Does/did your ex accuse you of being BPD? Did they not see it in themselves?

[crony]

I am really confused on this one. My ex seems to think just about everyone they have been in a relationship with is BPD or NPD, or a sociopath. They think I fall into this spectrum too. They tell everyone this. It got to the point where I started taking online tests because I was second guessing myself. Another one of their exes who I know did the same thing. I am pretty 100% positive neither one of us are BPD or NPD, but what confuses me is how my ex is supposedly so knowledgeable on the subject, yet is a textbook case themselves.

I find myself questioning every story I have heard regarding their past relationships. Every conspiracy over the years regarding former friends and partners who were all out to get them, or who supposedly had personality disorders. My ex appears to be quite the expert on the subject actually. I bet they even read this site and feel they are a perpetual victim.

I honestly cannot tell if these stories are deflections, manipulations, or if they are actually totally oblivious to the fact that they themselves exhibit just about every behavior attributed to someone that has been diagnosed as BPD.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Yes it is called projection.  My ex accused me of the mood swings.  Thing is she had a point because her tantrums would ignite my mood swings.  Once I sorted my reactions out it became quite obvious she was the one unable to keep a stable mood.  Another great one was accusing me of going on dating sites.  Took me a while to figure this one out - in fact it was she that was using the dating sites because suspicion and curiosity got the better of me and I checked and found her profile alive and active.  The best projection of all was during the last recycle.  She kept telling me I was incapable of being on my own.  This was quite extraordinary because I like my solitude.  Well - yes you probably guessed it.  She already had my replacement lined up.  So sad.  So disordered. So crazy.

[LonelyChild]

Yes. She told me I was sick and couldn't control myself. I needed someone to talk to. The thing she was right about was that, eventually, I couldn't control myself. She created so much anger in me it's ridiculous. But I learned to manage it. I *always* stayed calm, no matter what. That's when all hell broke loose, because she couldn't project her bs on me anymore, it was obvious that the issues were on her end. She couldn't handle that, so she found someone else and triangulated, had insane affairs (read my first post) and whatnot.

BPD people are mentally ill way beyond what healthy people can imagine. There's almost no hope at all for them. You have to be a parent or SO to a BPD to understand how insane they really are. No one else can understand it, often not even their therapists. They are absolutely and completely insane, not just "a bit broken."

[LonelyChild]

I honestly cannot tell if these stories are deflections, manipulations, or if they are actually totally oblivious to the fact that they themselves exhibit just about every behavior attributed to someone that has been diagnosed as BPD.

They (at least this is true for my exBPDgf) are unable to reflect on things. There's no past to reflect on. There's only now, and what they feel right this very second. The same thing happens when they attempt to recycle. They don't think "hey, my ex was a good person, maybe we could work things out and be happy." They just feel empty and miss someone who cared, so they starts moving towards that person. There's no reasoning.

[Infared]

My experience was this:

My ex told many, many lies.  I did not.

My ex CONSTANTLY lied by omission. I did not.

My ex cheated on me with (I think), more than one person. I was trusting, faithful and honest.

My ex denied all of her behaviors. I tried to discuss things in an adult, mature manner.

My ex blamed "me" for all of her behaviors.  I tried to discuss things in an adult mature manner.

My ex manipulated anyone she could by playing victim, lying and blaming (that included her new supply, her parents, her therapist, etc., etc., etc.).

In the end, she ran off with new supply blaming me for all things wrong on planet earth?

I had to slowly enforce absolute NC from this toxic, delusional child. Any interaction with her takes from me. Always.

The only thing I could do in the end was work at saving and taking care of me. This was not at all what I had signed up for,  and it was extremely emotionally painful for me to conclude this, but it became more than apparent that was all that I was left with. Anything else was true insanity.

[LonelyChild]

(Sorry for so many posts)

Actually, now that I think of it, I remmeber my gf saying "you're sick. my mom is sick. you both need therapy. I'm well, you need to stop believeing I'm not"

It's as if she needed people close to her just to have someone to place her broken self into. To have "whole" people around her manage her "self" for her by carrying it inside them. Because she's absolutely empty inside. This is so sad.

[Infern0]

Not of being BPD but she did call me a "psycho" during one of her disregulated rages.

She projects heaps, although she always apologizes once shes calmed down

[thicker skin]

Yes he did... .And took me to numerous psychiatrists, MH nurses and counsellors with his diagnosis's for me.

BPD, NPD, psychopath, sociopath, ADHD, bipolar, multiple personality disorder, PTSD, and conduct disorder, to name but a few. At the time, it really screwed me up. My every word and thought was monitored and scrutinised until I became a shadow of my former self, too afraid to risk another mind mash.

Thankfully, I am completely free of him today, learning that I am an ok human being and venturing into a mostly great world with my head held high. I can say, do, think and feel whatever I like and it's fantastic!

He was nuts... .His psychiatrist told me as much, but to him, the rest of the world had  problem if it didn't mirror or obey him.

[hope2727]

My experience was this:

My ex told many, many lies.  I did not.

My ex CONSTANTLY lied by omission. I did not.

My ex cheated on me with (I think), more than one person. I was trusting, faithful and honest.

My ex denied all of her behaviors. I tried to discuss things in an adult, mature manner.

My ex blamed "me" for all of her behaviors.  I tried to discuss things in an adult mature manner.

My ex manipulated anyone she could by playing victim, lying and blaming (that included her new supply, her parents, her therapist, etc., etc., etc.).

In the end, she ran off with new supply blaming me for all things wrong on planet earth?

I had to slowly enforce absolute NC from this toxic, delusional child. Any interaction with her takes from me. Always.

