5 Stages of Abandonment

[joeramabeme]

This comes directly from this sites Lessons section.  Where are you in this cycle? 

I am somewhere between Internalizing and Anger.  Just yesterday I thought to myself you flippin b___, you are the one who is gonna lose out etc.  It is hard for me to do Anger, and Internalizing everything feels more empowering.  I am just glad that I see some kind of movement as I had felt Shattered for a number of weeks... .


Abandonment Cycle The Five Stages

If your relationship partner left you or if you left because you felt you had no choice, you will likely pass through an abandonment cycle.

Shattering - Your relationship is breaking apart. Your hopes and dreams are Shattered. You are devastated, bewildered. You succumb to despair and panic. You feel hopeless and have Suicidal feelings. You feel Symbiotically attached to your lost love, mortally wounded, as if you’ll die without them. You are in Severe pain, Shock, Sorrow. You’ve been Severed from your primary attachment. You’re cut off from your emotional life-line.

Withdrawl – painful Withdrawal from your lost love. The more time goes on, the more all of the needs your partner was meeting begin to impinge into your every Waking moment. You are in Writhing pain from being torn apart. You yearn, ache, and Wait for them to return. Love-withdrawal is just like Heroin Withdrawal – - each involves the body’s opiate system and the same physical symptoms of intense craving. During Withdrawal, you are feeling the Wrenching pain of love-loss and separation – - the Wasting, Weight loss, Wakefulness, Wishful thinking, and Waiting for them to return. You crave a love-fix to put you out of the WITHDRAWAL symptoms.

Internalizing – you Internalize the rejection and cause Injury to your self esteem. This is the most critical stage of the cycle when your wound becomes susceptible to Infection and can create permanent scarring. You are Isolated, riddled with Insecurity, self- Indictment and self-doubt. You are preoccupied with ‘If only regrets’ – - If only you had been more attentive, more sensitive, less demanding, etc. You beat yourself up with regrets over the relationship and Idealize your abandoner at the expense of your own self Image.

Anger – the turning point in the grief process when you begin to fight back. You attempt to Reverse the Rejection by Refusing to accept all of the blame for the failed relationship, and feel surges of Rage against your abandoner. You Rail against the pain and isolation you’ve been in. Agitated depression and spurts of anger displaced on your friends and family are common during this turbulent time, as are Revenge and Retaliation fantasies toward your abandoner.

Lifting – your anger helped to externalize your pain. Gradually, as your energy spurts outward, it Lifts you back into Life. You begin to Let go. Life distracts you and gradually Lifts you out the grief cycle. You feel the emergence of strength, wiser for the painful Lessons you’ve Learned. And if you’re engaged in the process of recovery, you get ready to Love again.

[Sunfl0wer]

 Hi Joe,

Please do not take it the wrong way... .  I have seen you post thoughtful wise words.  So when i saw this:

Just yesterday I thought to myself you flippin b___, you are the one who is gonna lose out etc.

I had a giggle of relief.  Relief that we are human.  Relief of any self inflicted guilt I may hold for momentarily wanting to curse him for sabotaging himself... .and sabotaging us.

Sometimes think I appear to be strong and have it all together, then this week, I have wanted to curse him and tell him what a jerk he is for missing out on some things... .depriving his D of a healthy r/s with a step mom.  He ruined something that could have been great.  I wish he would tell me he has regrets, that he sees my value, sees there was so much to appreciate... .that he neglected to appreciate.

While I don't really see myself in the abandonment stages right now... .I think I visited them during the last year we lived together and he withdrew... .

Right now I relate more to the following:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

Loneliness

You may find yourself feeling isolated in your new surroundings and without a support group. You may feel that you do not have the energy left to make new friends, or even to reconnect with old ones. You may not want to go anywhere; you may also feel depressed. So treat yourself: go for a walk. Go to a coffee shop and be open to conversation. If you have hobbies, like painting, writing, reading, etc., use this new-found time -- when you are no longer dealing constantly with BPD issues - to pursue your interests. Go back to school. Look upon this as a new beginning. You will also find during this period that having your familiar things around you helps.

Mourn the relationship.

The end of a relationship is a “death” of sorts and it is important to grieve. You will likely go through the stages of grief characterized by Dr. Kübler-Ross - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. These don't happen overnight, so be kind to yourself and give yourself time.

Focus on settling in to your new life, making new friends, telling family members and others about your transition, etc. - and most importantly, start setting new goals.

You may experiences a period of anxiety and tension from the experience, and it may be overwhelming. You may feel exhausted, with drawn, unmotivated, confused. You may experience depression or other stresses (e.g., PTSD). Be aware that these feelings will slowly subside; seek therapy as needed.

Self-examination

"Why" did you get into the relationship in the first place? This is a good time to examine your family background and see what blinded you to the fact that the BP was trouble (it is true that people with BPD are sometimes very good at hiding their illness, but in retrospect you will see that some early signs were there). You may have doubts or fears about making new friends or dating because you are afraid that you will once again choose a BPD partner. Keep in mind that you are now an expert on recognizing BPD symptoms, and so practice looking for these signs and deciding if your fears are real or not.

Continue therapy. Self-awareness is actually one of the "gifts" received from having been in an abusive situation; with enough work, you may actually come out of the experience as a stronger person. Be warned again, however, about rushing into any new relationships before you have fully processed the previous bad one.

Acceptance

While it is easy to be mad at either the person with BPD or the illness itself, personal recovery is greatly facilitated by acceptance and understanding on your part.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a real illness, not just a bad attitude and/or stubbornness. Find out as much as you can about BPD - this will help you to better understand what transpired - and what was (and was not) contributed by you.

This will also improve your ability to recognize unhealthy symptoms in other people and increase your social confidence and safety.

FWIW, going through the abandonment phases... .felt excruciatingly painful.  Sometimes it felt that the earth would swallow me up for my feelings of devastation.

It is good to realize there are stages... .and an end to it.

[joeramabeme]

Thanks Sunflower!  Feels good to get pissed off and claim my power rather than feel victimized.  There is hope!