Live separately or not

[Soul cages]

Been married for 15 years. Recently discovered my husband had numerous affairs. After counseling and psychiatric tests , we suspect he has BPD. We are now deciding whether to separate or not. We have two kids.  If I can I want to save my marriage . While we are deciding, is it better to live separately and give each other space. Or will living separately worsen his BPD

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

I don't think there is a clear answer to this question.

Some questions to consider. . .

Is he violent or does he have rages?

Are the two of you involved in a high conflict situation?

How is he with the kids?

What kind of an impact will living separately have on the finances?

Those are just a few things to think about.

Also, I see this is your first post. Welcome to the forums. You might also get some ideas about whether or not to live separately from the lessons that you can find down the right side of this thread. They are full of information about how to deal with somebody that BPD.

[an0ught]

Hi Soul cages,

Been married for 15 years. Recently discovered my husband had numerous affairs. After counseling and psychiatric tests , we suspect he has BPD. We are now deciding whether to separate or not. We have two kids.  If I can I want to save my marriage . While we are deciding, is it better to live separately and give each other space. Or will living separately worsen his BPD

you'll find a link to a workshop on therapeutic separation in LESSON 6 (sticky topic LESSONS at the top of the topic list on the STAYING BOARD).

Generally space is a good idea if you can afford it and both sides are committed to work on themselves and the relationship - the TS framework is for that. Within that framework it then should be reasonably safe for him not triggering abandonment too badly which could be making matters worse. Now moving out "while we are deciding" may not be the best idea as it leaves it open when things are decided and you at his mercy when to communicate what. Are there other short term means available that give him and you space to cool down a bit and device a plan you both can commit to? Days away? Separate trips? Separate bedrooms?

Last but not least ,

a0