p568
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1
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« on: July 25, 2015, 11:11:44 PM » |
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I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I have a lot that I need to get out of my system.
I'm 16 and my uBPD ex-SO is 17. Despite my age, I do consider myself to be extremely mature. I hope that it doesn't invalidate my feelings on the matter. He has not been diagnosed with BPD, although he has been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder (seems like a misdiagnosis for BPD). To preface this, I'm not saying that I can diagnose him. However, throughout our relationship the signs of BPD became increasingly evident to me.
We met and talked only online - our friendship/relationship was long distance. When we first started talking, I wasn't looking for anything more than just someone to talk to. We got along great and started talking and skyping everyday for months. He made it clear, fairly early on, that he was interested in having a long-distance relationship. From the beginning, I was unsure if I'd be able to handle a long-distance relationship. I told him that, but I said I'd see where it goes.
We talked everyday, almost all the time for months. As his feelings grew for me, I started to grow feelings for him too. My insecurities grew as well. I still didn't know if I would be able to sustain a long-distance relationship because I do value the importance of intimacy and physical contact in a relationship. Anytime he asked me to be his girlfriend, he would usually be told "I don't know yet" or "Maybe one day." My intentions were not to lead him on - I genuinely did have feelings for him.
Once the summer started, our skype calls became much more frequent and typically lasted the majority of the day. I started noticing that often late at night, he would have dramatic changes in mood. One moment we're playing video games or watching movies, and the next moment he'll have his head on his desk looking extremely distraught. I would ask him what was wrong and some of the answers I would typically get were "I feel so alone," "No one likes me," "I hate myself," and other similarly self-deprecating statements. He has deep-rooted abandonment issues due to being abandoned by his mother as a kid and looking back, I think that many of the things he said were because he wanted to be reassured. I acknowledge that most likely, he was not intentionally searching for the reassurance - just looking for a way to cope with the intense feelings of fear that I imagine he had. During that time, suicide was something that he occasionally mentioned. It was usually on the worst nights (maybe once a week) that he would do this. I took every threat seriously and contacted people as necessary. I could contact one of his friends (someone not long-distance) that could call emergency services if necessary, his sister (who could then contact his parents), and both of his parents. As I've come to learn, the suicide threats were being used to emotionally manipulate me into telling him the things he wanted to hear.
A few weeks ago, those late night insecurities turned into "I feel so alone" to "I don't want you in my life anymore." During these late night episodes, he started pushing me away to get the reassurance that he wanted. He would say things like "I would be a bad boyfriend," "You'll just find someone better than me," "I'm not good for you." I would push back and tell him how much he means to me and how I loved him regardless. Within the past two weeks, the number of suicide threats increased dramatically. Before suicide had only been mentioned occasionally, but it became something that occurred daily (and sometimes several times a day). I learned that most times, if I continued to talk to him he would eventually calm down and get too tired to fight back.
A few times during these episodes, he would switch from negative feelings of himself to negative feelings for me. He would say things like "I hate you," "You only made me worse," "You've been using me this whole time," "You never cared about me," "I can't believe after all the things I've done for you, you could do this to me" (That one really pushed some buttons because I do feel like I gave a lot more than I received). I didn't have the knowledge then that I have now about projection and shame. He made me extremely upset, but then at some point a switch would flip and he immediately apologized for everything he said. Looking back on it now, I can see how similar the emotional abuse I dealt with is similar to physical abuse in a relationship.
Our romantic relationship was still present throughout this time, and for some time had a (kind of) sexual relationship. I won't go into details, but this obviously brought us closer. I would say that we were both committed to each other, despite not being boyfriend/girlfriend. He had even mentioned that he wanted no one but me and he wouldn't do anything with other girls and I told him I would be the same way. I did have feelings for him, but I felt like I was started to get confused. I would sometimes feel like I had to consider a romantic relationship with him because if I mentioned "just being friends" I was met with disagreement ("You haven't even given me a chance," "You can try it when you're comfortable," "I'll wait as long as I have to".