The only thing I could do in the end was work at saving and taking care of me. This was not at all what I had signed up for,  and it was extremely emotionally painful for me to conclude this, but it became more than apparent that was all that I was left with. Anything else was true insanity.

Ditto. Its very sad really.

[crony]

This is all very interesting, and reaffirming in some weird way. Whether conscious or not, I believe mine has used these accusations for years against myself (and others) in a smear campaign to mutual social circles to destroy my own support structure, while propping up their own. The effect has been that because I have no social circle or support, I feel lost, or stuck.

Some time ago I completely disengaged from all mutual social circles. Some mutual friends that my ex and I shared came with me when they became targets as well. The result is that I now have a support system in place. I don't think I have realised it, but I have been leaving this person for quite some time. I do not care if the narrative to many needs to be that I am the abusive, manipulative ex, I just want to have no ties to them whatsoever anymore...

[thicker skin]

Good for you Crony 

Keep the positives and bin the negatives.

Who really cares what anyone else thinks? It's your life, to do what you wish with.

Good luck with YOUR future. May it be filled with lots of positive, lovely people and fat sunny skies 

[Leaving]

Yes it is called projection.  My ex accused me of the mood swings.  Thing is she had a point because her tantrums would ignite my mood swings.  Once I sorted my reactions out it became quite obvious she was the one unable to keep a stable mood.  Another great one was accusing me of going on dating sites.  Took me a while to figure this one out - in fact it was she that was using the dating sites because suspicion and curiosity got the better of me and I checked and found her profile alive and active.  The best projection of all was during the last recycle.  She kept telling me I was incapable of being on my own.  This was quite extraordinary because I like my solitude.  Well - yes you probably guessed it.  She already had my replacement lined up.  So sad.  So disordered. So crazy.

Projection is exactly what it is and I have been accused of being aggressive, abusive, bipolar and more.  Sometimes I've been so upset that I thought I was going to spontaneously combust but it's important to remain calm and just agree and remove yourself from the altercation.  My counselors told me that it's very common for BPD people to target their partners and bait them into fights in order to get us to express the anger that they can't and they taught me ways to de-escalate my husband but to be honest, most things they suggested didn't work because once he was on the warpath it was difficult to escape.  It's hell because no matter how upset I get, I can't lose my cool.  One time, I threw the remote at him and it hit his cheek and slightly scratched it and he played the abuse card and even told his counselor that I almost caused him to lose an eye. It's difficult to stand there and allow him to accuse me of the very things he is- negligent, abusive, aggressive, irresponsible.  It's far from the truth and so difficult to hear him accuse me when I've tolerated so much pain and suffering through the years from him. ALways remember that no matter how bad it is, you can walk away- at least temporarily until things cool down.

It's normal to question if we are doing something that causes their behavior.  If you're questioning it, then you're most likely not the problem because people who are questioning, are people who are willing to change their behavior.   My BPD husband has never once questioned whether he was sick.  When he was diagnosed with NPD/BPD, he ignored the counselors and began talking about how he had adhd and needed more yoga and kale.  He is in complete denial. 

[CloseToFreedom]

My exgf was pretty much convinced I was the one with borderline, and said this every now and then during arguments. It was infuriating. Especially since she studied for all this stuff. Instead of seeing it in herself, she thought I was the one with the problem. Just thinking about it makes my blood boil, to be honest.

[Leaving]

My exgf was pretty much convinced I was the one with borderline, and said this every now and then during arguments. It was infuriating. Especially since she studied for all this stuff. Instead of seeing it in herself, she thought I was the one with the problem. Just thinking about it makes my blood boil, to be honest.

People who lack insight into themselves are frustrating whether they are sick or not. Dealing with that kind of daily frustration usually results in anger and this is why BPDrd people have volatile relationships with people. I think we would have to be abnormal to tolerate BP behavior without getting angry.  My mother also has NPD/BPD and I recently visited her and it just amazed me how she projects her parenting onto others now and lacks insight into how she raised me.  She recently said,  ' Disgusting!' that parents today befriend their children but don't provide proper guidance.  I almost fell out of my chair because growing up she constantly told me, ' I'm your best friend.  Most parents are not friends with their children but  you and I have a special friendship and I don't need to control you"  I said, ' Wow  mom, so what caused your change of heart on this topic?" and she got a very confused look on her face and then I reminded her about how she had raised me.  At this point in my life, I don't get defensive and with her because I know she's mentally ill and that she will never ever live in the real world but it hurts to realize how she hurt me as a child.  I never had any boundaries or structure.  I was the parent and very lonely and very exhausted most of the time.  I showed her a picture of me when I was ten or so and I had terribly dark circles under my eyes, I looked very sad and pale ( unusual for me since I have olive/dark skin) and I sort of joked about how I looked anemic and like I had been on a drinking binge for several days and then pointed out that I was already exhausted from living with her by age ten and she began laughing.  She thinks it's hilarious.  In fact, she thinks that all the horrible stuff she put her kids through is hilarious.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I was accused of being "emotionally abusive" in his farewell e-mail to me.  This is because I had the nerve to tell him that I had become sick from anxiety trying to meet his needs and avoid criticizing him.

[Yolanda123]

He did not accuse me of being BPD (I don't think he knows what BPD is) but he accused me of:

- Being a ''crap initiator'' (I am a very laid back person, don't like conflict and never initiated a fight during our entire r/s). Even when he was gaslighting me, I never got angry, always tried to resolve things calmly and respectfully.

- Being unfaithful and ''trying to seduce every man but him''.

- He did not accuse me directly of being a liar, but he was very suspiscious and doubted me on almost every subject possible.

- Being a fake (he cried so many times during our Relationship and I always comforted him, reassured him - I cried a few times only in the last weeks of our r/s when it had become hell and he told me mine were crocodile tears).

These are just a few of his many projections... .