I think my 24 year old daughter has BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello,

After reading many descriptions and others experience I am pretty certain my daughter has BPD.  The hardest part is that she has a 3 1/2 year old grandson who I'm very attached to.  I'm exhausted right now from another episode last night where we called the police to do a welfare check. Not are usual MO.  I just desperately need to find outlets to find some coping skills and not let this destroy me.  I love her and my grandson so much. My grandson and I are extremely close and I spend a lot of time worrying about him.   Anyway. I will post more about my experiences. Right now I need to take a break from it.  I joined a Yahoo group too, and am grateful there are others who are sharing this way.  Thanks.

[HikerGran]

Hello,

After reading many descriptions and others experience I am pretty certain my daughter has BPD.  The hardest part is that she has a 3 1/2 year old grandson who I'm very attached to.  I'm exhausted right now from another episode last night where we called the police to do a welfare check. Not are usual MO.  I just desperately need to find outlets to find some coping skills and not let this destroy me.  I love her and my grandson so much. My grandson and I are extremely close and I spend a lot of time worrying about him.   Anyway. I will post more about my experiences. Right now I need to take a break from it.  I joined a Yahoo group too, and am grateful there are others who are sharing this way.  Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[thefixermom]

Welcome. This is a wonderful place to find others who have or are going through the same things. This site has been my stability and a great resource. I hope to hear more about your situation and any fallout that occurred after the police were called in.

[HikerGran]

There are so many examples of my daughter reacting irrationally that I could write pages... I'm still exhausted from yesterday. Part of her personality scares me. I don't know what she is capable of. She says such horrible things to me. Sometimes she tells me I make it impossible for her to love me... ? When I could be the one saying that. I would never say something like that to her.  Any little criticism, even said kindly with the best intentions is met with rage. She never does anything wrong.  When she was a teenager I saw this behavior start escalating. She has always been insecure, shy, was diagnosed with a learning disability in first grade. That affected her speech, social skills, but she got by and did well in school until high school. Depression started, like for me at that age, but she escaped with boyfriends and smoking pot as far as I could tell.  The extreme acting out started then, but we chalked it up to her problems communicating and being a teenager. When we tried family counseling it always seemed to end with her running from the room cursing us all.  Can't say anything critical about her.  She dropped out of high school... I made her apply at alternative school and she graduated. She has had jobs and seems happier when she is productive.  Getting pregnant was not the best thing for her. She could barely take care of herself and she is so emotionally immature and so self-centered.  We thought she was doing better recently. She had been in this gv't program for low income parents that encourages them to go to school, get a job, etc... and she did those things.  School was a struggle, and I get that when you have a child and are trying to jump the hoops of the system.  The lack of emotion is was I notice most. she is mostly angry or sad.  or blank. I've seen more lucid moments in her where I think there's a shift, a light coming on, but then it all blows up again.  We called the police yesterday because she had previously blacked-out drunk with her son at home and the bathroom water was left on so it flooded the bathroom and went into the apt. below.  The police called me at 1 in the morning to come get her and my grandson. We wish we had told them to throw her in the drunk tank, but I'm not so sure that this is her main problem.  Maybe still, but she hides it well.  That's why yesterday when she wouldn't respond to us pounding on the door, calling or texting we called the police.  She was blurry eyed and didn't say a word, just like that night a couple years ago when we dropped him off.   Ok, I'm going on and on here, but there is so much to relay after so many years of this, and I'm sure you all must understand.  The most blatant and baffling behavior I see from her is the inability to comprehend what she does to others with her raging, ignoring, unfeeling, meanness.  I didn't speak to her for two months at the beginning of the year because she was so incredibly horrible to everyone around the holidays.  She didn't call me either.  When she finally did, prompted by her sister (btw, I have another daughter who is not BPD)  we didn't say anything and went on like nothing happened.  Recently she was trying to get me to let her move back in and I tried talking to her about the problems we've had and she looked at me and said "what?"  then proceeded to get furious and scream at me.  It's like she honestly doesn't remember the terrible things she does and says, but blames me for everything.   She has done giving, loving things, but these are rare and far between.  There's a little more of my story.  I need to find some peace for myself. I need to try and figure out what I can and cannot do to help her, be there for my grandson, and not lose my mind in the process.  I am so tired.

[Glenna]

Dear Hikergran,

I don't have much time now, just wanted to send you a note of sympathy and encouragement. I have been close to my 2 grandsons since they were born in spite of the difficulties and pain. Obviously it isn't just for me. I have been a source of unconditional love and stability for them. Now that they are old enough to object to her behavior it is a good thing for them that there is someone in their lives who is calm and pretty sane.

Glenna

[HikerGran]

Thanks Glenna. I would love to hear more of your experience staying connected to your grandkids. I don't know how to maintain a relationship with my daughter since I'm to blame for everything in her life. We still ask to see him and I tell her I love her no matter what, and really try to set boundaries to take care of myself. It's so hard. I'm in touch with a therapist who specializes with this so I hope I can start detaching with love so I stop letting her tear me apart. I look forward to getting advice from those of you who have done this longer than me as well. Thank you for being here. I work a lot but will make the time to check in.

