Why do people seem bitter post-BPD relationships?

[problemsolver]

As title says... .I'm curious to know, I've read alot on this site and i've seen alot of people say things like " I want to warn the next partner" I understand that your angry and what not but isn't the best revenge success? Not necessarily derailing their next "victim" or relationship? Why exactly are we so bitter/angry after these relationships end?

Was it the effort put forth that wasn't reciprocated?

Lies?

Smearing your good name? ... the list can go on forever I suppose.

Hopefully people can drop me some insight thanks.

[FannyB]

Firstly, maybe the thirst for revenge is directly proportionate to the damage inflicted? Lots of people on here are fresh out of their relationship and emotions are running high. I would guess that when we're struggling to process what happened to us and are consumed with anger, then retribution seems a natural outlet for our pent up feelings. When we've calmed down a bit and acquired some perspective, then we realise that karma is likely to take care of things and the best strategy is to think of more constructive ways to move forward.


Fanny

[sas1729]

Hey,

I think that if you're emotionally abused for a while, were taking advantage of, and your love and devotion were unrequited in such a gross way, that you would be quite angry. Immediately after the breakup, I was devastated and sad. Sad above all. But shortly, quite shortly after, anger mixed in too. That specific feeling of "I want to warn the next partner" I think can be due to a wish to go back in time and warn yourself.

Those kinds of feelings subsided for me relatively quickly once I realized that I was free. Freedom is the prevailing experience for me. In fact, my friends and I jokingly call my breakup day Liberation Day. So from sadness to anger I quickly came to elation and freedom. That's not to say that I didn't have doubts. I was hurt and wondered for a long time if I made the right decision. I think a lot of my anger was at myself. "How could I have been so naive?" That was in my mind and is still in my mind. I'm still a bit upset that I was naive, but I chalk it up to growing pains. I learned to value myself thanks to that relationship. It's easy to forget the thoughts I had back then when I was in the middle of it.

[Herodias]

I think it is because they have done so much damage to our self esteem and ego as well. We did so much to help them and took so much abuse. Tried everything to be good partner and they didn't care and went off to be with the next person as if we didn't even matter! They next person is enjoying the love-bombing that we enjoyed in the beginning and we wish it were with us that they could be  loving all the time. Why didn't they feel we were worth staying with! Why didn't they even try to get better... .all kinds of grief and being lonely. I just want everyone to know how bad he is! Maybe because I feel like a victim, when he is acting like one! Maybe because I feel like such an idiot for putting up with it so long! Maybe because we had everything and now it's all gone! He is not happy, but is pretending to be and making someone else happy. Makes me so angry. That's my rant... .; )

[fromheeltoheal]

Anger is a stage of grieving, normal and healthy, and a part of processing, healing and detaching.  The most important thing when we're in it is to feel it all the way, the only way out is through, while also not making things worse or doing something we'll regret.  And it's helpful to support people in their anger as they work through it, but not support them in lingering in it, since maybe depression and finally acceptance are on the horizon beyond it.  Have you been angry at your ex problemsolver?  Great name and focus BTW, living in the solution, and success being the best revenge is a good focus too, for the period of time we're focused on revenge.

[myself]

Disappointment, pain, rejection... .The loss of the person we loved, and the person we thought we were while loving them. These things are deep, and like bubbles rising to the surface eventually burst. How it's handled when that happens is different for each of us. Hopefully choosing a healing route.

[soar]

alot of people say things like " I want to warn the next partner" I understand that your angry and what not but isn't the best revenge success? Not necessarily derailing their next "victim" or relationship?

This is something I've been thinking about lately and just can't get my head around it. Isn't not 'warning the next partner' the same as knowing someone is a psychopath/watching them commit murder and not telling the police.

We know they are going to emotionally assault their next victim. How is it cool for that not to be brought to light?

[joeramabeme]

In addition to what others have posted here, deep resentment comes from us non's trying to please our pwBPD traits.  

In my experience I was never good enough; too slow, clumsy, not a good kisser and was told that I did not know how to open the door for her.  Before being aware that these comments were not really about me, I responded to her words at face value and twisted myself into a pretzel as a sign of my love.  After all, wouldn't you do anything for the person you married?  

When the hammer fell, I was ripped from the belief that I can control how my spouse feels.  There is an innuendo from the pwBPD traits when they say they are not happy about something with you that implies if you change it, they will be happy.  One of the sources of resentment is coming to the realization that we cannot do anything to change their feelings, even if they accuse/blame us for making them happy or unhappy.  I thought I had all the control, if I could just do such and such better, she will love me.  This is Twisted-pretzel thinking.

This may all sound very elemental and obvious when reading it, but the process of pretzel twisting usually occurs across a duration of time and starts off with a lot of love and good feelings that allow us to feel that we are understood and can openly trust in an uninhibited way.  When the rage or accusatory belittling, blaming and other BP traits start from our pwBPD traits, it is against the backdrop of I love this person and want them to know that I care and will do anything to show them.  

