuff to someone who knows my ex. I never mentioned the word BPD but tried to explain that I loved my ex so much and everything wasn't as it seemed. This was a nice experience for me but what was around the corner was pretty much what I feared.

One friend of my ex's in particular (sophie) really doesn't seem to like me. Probably because of everything that happened with my ex but also because I don't think her sister likes me. Anyway I even expressed to E that she was brave to talk with me because I thought she was risking being outcast herself. But Emma insisted that S barely speaks to my ex and wouldn't be bothered.

We then went to the bar and E clearly started speaking to S about me. This then resulted in E essentially saying she couldn't speak to me. It was obviously something I feared and wasn't nice. My main worry is that I've said too much and it will get back to my ex somehow and be misconstrued. But my hope is that my ex's friends have finally realised what she's like and wouldn't do that. Who knows... .I'd like to think E might get in touch to end our conversation in a more conventional way to give me the peace that was potentially there for me.

[enlighten me]

I used to worry about upsetting my exs too. Now I dont care what gets back to them. Ive got to do what makes me happy so as long as im not bad mouthing them for the sake of it then im not going to watch what I say. If their friends or family hate me so what. I have done nothing to warrant it and as I have nothing to do with them their opinions dont matter to me. People who know me know what im really like and accept me for who I am. They are the only people whos opinion matters not people I will probably never speak to again.

[soar]

I used to worry about upsetting my exs too. Now I dont care what gets back to them. Ive got to do what makes me happy so as long as im not bad mouthing them for the sake of it then im not going to watch what I say. If their friends or family hate me so what. I have done nothing to warrant it and as I have nothing to do with them their opinions dont matter to me. People who know me know what im really like and accept me for who I am. They are the only people whos opinion matters not people I will probably never speak to again.

That sounds like a healthy outlook which I struggle to achieve. I've always cared what people think and if I can find a way to break that it'll help me no end I'm sure.

It wasn't so much that I was worried about upsetting my ex. It's just the fact that she cut me off and for years I have tried to move on. I guess the idea of her thinking that I am still struggling doesn't sit well with me. I hope that makes sense.