When does the guilt go away?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Its been no contact (i have not had any contact with him and ignored him messaging my friends and family about me) for weeks now. I know in my head that he treated me badly. He manipulated, he tried to make me jealous, emotional blackmail, would say things to hurt me, he lied, he would project, take no responsibiliy (would sometimes apologise but would always twist it to make it my fault why he acted in a particular way)

I know I was so unhappy when I was with him. I would always feel on edge, worried if i wasnt making him happyy he would go off with another girl (if he thought I was disrespecting him or thought I tried to upset him he would threaten to meet and talk to other women). Why do I still feel guilty about leaving? Part of me thinks that he can't help how he is and I should have stayed to help him and cut him slack. If BPD is a mental illness I feel like I am being shallow or discriminative to break up with him because of. Did anyone else feel like this?

[klacey3]

Its been no contact (i have not had any contact with him and ignored him messaging my friends and family about me) for weeks now. I know in my head that he treated me badly. He manipulated, he tried to make me jealous, emotional blackmail, would say things to hurt me, he lied, he would project, take no responsibiliy (would sometimes apologise but would always twist it to make it my fault why he acted in a particular way)

I know I was so unhappy when I was with him. I would always feel on edge, worried if i wasnt making him happyy he would go off with another girl (if he thought I was disrespecting him or thought I tried to upset him he would threaten to meet and talk to other women). Why do I still feel guilty about leaving? Part of me thinks that he can't help how he is and I should have stayed to help him and cut him slack. If BPD is a mental illness I feel like I am being shallow or discriminative to break up with him because of. Did anyone else feel like this?

[cloudten]

Its been no contact (i have not had any contact with him and ignored him messaging my friends and family about me) for weeks now. I know in my head that he treated me badly. He manipulated, he tried to make me jealous, emotional blackmail, would say things to hurt me, he lied, he would project, take no responsibiliy (would sometimes apologise but would always twist it to make it my fault why he acted in a particular way)

I know I was so unhappy when I was with him. I would always feel on edge, worried if i wasnt making him happyy he would go off with another girl (if he thought I was disrespecting him or thought I tried to upset him he would threaten to meet and talk to other women). Why do I still feel guilty about leaving? Part of me thinks that he can't help how he is and I should have stayed to help him and cut him slack. If BPD is a mental illness I feel like I am being shallow or discriminative to break up with him because of. Did anyone else feel like this?

Yes, I have felt exactly all of those things... .you are not crazy for feeling that way at all!

If you feel guilty for him, then it takes the guilt away from the person who actually deserves it... .him. I actually felt.so guilty that I went back... .tried really hard... .and crashed and burned even harder with the end of the recycle.

I felt the same exact way with my guy about the other girls. I had even gotten sickeningly skinny. I was terrified he would go to other girls (something I have never experienced in other relationships). Yet he went to other girls anyway.

[apollotech]

Part of me thinks that he can't help how he is and I should have stayed to help him and cut him slack. If BPD is a mental illness I feel like I am being shallow or discriminative to break up with him because of. Did anyone else feel like this?

Hi klacey,

Yes, I have felt exactly as you have, guilt over leaving someone that I thought needed help. But, does he really "need" your help? Did he have a life he was maintaining "before" you entered the picture. Has he ever sincerely "asked" for your help? More importantly, has he ever made a move to help himself? You can't help someone that is not receptive to said help and unwilling to help themselves. That scenario becomes a lesson in futility.

Let me ask you this: what other avenues were available to you (that would have maintained your health and safety) when you decided to leave? Did his actions/behaviors or your actions/behaviors place you in a position where you had to make the extreme decision of walking away? You were being mistreated and you walked out of it. That's healthy.

There are therapies that address BPD. There are pwBPD that commit to therapy and improve. So, he is not in a situation where there is no hope of him, not you, bettering his life. That responsibility is his, not yours. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself. You did that. You shouldn't feel guilty about taking care of yourself. Taking care of yourself includes walking away from toxic people/situations, especially when those toxic people are fully capable to taking care of themselves.

[Mutt]

Hi klacey3,

That responsibility is his, not yours. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself.

I can understand feeling guilty about a loved one and how self-destructive the behaviors are, it can be heartbreaking to watch and frustrating when our loved ones repeat similar patterns and don't learn from their actions and ameliorate themselves and their lives.

Part of me thinks that he can't help how he is and I should have stayed to help him and cut him slack.

BPD is not our fault. We often did the best that we could with what we knew at the time. We are not responsible for someone else's feelings. Can you cut yourself some slack?

[myself]

Disordered or not, those kinds of actions are hurtful to you and he could do something about changing his behaviors so he doesn't hurt someone he cares about/chase that person away. I understood my now-ex had serious issues, and because I was in love with her I stayed to try helping her, to show there was someone in her life who wasn't going to just leave, etc. I looked her right in the eyes letting her know her actions were very painful, and asked her to not do them anymore, to see a therapist, etc. She chose to not do any of that, and it eventually lead to us breaking up and staying broken up. I don't feel guilty, because I know I stepped up and was a good friend and partner with her. She chose to continue doing what she did, including not seeking real treatment for her disordered issues. It sounds like a huge uphill battle, but there is real help out there for pwBPD if they choose to follow through with it. You're not with him now because of his actions. Mental illness or not, whoever treated you that way would probably be someone it would be better to not be with, don't you think? Focus on your positives, keep doing what's best for you. Forgive yourself as best you can.