The sad effect of BPD on a person's life

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My former friend BPD student taught at the school where I work from August-December last year.  Then, as luck would have it, a teacher in the department went on maternity leave, and my ffBPD got the long-term sub position.  That went from January-April.  Finally, she finished the last six weeks or so in another long-term sub position. 

In mid-May, she called my classroom one day and excitedly told me that new job opportunities had been posted, and that an assistant principal spot had opened up at another school in the district.  The teacher she student taught with just got his principal certificate.  She was excited about what this might mean for her, as he would obviously leave the school if he applied for the other position and got it.  I tried to remain realistic--he had just taken on the honors class for his grade, and I figured he'd want that, so him applying for that job didn't seem likely. 

I should mention that my ffBPD messed up a few times in student teaching and during her first long-term sub position.  She also never asked the principal to observe her or write her a letter of recommendation.  On top of all of that, she missed 11 days throughout the year (more than I have missed in three years combined).  So, the odds were stacked against her.  Then, a few days before the school year ended, she tried to commit suicide, and I had to tell the principal what had happened. 

She discarded me and went NC in mid-June.  Two weeks ago, I received a card from her in the mail.  The next day, I checked my work e-mail and saw a new job opportunities list.  I checked it, and there it was: "Anticipated English teacher position at the high school."  Again, this wasn't a certainty, as it just said "anticipated," but I did let my ffBPD know.  She's moving soon and probably wouldn't have gotten it anyway, based on how unreliable she was, but I did want her to know that she had been right about him leaving.

The saddest part about all of this is that, the day before she tried to commit suicide, she said to me, "I should get the principal to write me a letter, before the school year ends."  She never made long-term plans, waited until the last minute to do everything, and made poor decisions that turned other teachers and the principal against her.  And this was all due to her BPD.  If she didn't have BPD or even if she did and was in therapy for it, she may have gotten the job. 

I just remember how excited she was that day, when she called me about a position maybe opening up.  BPD brings with it terrible things that hurt all of us, but it's also very sad how it affect the pwBPD.   

[SummerStorm]

My former friend BPD student taught at the school where I work from August-December last year.  Then, as luck would have it, a teacher in the department went on maternity leave, and my ffBPD got the long-term sub position.  That went from January-April.  Finally, she finished the last six weeks or so in another long-term sub position. 

In mid-May, she called my classroom one day and excitedly told me that new job opportunities had been posted, and that an assistant principal spot had opened up at another school in the district.  The teacher she student taught with just got his principal certificate.  She was excited about what this might mean for her, as he would obviously leave the school if he applied for the other position and got it.  I tried to remain realistic--he had just taken on the honors class for his grade, and I figured he'd want that, so him applying for that job didn't seem likely. 

I should mention that my ffBPD messed up a few times in student teaching and during her first long-term sub position.  She also never asked the principal to observe her or write her a letter of recommendation.  On top of all of that, she missed 11 days throughout the year (more than I have missed in three years combined).  So, the odds were stacked against her.  Then, a few days before the school year ended, she tried to commit suicide, and I had to tell the principal what had happened. 

She discarded me and went NC in mid-June.  Two weeks ago, I received a card from her in the mail.  The next day, I checked my work e-mail and saw a new job opportunities list.  I checked it, and there it was: "Anticipated English teacher position at the high school."  Again, this wasn't a certainty, as it just said "anticipated," but I did let my ffBPD know.  She's moving soon and probably wouldn't have gotten it anyway, based on how unreliable she was, but I did want her to know that she had been right about him leaving.

The saddest part about all of this is that, the day before she tried to commit suicide, she said to me, "I should get the principal to write me a letter, before the school year ends."  She never made long-term plans, waited until the last minute to do everything, and made poor decisions that turned other teachers and the principal against her.  And this was all due to her BPD.  If she didn't have BPD or even if she did and was in therapy for it, she may have gotten the job. 

I just remember how excited she was that day, when she called me about a position maybe opening up.  BPD brings with it terrible things that hurt all of us, but it's also very sad how it affect the pwBPD.   

[Dr56]

Not long after she abruptly walked out of our relationship, my stbxw said something along the lines of, "I don't know why this is happening. Maybe I'm just doing all this because I grew up without a father around. I'm damaged goods."

She's undiagnosed, but she clearly intuit's that something's way wrong, which makes it all the more sad. She can't stop herself, even though she knows it's self-sabatoging. So painful to watch.

My wife is a beautiful, intelligent, professionally sucessesful woman who has a wonderful energy and warmth about her (when she's not dysregulated). But an unloving, dysfunctional upbringing makes her incapable of sustaining intimacy. Accepting that about her has been one of the most difficult aspects of all of this. It's terribly sad knowing that someone you love is just too wounded to maintain the loving, close relationships they've lacked their whole life and deserve to have.

[wavelife]

It is very sad what it does to their lives.