Then something happened last weekend... .He went away to visit family for the weekend and we weren't able to skype because there was no wifi. We didn't talk much either because he was busy during the days. He confessed to me that during the weekend he had gotten back into drugs and alcohol. He had already been hospitalized before I knew him for the same things, so this was obviously concerning for me. A few weeks ago, he started drinking again, using the 4th of July as his reasoning. Except he didn't really stop drinking after that - he would tell me about his cravings for alcohol. At the end of the weekend, he messaged me extremely distraught ("I messed up," "I can't fix this," "I have to go". He eventually confessed that he slept with another girl.
This was... crossing a line for me. If I can't trust his commitment, then a long-distance relationship would never work. The day that he told me, I spent it calming him down and telling him that we could figure things out. I didn't mention the future of our relationship because I knew that would instantly make him panic. The next day, however, I did mention it. I told him we could only be friends. He managed to convince me that I should still consider a relationship. It seems stupid of me to do, but (as you may have experience with) those with BPD can be master manipulators and I, once again, fell into his trap.
Right around that time in our relationship (just a few days ago), is when I started looking for more answers for his behaviour. Like I said, he's been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. I had looked for forums and information regarding bipolar disorder, but none of it really seemed to click for me. He had the changing moods, but they seemed much more frequent than those related to bipolar disorder. What were supposed to be weekly/monthly/yearly cycles of highs and lows were always hourly/daily for him. I'd heard of BPD in the past, but never really looked into it much. I did know enough about it to remember that it was sometimes confused with bipolar disorder and so I started my research. I found some other forums and when I was reading people's stories about their loved ones, things clicked. Through the forums, I found Stop Walking on Eggshells and read as much of it as I could. There were points where I was in tears because I had moments where I thought "It all makes sense now."
There I learned about setting boundaries. I realized that a lot of my behaviour has been counterproductive. So, literally overnight, I changed my ways.
Yesterday, I went to a party. In the morning, I mentioned it and he told me not to drink. While I acknowledged his previous experience with alcohol, I also told him that I would do what I wanted. I'm a responsible person and if I was to drink, I would've been careful about limits, etc. He was extremely unhappy with me not agreeing to do what he wanted. I tried (maybe too hard that time) to emphasize boundaries by saying things like "I'm in control of myself and I will make decisions according to what I want to do." However, in this situation specifically, I do think that I may have made it too impersonal and disregarded his feelings more than I should have. He told me things like "You're a different person" and "I don't know what happened" and I eventually gave in again.
I went to the party, didn't even drink, and then late at night he messaged me. He told me that he snuck out, did drugs, and was now panicking. I stayed up all night (got 3 hours of sleep) talking to him because his parents weren't replying and I was concerned about his well-being. He told me that he wanted to get in his car and drive into the ocean.
However, when I woke up this morning I found out that the whole story he told me was a lie. His parents were surprised because they said he stayed the night at one of their friends' houses, who they know have responsible kids. He admitted to me and his parents that he lied. When I found that out, I knew that I would tell him I couldn't date him, 100%, no ifs, ands, or buts. He had made it clear before that he was only interested in having a romantic relationship. A friendship was just "not enough."
It was a really tough conversation to have. We talked for a while over text and I continued to enforce boundaries (yay!). Several times he said things like "Goodbye," "I'm going to kill myself," but if I read the message and didn't respond, he would eventually message again and say things like "I just want another chance," "Please don't do this." He asked me to call him. I knew going into the call that this would be a serious test of my boundaries because I have a much harder time enforcing them when I can hear his emotions rather than reading them off of a screen. I stayed put... .told him that there was nothing he could say to change my mind. Then the call ended and I haven't talked to him since... .
All of today I've been trying to cope with feelings of regret and anxiety. As I typed this out and vented elsewhere, I'm starting to feel more comfortable with my decision. I will miss him and I think that's okay. I know that I was being emotionally manipulated (whether he knew he was doing it or not) and that this is the best decision for me. I came to this forum for some comfort. I think it'd be helpful to hear from others that life moves on and that one day, I'll have a healthy relationship because I deserve to be happy.
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