[madmom]

Hello HikerGran, I want to welcome you here and tell you that you are not alone.  I have a 27 year old daughter with BPD and it is such a roller coaster of emotion living and loving these people.  A little over a year ago I found this site and spent alot of time reading the tools and lessons.  They were really helpful and I hope you will find them helpful to you also.  There is so much support  here, and you will find that this is a safe place to share. 

[HikerGran]

Thanks Madmom. I am glad I found a place where others understand.

[Glenna]

 Hi again HikerGran,

I'm new here too so I can't give any advice. I'll just share what has worked for me, not that it works wonders, as you would see if you read my posts!

My daughter first turned against me when she was 16 and I was sick. She went off with an older man and I cried every day and felt worse than I even do now. No one was on my side, not even her father, though he was against what she did. He was angry with her and thought there wasn't anything we could do anyway. Which seemed to have been true. After a while I stopped telling her anything. I just listened to her. Soon she was making me into an ally against him! I just listened. Eventually she left him, but that's another story.

One thing that works in my favor now re the kids is that she is very paranoid and won't let just anyone watch them. In fact, as she has to know deep down that I am a sensible, calm and loving person, she knows they are safe and happy with me. So she needs me. I am very careful not to express a need to see them, as she uses that kind of thing against me. Even when they want to visit and I just say ' so, come.' she later says I 'lured them here.' I ignore this.

I have found that when I disagree with her about anything, I have all hell to pay. She sees me as an enemy. If I just listen I'm not being an enemy.

She also tells me that everything is my fault. And that I was a terrible mother. Lately this has gotten worse and I was very hurt. But this evening she is out and the boys and I are having a peaceful evening.

More later. 

Glenna

[kelti1972]

Welcome to the family.  Keep coming back and sharing would love to hear more.  Keti

[HikerGran]

hello everyone... thanks for your responses. I think this will help me if I can make the time to get on here and read up on the Tools and other information. Just knowing there are others coping with the same issues helps.  The last episode that happened where she stopped talking to me was two weeks ago tomorrow.  She had gotten in a car accident, not her fault, so I'd taken her out to make sure she got checked out by a doctor and whatever else she needed.  The day went fine and she was doing pretty well.  I told her I would go get my grandson from school and bring him back to my house.  He was acting out and I was tired so I texted and told her I was bringing him home.  She had already called her "boyfriend" and was out. I told her she needed to come home right away. I was upset because she didn't tell me she was going out and I assumed with no car, a hurt neck, and needing rest she would be at home. I shouldn't assume anything.  She called and started yelling at me and I engaged.  Then I did get pretty upset because she is so irrational.   I yelled back so now she has that to remember forever.  :)enying and never taking responsibility for instigating the whole thing.   She would talk to my husband, her step-dad for 20 years, but told him she wanted an apology from me.  Yes, I'm stubborn and will not apologize to her for something so irrational on her part.  So, typical scenario. She's not calling me or asking for anything except from my husband. She's let this car wreck completely destroy everything good she had going for her. My grandson got kicked out of daycare for biting another child, and this is also where she was working. I've talked to the director there and she assured me they were holding her job (btw, she's a completely different person at work, no outbursts, no sensitivity, does great).  She's upset with school for kicking out her son, and I think she's going to lose that job.   All that aside, my struggle is how to get through these times without letting her keep my grandson away. After the police incident I don't know where she's at with us... though she cashed the check my husband had given her!    The hardest part of all of this is that my grandson is the one that get's hurt the most. He needs us.  He is very attached to both of us and we usually see him a couple times a week. I'm so afraid he is going to be a mess because of her.  We would take him on if we had to, but I very much do not want to have to do that.   I love being a grandma, and do not want to be a mom again.  How do maintain a relationship with him?  She can be so cruel and I don't know how long we will go this time before we talk again.  When things are going well I wait until she asks me to take him, and we offer sometimes, but I hate these times where she's refusing to talk to me... or being so irrational.  Anyway, I have an appt. to meet a therapist who specializes with this stuff next week.  I'm also exhausted from having some minor surgery today... anesthesia always makes me feel like crap.    Thanks for all your words, and please let me know your stories too.

[Squire58]

Dear HikerGran,

I understand your pain. I have an only child, and I have been going through behavioral issues with her since she was five years old. It has escalated to scary degrees this last year. She is 34. Hang in there. I think we can lean on each other in this forum, where we are not alone, and hopefully, find solutions to some issues we are having. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kelti1972]

Hi Hikergran:  I too have an appointment with a therapist that specilizes in this area.  It was exhausting looking for one that our insurance covered, but finally did and husband and I are meeting with him next week.  Our swBPD,  is still going to therapy and doing dbt classes, we will see if it helps down the road.  Anyway he is not married and no children yet, so thank goodness for that.  Hope he gets more help before that happens.  I hear you and wish you all the help, support and luck.  Kelti