Any advice for 'letting go' of my BPD ex?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all,

So it's nearly 3 years since my ex cut me off. I only learnt about BPD just over a month ago so I spent a long time in a very confusing, painful state. I'm still in pain but I'm trying hard atm to stop ruminating about my ex and move forward.

The thing is I'm not sure if I've even 'let go' of my ex.

I wondered if anyone had any ideas about key things I should be doing in order to achieve this?

Thank you.

[soar]

Hi all,

So it's nearly 3 years since my ex cut me off. I only learnt about BPD just over a month ago so I spent a long time in a very confusing, painful state. I'm still in pain but I'm trying hard atm to stop ruminating about my ex and move forward.

The thing is I'm not sure if I've even 'let go' of my ex.

I wondered if anyone had any ideas about key things I should be doing in order to achieve this?

Thank you.

[Mutt]

Hi soar,

I'm sorry you had to through this suffering for 3 years. It has to be difficult not knowing that what you experienced was mental illness. I'm happy to hear that you discovered the missing piece of a confusing puzzle - borderline personality disorder.

Have you checked out our 10 Myths?

They're all linked at the bottom of original post in the first myth:

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

Can you relate with these myths?

[soar]

Hi Mutt,

I have seen that list before. I've just read them again.

The ones that resonate with my are... .

That this person holds the key to your happiness

Your BPD partner feels the same way that you do

& Clinging to the words that were said

I guess they're all to do with me essentially struggling to accept the idea that my ex doesn't have the same bond with me that I do with her...

[SummerStorm]

It's different for everyone.  Some people can let go rather quickly after dating someone for years, while other struggle to let go after only dating someone for a few months, and vice versa.  

It's been almost two months for me, and I'm still struggling a bit.  I knew her for less than a year, was friends with her for five months, and was romantically involved with her for a month.  

Letting go has to be a necessity for me soon.  I am in the process of buying a house, and I go back to work soon.  I have to focus on work and be a good teacher because I need money in order to pay my mortgage/bills.  I can't be distracted and let my job performance slip.  Obviously, not everyone is in the position to buy a new house, but it has helped me.

I still ruminate about saving my ex, even though I know that I can't.  Part of it is the fact that I look at her boyfriend and think, "This guy is such an idiot.  He works all the time, never sees her, never does anything romantic for her, didn't even notice the fact that she was cutting again and was wearing bandages all over her wrists.  He is bad for her."  Maybe so, but it's not like I could stop her from doing any of that.  He never sees her; she fears abandonment.  I saw her all the time; she feared engulfment.  Neither he nor I can change her.

A lot of us Nons are rescuers/caretakers.  Again, you may not be in the position to do this, but maybe take the thoughts you have about your ex, many of which probably still revolve around how were told that you were the one and how you were going to save your ex from this awful world, and apply them to something else.  

If you have rescuer/caregiver traits, adopt an animal from a local shelter or volunteer at a local after school program for troubled youth.  You can't save your ex, but you can provide a wonderful home for a cat/dog/rabbit/lizard/mouse/ferret/bird that is sitting in a cage at a shelter, wondering what it did wrong to end up there.  You can't change your ex, but you can provide a good model for a young man or woman and maybe help change his or her life and put him or her on a better path.  If you can't adopt an animal and don't like kids/an after school program doesn't work with your schedule, then volunteer at a local animal shelter.  

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a rescuer/caregiver.  It's why we have doctors and nurses.  Unfortunately, BPD is not something we can take care of.