At some point in the cycle, we non's sense that we are no longer grounded, but continue to pursue this twisting to rekindle the sought after love we once experienced.

Depending on how long and how deep the relationship was and how un-centered we are as individuals to begin with; the jolting of being left or realizing that we cannot change them can end up looking like we were manipulated.  It is not manipulation in the intentional sense, rather, the pwBPD traits is typically unaware of the behavior cycle they are engaged in.

So, feeling the feelings is part of the healing, as long as we do not stay stuck in them.

Joe

[fromheeltoheal]

alot of people say things like " I want to warn the next partner" I understand that your angry and what not but isn't the best revenge success? Not necessarily derailing their next "victim" or relationship?

This is something I've been thinking about lately and just can't get my head around it. Isn't not 'warning the next partner' the same as knowing someone is a psychopath/watching them commit murder and not telling the police.

We know they are going to emotionally assault their next victim. How is it cool for that not to be brought to light?

We know they are going to emotionally assault their next victim. How is it cool for that not to be brought to light?

Actually we don't know that and it takes two to tango, there are two people in a relationship, and the next partner may not consider themselves a victim or allow the treatment some of us did.  But it's helpful to think about our motivation for wanting to "warn" someone else; it could seem altruistic on the surface, but are we trying to get something out of it?  Like the newly shunned suitor will come to us and say ":)ude, you were right!  Thanks man, you saved me!" so we get validation that it was her, not us, and solidarity with the newest 'victim'.  It is more empowering, once we shift the focus from our exes to us, to first identify what was ours and what was our ex's, and then own our part fully, decide what that means, what we need to change, if anything, what new decisions we need to make or skills we need to learn, and then set about on a self improvement project of our own, which apart from the benefits of the ensuing growth, efforts like that build momentum and our exes just fade away as we build the life of our dreams.

[problemsolver]

Anger is a stage of grieving, normal and healthy, and a part of processing, healing and detaching.  The most important thing when we're in it is to feel it all the way, the only way out is through, while also not making things worse or doing something we'll regret.  And it's helpful to support people in their anger as they work through it, but not support them in lingering in it, since maybe depression and finally acceptance are on the horizon beyond it.  Have you been angry at your ex problemsolver?  Great name and focus BTW, living in the solution, and success being the best revenge is a good focus too, for the period of time we're focused on revenge.

yeah she's made me angry, I just don't feel the need to derail her life or interfere with it. Whatever happens - happens, will I be upset when I know the next dude is getting loads and loads of sex and good times from her? Perhaps... .But I'm not a psychic maybe she's realized that mentally she can't handle relationships and will work on herself... .I just feel like as most of you know none on the outside understands the relationship between you and your pwBPD. Saying you would like to warn the next person to and outsider they will just scratch their head and think wow this person just can't let go... Which will only make your BPDex even better in the eyes of her new "victim" / friends Because you start to look like " the crazy on"...   If the person with BPD truly believes I'm the problem/stalker/stress then that's their life. The only thing you could do is bless people with your absence and let them struggle on their own.

[spacemadness]

For me, the anger is because he can't/won't/is unable to admit that he did anything to hurt me. I understand that denial  or inability to understand/acknowledge pain they've caused is part of the disorder. His apologies were usually shallow and self-serving. So yeah. For me, I guess I just want him to acknowledge the trauma he caused.

[fromheeltoheal]

The only thing you could do is bless people with your absence and let them struggle on their own.

Nice.  I've taken a liking to: someone either gets the gift of my company or the gift of missing me, up to them.

[anxiety5]

Hey,

I think that if you're emotionally abused for a while, were taking advantage of, and your love and devotion were unrequited in such a gross way, that you would be quite angry. Immediately after the breakup, I was devastated and sad. Sad above all. But shortly, quite shortly after, anger mixed in too. That specific feeling of "I want to warn the next partner" I think can be due to a wish to go back in time and warn yourself.

Those kinds of feelings subsided for me relatively quickly once I realized that I was free. Freedom is the prevailing experience for me. In fact, my friends and I jokingly call my breakup day Liberation Day. So from sadness to anger I quickly came to elation and freedom. That's not to say that I didn't have doubts. I was hurt and wondered for a long time if I made the right decision. I think a lot of my anger was at myself. "How could I have been so naive?" That was in my mind and is still in my mind. I'm still a bit upset that I was naive, but I chalk it up to growing pains. I learned to value myself thanks to that relationship. It's easy to forget the thoughts I had back then when I was in the middle of it.

When we first get out of these messes, we have a lot of work to do to heal. When someone is targeted because of co-dependent behavioral traits (that were childhood wounds revolving around abandonment fears, neglect) is it any wonder that when these people abandon the relationship physically (or often emotionally before hand) after perpetual long term neglect that we are on edge? This is the nuclear bomb of emotions that have been ignited within us all over again. The bitterness is the sobriety from the temporary drunk we felt from their idealization. It's the frustration of having what you perceived as the person you were supposed to be with turn on you and do a 180. Not only do you feel like you can't trust anyone again, you can't even trust your own judgement. Here you are, destroyed, and have to pick up your shattered soul while they drive by with your replacement grinning ear to ear.

