D Day - 3 redux

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi, i apologize for the repost from the family law thread ---  this situation is pressing fast!

This is my first post to this part of bpdfamily(the family law board/custody) - I feel like i graduated! but that is where the feeling markedly detour... .now im dealing with a heady mixture of deep sadness, self doubt, anger, bold determination... .and a small bit of schadenfreude.  when i was away from her today i had most of the negative feelings and when i got home early (she woke up today at the crack of 4pm) i immediately realized no matter what crazy obstacles are placed in my path  - that this is the absolute best and most substantive decision i have made in years.

I paid the lawyer yesterday  (D Day -4) - he filed the paperwork today - and she gets served the papers on monday (D Day).

From what i can tell this is the day that her behavior will rapidly change and not for the better... . 

part of the anxiety i am subjecting myself to is how will she deliver her response... .

I did significant research on attorneys (saw 3) studied dozens and found one that seemed like the one - ive been consulting with him since march - and have been indecisively on the fence waiting for the "right time" - her behaviour and the fact that its been the right time for over 8 years helped me stroke the check. 

We have two small children D7 S5, and their well being through this is my biggest concern and worry... .i dont know what to tell them, how to tell them, and what face my spouse will put forward when this conversation takes place - all the sites out in the interwebs which discuss this issue for normies make it sound like the two divorcing parents will maturely sit down and have a tough but caring and sensitive discussion with small children in order to help them through this very difficult time - i have absolutely no expectation that the woman who recreationally overdosed on her meds on xmas eve and was found passed out on the kitchen floor by two children waking up at 0500 to see their wonderful haul/xmas magic etc... .  would be able to "do the right thing" for the benefit of her children.

how did anyone else deal with this with an Anti-parent?

thanks in advance!

S

[Stylianos]

Hi, i apologize for the repost from the family law thread ---  this situation is pressing fast!

This is my first post to this part of bpdfamily(the family law board/custody) - I feel like i graduated! but that is where the feeling markedly detour... .now im dealing with a heady mixture of deep sadness, self doubt, anger, bold determination... .and a small bit of schadenfreude.  when i was away from her today i had most of the negative feelings and when i got home early (she woke up today at the crack of 4pm) i immediately realized no matter what crazy obstacles are placed in my path  - that this is the absolute best and most substantive decision i have made in years.

I paid the lawyer yesterday  (D Day -4) - he filed the paperwork today - and she gets served the papers on monday (D Day).

From what i can tell this is the day that her behavior will rapidly change and not for the better... . 

part of the anxiety i am subjecting myself to is how will she deliver her response... .

I did significant research on attorneys (saw 3) studied dozens and found one that seemed like the one - ive been consulting with him since march - and have been indecisively on the fence waiting for the "right time" - her behaviour and the fact that its been the right time for over 8 years helped me stroke the check. 

We have two small children D7 S5, and their well being through this is my biggest concern and worry... .i dont know what to tell them, how to tell them, and what face my spouse will put forward when this conversation takes place - all the sites out in the interwebs which discuss this issue for normies make it sound like the two divorcing parents will maturely sit down and have a tough but caring and sensitive discussion with small children in order to help them through this very difficult time - i have absolutely no expectation that the woman who recreationally overdosed on her meds on xmas eve and was found passed out on the kitchen floor by two children waking up at 0500 to see their wonderful haul/xmas magic etc... .  would be able to "do the right thing" for the benefit of her children.

how did anyone else deal with this with an Anti-parent?

thanks in advance!

S

[Mutt]

Hi Stylianos,

I'm sorry to hear that. Going through divorce is tough and it will have an emotional impact on the kids. You have a young family and its sad to hear that things had to go to come to this and that the mother of your children is having difficulties coping.

What happened in Dec? Was it a particularly bad month for your family? Did your wife have a history with attempts at taking her life? How did the kids react?

Everyone's ex partner displays different characteristics, traits, severity along a continuum, BPD is a spectrum disorder and every person is different. My ex did talk to me about SI and did not have issues with substance abuse and didn't overdose on medication.

She displayed extreme anger and separation and child custody was difficult. I do believe that the unconditional love a child has for either parent us their own and it's not something that I get in the middle of even though I don't agree with some of my ex partner's parenting.

The way that I read your post is that she's unfit as a parent? Are you going for full custody? BPD is often co-morbid with other personality disorders and some found in Axis 1, there's often an underlying clinical depression, anxiety, substance abuse, eating disorder. What's the back story on your partner?

[Stylianos]

Mutt thanks for the questions and responding... .

My spouse has been diagnosed with bi-polar i mixed; BPD; Anxiety disorder; Depression.

we have been together for 12 years married for 8.

i knew she wasnt right due to her erratic behaviors and finally figured it out on my own in 2012.  Prior to then her med diagnostic sheet would list the axis I : bi-polar/depression/ anxiety and for Axis II it listed "deferred".  This pisses me off b/c proffessionals knew about this but refused to diagnose.  WHen i figured it out towards the end of one of her episodes i  explained to spouse  vanilla version of the symptoms of BPD and ask her Psyche if that was a possibility - the psyche said  "yes, that is exactly what i think you are a classic case" psych dr then set up DBT group and indiv therapy and listed her dx as BPD along with the other Axis I issues.  (no doubt she suffers from NPD/and shows traits of HPD but i think that comes with the spectrum of BPD).

