Newly aware of this disorder and here to learn.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone,

I was referred to this site by my psychologist, and I have found it very enlightening thus far. When I was 11 years old I was sent to live with my aunt and uncle. My mother was going through a very difficult time and she believed I would be better off. In some ways I was, I had shelter, food, clothing, and I was going to school. My aunt turned out to be more volatile than I had remembered. Sometimes she was caring and nurturing and I felt as though she had true compassion for me, other times it felt like she saw my pain as being in competition with her pain and that she was worse off. I never knew where I stood with her, and I never knew what I was allowed to do and what I was not allowed to do because sometimes something was ok and another time it wasn't. The time I spent in this environment has affected me far more than any other abuse I went through as a child and reading the resources here have shown me just how a great an impact it was. I was constantly bombarded with negativity in a time when I was developing my own identity. That negativity has been with me ever since and it was taken control of my esteem and self worth. I am hoping that by reaching out and taking the initiative to learn more about this that I can learn to be kinder to myself and learn that I am not who my aunt told me I was. Thank you for taking time to read this. 

[worthyone]

Hello everyone,

I was referred to this site by my psychologist, and I have found it very enlightening thus far. When I was 11 years old I was sent to live with my aunt and uncle. My mother was going through a very difficult time and she believed I would be better off. In some ways I was, I had shelter, food, clothing, and I was going to school. My aunt turned out to be more volatile than I had remembered. Sometimes she was caring and nurturing and I felt as though she had true compassion for me, other times it felt like she saw my pain as being in competition with her pain and that she was worse off. I never knew where I stood with her, and I never knew what I was allowed to do and what I was not allowed to do because sometimes something was ok and another time it wasn't. The time I spent in this environment has affected me far more than any other abuse I went through as a child and reading the resources here have shown me just how a great an impact it was. I was constantly bombarded with negativity in a time when I was developing my own identity. That negativity has been with me ever since and it was taken control of my esteem and self worth. I am hoping that by reaching out and taking the initiative to learn more about this that I can learn to be kinder to myself and learn that I am not who my aunt told me I was. Thank you for taking time to read this. 

[Klo]

Just wanted you to know that I read your post and can relate to much of it. The pain competition thing is something my mother had going on pretty badly when I was growing up as a kid and teen. It left me with the toxic internalized message that my pain does not matter, and that I am only allowed to express pain if I first make sure that the other person is completely 100% happy, or else my pain will be an audacity to express. I also internalized a lot of negative emotion growing up as I was trying too hide my pain all the time. I do believe that we can eventually work through this and become healthy people.

[HappyChappy]

The time I spent in this environment has affected me far more than any other abuse I went through as a child and reading the resources here have shown me just how a great an impact it was. I was constantly bombarded with negativity in a time when I was developing my own identity. That negativity has been with me ever since and it was taken control of my esteem and self worth

Welcome to our family worthyone. You make a good point about how BPD techniques can pull down our self esteem. You also make an excellent point that it doesn’t matter when this environment hits you, it still had a massive impact. Looking forward to hearing more about your situation.