Let me tell you something right now. It's ok to be bitter. And also let me tell you this fact. If you make it through the destruction of one of these relationships YOU, are one of the strongest people on this planet. Do the work. Get some counseling so you don't get "stuck" in any of the healing phases, especially anger. It's quite easy to get stuck there. Accept everything. Understand the things you have learned about yourself and others and use that as a starting point to move forward.

I truly believe that if you make it through one of these relationships and break ups and still have your life, that you will never face anything this intense and difficult again.

[soar]

Actually we don't know that and it takes two to tango, there are two people in a relationship, and the next partner may not consider themselves a victim or allow the treatment some of us did.  But it's helpful to think about our motivation for wanting to "warn" someone else; it could seem altruistic on the surface, but are we trying to get something out of it?  Like the newly shunned suitor will come to us and say ":)ude, you were right!  Thanks man, you saved me!" so we get validation that it was her, not us, and solidarity with the newest 'victim'.  It is more empowering, once we shift the focus from our exes to us, to first identify what was ours and what was our ex's, and then own our part fully, decide what that means, what we need to change, if anything, what new decisions we need to make or skills we need to learn, and then set about on a self improvement project of our own, which apart from the benefits of the ensuing growth, efforts like that build momentum and our exes just fade away as we build the life of our dreams.

If the next partner is well balanced enough to not allow the mistreatment then he will leave the relationship. You can't have a healthy relationship with a pwBPD (who isn't in therepy), simple as. But someone like me, someone who thought they were rescuing someone, will not protect themselves. But that doesn't mean that they deserve to have their heart destroyed, that just isn't fair. The main reason I think this stuff should be brought to light is because pwBPD are silent abusers. The less awareness around this condition, the easier it is for them to hurt people. I appreciate what you're saying about shifting the focus from our ex to ourselves but it's something that I really struggle with. Hopefully one day I will understand it.

[greenmonkey]

Anger is a common part of the process when breaking up. It is all part of the cycle. The difference is that we all put in 1000% into a relationship that was not reciprocated and we were ultimately treated like dirt and/or cheated on, lied too, taken advantage of, given the silent treatment and the list goes on.

We all take different amounts of time to get over the anger/bitterness and start rebuild ourselves and get stronger and look at things from a different angle.

Initially I was angry/bitter but I destressed by going out my bike everyday, getting fit and healthy and moving forward from there. Did I want revenge - yes I would have loved it a bit like everyone else - but my method was handing information to government authorities with regard to undeclared earnings etc that I knew was fact and letting them deal with her, which is much more effective than me doing anything that might jeopardise my career etc.

We all are different and deal with things in different ways, but we are all here for the same reason.

[imstronghere2]

When we first get out of these messes, we have a lot of work to do to heal. When someone is targeted because of co-dependent behavioral traits (that were childhood wounds revolving around abandonment fears, neglect) is it any wonder that when these people abandon the relationship physically (or often emotionally before hand) after perpetual long term neglect that we are on edge? This is the nuclear bomb of emotions that have been ignited within us all over again. The bitterness is the sobriety from the temporary drunk we felt from their idealization. It's the frustration of having what you perceived as the person you were supposed to be with turn on you and do a 180. Not only do you feel like you can't trust anyone again, you can't even trust your own judgement. Here you are, destroyed, and have to pick up your shattered soul while they drive by with your replacement grinning ear to ear.

Let me tell you something right now. It's ok to be bitter. And also let me tell you this fact. If you make it through the destruction of one of these relationships YOU, are one of the strongest people on this planet. Do the work. Get some counseling so you don't get "stuck" in any of the healing phases, especially anger. It's quite easy to get stuck there. Accept everything. Understand the things you have learned about yourself and others and use that as a starting point to move forward.

I truly believe that if you make it through one of these relationships and break ups and still have your life, that you will never face anything this intense and difficult again.

You hit the nail square on the head.  Especially about seeing them driving by.  That is literally how it was for me.  I also think you're right that we won't face anything that intense and difficult again.  At least I certainly hope not.  4+ years out and getting better all the time.

[disorderedsociety]

Hey,

I think that if you're emotionally abused for a while, were taking advantage of, and your love and devotion were unrequited in such a gross way, that you would be quite angry. Immediately after the breakup, I was devastated and sad. Sad above all. But shortly, quite shortly after, anger mixed in too. That specific feeling of "I want to warn the next partner" I think can be due to a wish to go back in time and warn yourself.

^ Truth.

Imagine that plus a rebound where the guy is someone you know and is lying through his teeth to you about it. I never so seriously thought about doing something messed up to someone (would not actually do anything though, for my own well-being.)

Its not so much that we miss them but when the BPD sufferer just switches over so quickly you feel like all that time, effort and emotion is for nothing, like you got ripped off in a way but on a deeply personal level.