The urge to contact

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My ex-partner/ex-friend and I havent had contact in a month.

Today it hit me more then ever and i hope i reached the bottom so it can only get better.

I just feel so sad, close to depression, tears ready at the gate and i have to control myself not to reach out to her.

I want to tell her that i miss her

I want to communicate with her

I want to know how she is doing

I want to know if she thinks/misses me too

I want to write her and explain myself better with the correct words

I know it would result in going back for more hurt, or in my fantasy she would be happy if i reached out for her

And this is all i know, learned, in my mind, my logic, my analysis, my brain tells me the outcome which is not positive anyway.

But the raw truth: my heart is crying, bleeding, feeling guilty, and realizing that i agreed on a friendship after being dumped and it kept a small burning romantic hope alive which i thought i could handle and ignore for myself which it didnt eventually. Admitting this is hard and something i was blindfolding for myself.

A next replacement for her is already fully in place after a few in between

Detachment is the best sollution and my goal.

Deleted all our chat history

Not looking for her on social media

Went to a therapist and hope it will progress futurewise

Told "all" to my closest family and friends and this social support prevents me to go back for more

But today it feels like i never been so deep, like it will be forever an open wound.

I try to shift my thoughts about her to myself, try to stay positive, look for the things i really like, enjoy a good laugh and the sound of the birds but she is still in my system and i just hope and willing to work on her way out. How sad to admit but if she would knock my door just now it would make me smile... .

[icecream]

My ex-partner/ex-friend and I havent had contact in a month.

Today it hit me more then ever and i hope i reached the bottom so it can only get better.

I just feel so sad, close to depression, tears ready at the gate and i have to control myself not to reach out to her.

I want to tell her that i miss her

I want to communicate with her

I want to know how she is doing

I want to know if she thinks/misses me too

I want to write her and explain myself better with the correct words

I know it would result in going back for more hurt, or in my fantasy she would be happy if i reached out for her

And this is all i know, learned, in my mind, my logic, my analysis, my brain tells me the outcome which is not positive anyway.

But the raw truth: my heart is crying, bleeding, feeling guilty, and realizing that i agreed on a friendship after being dumped and it kept a small burning romantic hope alive which i thought i could handle and ignore for myself which it didnt eventually. Admitting this is hard and something i was blindfolding for myself.

A next replacement for her is already fully in place after a few in between

Detachment is the best sollution and my goal.

Deleted all our chat history

Not looking for her on social media

Went to a therapist and hope it will progress futurewise

Told "all" to my closest family and friends and this social support prevents me to go back for more

But today it feels like i never been so deep, like it will be forever an open wound.

I try to shift my thoughts about her to myself, try to stay positive, look for the things i really like, enjoy a good laugh and the sound of the birds but she is still in my system and i just hope and willing to work on her way out. How sad to admit but if she would knock my door just now it would make me smile... .

[cloudten]

I am right here with you... .i promise. right here. I know it hurts. lean into the hurt even though it makes it hurt a little more.

If it makes you feel better, write her a letter you never send. Some people post them here. Some people write it and burn it in a little goodbye ceremony.

Do yourself a favor and get rid of all of the old pictures and chat. Block her everywhere. It helps a little.

But I know you feel you are as low as you will ever get. Therapy will help - give it a chance. It is the best gift, along with compassion and patience, that you can give yourself.

They say time heals everything... .I am banking on that at the moment. I have a dear friend I met in this forum to whom I email. She is about 6 months out of a divorce from a pwBPD. She has explained that you really will go back to normal. You really will feel like yourself again. She said it takes a very very long time- but you will regain some sense of normalcy. I have to believe her. I have to have hope and faith that this gets better. 

[icecream]

Thank you cloudten 

Maybe i write that letter one day and post it here with the only goal to write it off my chest.

Deleted our chat history and try to prevent my mind to think of her lines which were so many times the opposite of her actions. The actions is my focus and the reality.

I just hope the missing gets better, eventhou the beautiful moments were so poor compaired to the disappointments.

Thanks again for your kind words. Amazing how a stranger can give you more then you could ever dream off.

I hope you and we all have a much nices future ahead of us, keep having faith and hope and support here 

[Loosestrife]

Hang in there ice cream , you are doing better than you think