Forgetting about the hurt and pain that they caused us I look back at my BPDw's life and two years is the number.  Every job, every job change, every school attended, every relationship and almost every town... .two years is the maximum time she has lasted at anything.

Her life is like a yoyo of change... .never satisfied or content... .always looking for something else and she has no idea what it is.  It's sad because it has effected so many people including her kids.  I feel sorry for her that she has to live like that.

[klacey3]

Yes it is very sad. If they didn't have BPD their lifes would be happier. Unfortunately there is nothing we can do if they wont help themselves.

My ex wouldn't drive because he believed he wasn't any good and would accidently kill others on the road. I didn't see him on new years because I told him I was going to dress up and he freaked out so much about what to wear that he started an argument and used excuses not to come. The one thing he wants the most is to be loved and not left but it keeps happening to him because no-one will put up with his behaviour and he just doesn't understand it.

[klacey3]

Just found out he sent a message recently to my friend to complain that he saw me on a dating site. His message to her was 2 sentences long with the last sentence saying "just block me"... he must feel so out of control of himself to initiate contact with someone and asking them to block him...

[scgator]

Not long after she abruptly walked out of our relationship, my stbxw said something along the lines of, "I don't know why this is happening. Maybe I'm just doing all this because I grew up without a father around. I'm damaged goods."

She's undiagnosed, but she clearly intuit's that something's way wrong, which makes it all the more sad. She can't stop herself, even though she knows it's self-sabatoging. So painful to watch.

My wife is a beautiful, intelligent, professionally sucessesful woman who has a wonderful energy and warmth about her (when she's not dysregulated). But an unloving, dysfunctional upbringing makes her incapable of sustaining intimacy. Accepting that about her has been one of the most difficult aspects of all of this. It's terribly sad knowing that someone you love is just too wounded to maintain the loving, close relationships they've lacked their whole life and deserve to have.

This really resonates with me. It describes how I've felt at times almost to a T. My ex has said similar things, it's almost like she gets brief glimpses of herself destroying everything but is powerless to stop it. I'm powerless to prevent it. I fight the compulsion to reach out, to try to help, because now I am a trigger so NOTHING I do except stay away will be good for either of us. It is all so terribly sad.

[Mutt]

 Hi SummerStorm,

She never made long-term plans, waited until the last minute to do everything, and made poor decisions that turned other teachers and the principal against her.  And this was all due to her BPD.  If she didn't have BPD or even if she did and was in therapy for it, she may have gotten the job.

I would like to add that a pwBPD also have identity disturbances, lack a stable sense of self, don't know who they are or what the person wants in life and may have frequent job changes, goals, friends etc.

BPD brings with it terrible things that hurt all of us, but it's also very sad how it affect the pwBPD.  

It's sad. I can relate with how a pwBPD can cause us deep wounds and we can also mend our wounds. BPD is treatable and it can be incredibly difficult for the person to overcome BPD. I can also see how a person with mental illness mentor us and teach us lessons about ourselves.

[SummerStorm]

Mutt,

One thing that always stuck out to me was when my one co-worker asked if my former friend BPD really wanted to be a teacher.

She started out on the path to becoming a doctor.  Then, she switched to education.

She once told me that she would like to write curriculum.  Another time, she told me that she would like to work with emotional support kids.

[Mutt]

Mutt,

One thing that always stuck out to me was when my one co-worker asked if my former friend BPD really wanted to be a teacher.

She started out on the path to becoming a doctor.  Then, she switched to education.

She once told me that she would like to write curriculum.  Another time, she told me that she would like to work with emotional support kids.

A lack of sense of self, a pwBPD have chronic feelings of emptiness and feel like they don't exist and find it difficult with letting people get close to them because they feel afraid that people may find that they are nobody. Some say that the person can seem chameleon like with their identity and can change depending with who they are with.

[SummerStorm]

Mutt,

One thing that always stuck out to me was when my one co-worker asked if my former friend BPD really wanted to be a teacher.

She started out on the path to becoming a doctor.  Then, she switched to education.

She once told me that she would like to write curriculum.  Another time, she told me that she would like to work with emotional support kids.

A lack of sense of self, a pwBPD have chronic feelings of emptiness and feel like they don't exist and find it difficult with letting people get close to them because they feel afraid that people may find that they are nobody. Some say that the person can seem chameleon like with their identity and can change depending with who they are with.

Very true.  I've seen pictures of her at family gatherings, wearing a nice, fitted shirt, not a lot of makeup, hair a neutral color.  And then I've seen her in other pictures, with completely different clothing, lots of makeup, hair dyed black and with blue highlights in it.  The way she dressed around me was different than the way she dresses around her boyfriend.

Actually, after she was told to dress more professionally, she basically started dressing like one of my other co-workers.  We had a "twin" day at work, and it was weird how my former friend and my co-worker didn't have any trouble twinning.