December was the normal stresses that comes with xmas - and on xmas eve i dont think it was a deliberate suicide attempt or even an emotional display - it was just a function of her be hugely over-prescribed medicines by mulitple drs - and my wife adjusts her dosages as she sees fit- "if one is good then 3 is better" type of thing.

rx/ lithium, clonopin, topomax (makes her skinny) all from her psyche

Rx/ roxicodone 15mg, and fentanyl patches (100mg) from her primary care.

She started on narcotics after her c-section over 5.5 years ago.  Her recovery after the baby was ridiculous - she kept complaining of pain and the dr kept upping her meds - ultimately she gravitated towards the pain and back disorders to keep the plan going.  was treated for fibre myalgia, degernerative disk disease (she is 44 everyone is degenerating) but nothing that was testable or verifiable.  Im really disappointed in the drs.

her bipolar and BPD interact with each other in terrible ways  - in bed not showering for months followed my hyper manic running around - all while treating with the narcotics.

i have taken over all house duties since baby #2... .she literally does nothing - and that would be fine (before) but she actively is making a mess and does nothing to clean up after herself or to follow up on the babies.  im resentful and chose to just lt her be when he is like that - i take care of all the babies needs to include setting up after school care and daycare/camp in the summer.  she cant be trusted to watch the kids - and the few times she was she would try to make them stay in her bed room with her and watch tv until i got home (to make them dinner) - but they are 7 and 5... .they just would wait for her to fall asleep and then would head out into the rest of the house - make themselves food when they were hungry (destroy the house/kitchen) but mainly my concern is that they would actually try to cook or use the knives - scares the s out of me.  So i made sure that if they werent in my direct supervision they were somewhere else being watched by a provider (huge amounts of $$)

the very troubling parts of all of this is that the D7 (who is great) has tried to assume the mommy role for spouse and brother.  its insidious - kids need moms they dont need to care for their mom.   S5 has displayed ADHD and oppositional defiant traits and is being treated for them. (most likely due to moms care for son while i was deployed after his birth - from 3months to 7 months... .i regret this so much.  Even though i paid for nannies and mothers helpers i think her behaviors during this time had a really negative effect on development. 

her affairs and lack of caring about the family profligate spending are the last straws - i signed the attorney paperwork yesterday and filed -- she gets served monday. (ironically she went out with her friend last night and didnt get home until 4am - her friend made her go home as she was trying to stay out with someone... .more dramma here that affects me more that the actual story)

So my major concern is how to deal with the children after the fireworks go off when she is served papers.  I am going for full custody.  Have an assertive lawyer who seems like he is in the know and read bill eddy's book (the only attorney i spoke with who did). 

i have my phone/video camera with me at all times and lock my door at night.  Things will most likely get worse before they get better but i am moving off the "X" and refuse to be ambushed.

I really want to limit to the best of my ability the damage to the children when this goes down - and i dont know how to speak to them about her poor behaviour.  i have never spoke bad about her to them (covered for her) and i dont plan to start - but when they question her behaviour i need an answer that isnt a lie and can somehow help them to start dealing with this change.

thank you

S

[Mutt]

I really want to limit to the best of my ability the damage to the children when this goes down - and i dont know how to speak to them about her poor behaviour.  i have never spoke bad about her to them (covered for her) and i dont plan to start - but when they question her behaviour i need an answer that isnt a lie and can somehow help them to start dealing with this change.

Hi Stylianos,

Wow. I wanted to get more information about your STBX and I think it helps if we share both sides and not paint the parent all one way. I understand how emotionally distressing and exhausting how all of this can be. It sounds like you've been on 24 hour duty and probably for sometime. Do you have friends and family members that are emotionally mature that you can talk to while you're going through all of this? Do you have time for you and take care of yourself?

I think you're doing the right thing. Kids are always watching their parents and they know. You don't talk bad about their mom and you're right, keep it that way As I mentioned earlier your children have a bond with regardless if she's me talk ill or not, it's unconditional love. The kids need emotional support and guidance from a healthy parent and that's you. Someday, they'll need support with finding compassion for their mother.

Keep it age appropriate with the kids and try to keep them out of conflict as much as possible. I think what's key for kids is validation and validate how they feel. You're S5 may not be old enough to express, your D7 is old enough and if your kids feels angry or sad let them express their feelings and validate her. Validation is the anecdote to your ex spouses invalidations of the your kids. I'm sorry to hear about your D7 is being parentified in all of this, take comfort that she has you in her corner. Be their rock and be the best dad that you possibly can be.

Here's a thread that should help How do I tell the children that their parents are getting divorced?


Hang in there.


----Mutt

[Stylianos]

Mutt,

Thanks so much for the reply.

This week has been hellish.

TOnight she attempted suicide, yesterday she called the police and tried to tell them i had illegal porn (cop was the same as one who locked her up in february and came to the house last week - i called when she started throwing dishes at me and smashing them on the floor) So they saw the situation for what it was.

Tonight - i had picked up the kids from camp and fed them and when we got home i found her incoherent and stumbling and claiming she had taken a quantity of meds and to call the emts. I did. they took her to the ER and admitted her to the ICU.  Last report was that she was stable but they are watching closely.  I really feel like she waited till we got home to down the meds.  Who does this?  i stayed home with the kids.  I cant sit bedside and try to pawn the kids off on a neigbor after that fiasco.

this world that they live in is so sad... .

im holding on with threads and am reachign out to folks for which i thank god.  but ultimately this is just something i have to weather... .undoubtedly i dont want to be with her any longer and in a sad ironic way her crying out for control and attention will strengthen my legal case, but those kids are still hers... .  how can she do that to them.  thanks to all who read and learn and provide guidance - this site i think has helped me so much.

rgds

s