Intuition, Self-Doubt and Confusion

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Boy it was a tough day today.  Day 2 since she moved out.  I went through some old papers that needed to be gone through related to US.  It all started out ok but a ½ hour later I was a complete wreck, like I want off the planet. 

I decided to go through the last 2 years of my journals so that I could regain perspective.  I wrote those journals specifically for a day like today, to remind me of the exact circumstances of what was happening and why. (A little pat on my back for taking care of myself on that one)

The journals were written well before I knew anything of BPD and if I had no knowledge of BPD today I would be deeper in the pit of despair.  But as I read those notes I could see BPD in our interactions as clear as day.  I even got an answer to one of my most gnawing unanswered questions; why does she always insist that I tell her my feelings FIRST!  She answered that question 1 year ago and I could not believe what I wrote; ‘because she feels like I am abandoning her when I don’t tell her first’.  Literally that is what she said.  How weird is that!  Do these people even know how BPD they are!

To the point of the title of my post.  I had an awesome T for about 1-year, unfortunately deceased.  Although she knew not about BPD she was so gifted that she gave all the right responses.  I wanted to share one with this board as I think it will help others with understanding some of the same crappy feelings we had and do still have.

The message T gave me is; when I doubt my intuition I am in essence accepting my view as faulty and creating a storehouse of anxiety and confusion.  In reflecting on why I second guess all my observations, even when my mind knows I was at least partially correct (more self-doubt?), and ruminate about what I could have done differently, this is the one variable that is constant; not trusting my insides and finding a way to circumvent myself and my perceptions.  Pretty sure I did this as a subversive form of control, hoping that agreement with her POV would calm the waters.

I spent 10 married years trying to believe her when she told me that I did not see things correctly and that I was projecting childhood fears on to her.  This was really confusing for me to sort out intellectually and emotionally.  My confusion emanated from three areas:

1)   She is partially correct, I was transferring childhood fears onto her

2)   The fear I was having was legitimate, even if I was transferring some of my own

3)   The self-doubt being generated in the marriage mirrored the same dynamic from my FOO and thereby kept me locked in an endless cycle of trying to figure out if she was right and that I was projecting or was I right and seeing where she was generating craziness

It was an argument that would never end and try as I did, I could not generate enough internal stability to respond in a CONSISTENTLY coherent fashion when we were in the midst of it all.  All I knew was “something is not right”, but could not figure it out.

One last thing the T told me that I plan to hold in my memory; I was not so afraid of my uBPDw acting out as I was afraid that I was as defenseless as a child in my reception of her behaviors. 

A lot to chew on!

Felt I had better post here because it literally is the only place I feel balanced about all the craziness.

[joeramabeme]

Boy it was a tough day today.  Day 2 since she moved out.  I went through some old papers that needed to be gone through related to US.  It all started out ok but a ½ hour later I was a complete wreck, like I want off the planet. 

I decided to go through the last 2 years of my journals so that I could regain perspective.  I wrote those journals specifically for a day like today, to remind me of the exact circumstances of what was happening and why. (A little pat on my back for taking care of myself on that one)

The journals were written well before I knew anything of BPD and if I had no knowledge of BPD today I would be deeper in the pit of despair.  But as I read those notes I could see BPD in our interactions as clear as day.  I even got an answer to one of my most gnawing unanswered questions; why does she always insist that I tell her my feelings FIRST!  She answered that question 1 year ago and I could not believe what I wrote; ‘because she feels like I am abandoning her when I don’t tell her first’.  Literally that is what she said.  How weird is that!  Do these people even know how BPD they are!

To the point of the title of my post.  I had an awesome T for about 1-year, unfortunately deceased.  Although she knew not about BPD she was so gifted that she gave all the right responses.  I wanted to share one with this board as I think it will help others with understanding some of the same crappy feelings we had and do still have.

The message T gave me is; when I doubt my intuition I am in essence accepting my view as faulty and creating a storehouse of anxiety and confusion.  In reflecting on why I second guess all my observations, even when my mind knows I was at least partially correct (more self-doubt?), and ruminate about what I could have done differently, this is the one variable that is constant; not trusting my insides and finding a way to circumvent myself and my perceptions.  Pretty sure I did this as a subversive form of control, hoping that agreement with her POV would calm the waters.

I spent 10 married years trying to believe her when she told me that I did not see things correctly and that I was projecting childhood fears on to her.  This was really confusing for me to sort out intellectually and emotionally.  My confusion emanated from three areas:

1)   She is partially correct, I was transferring childhood fears onto her

2)   The fear I was having was legitimate, even if I was transferring some of my own

3)   The self-doubt being generated in the marriage mirrored the same dynamic from my FOO and thereby kept me locked in an endless cycle of trying to figure out if she was right and that I was projecting or was I right and seeing where she was generating craziness

It was an argument that would never end and try as I did, I could not generate enough internal stability to respond in a CONSISTENTLY coherent fashion when we were in the midst of it all.  All I knew was “something is not right”, but could not figure it out.

One last thing the T told me that I plan to hold in my memory; I was not so afraid of my uBPDw acting out as I was afraid that I was as defenseless as a child in my reception of her behaviors. 

A lot to chew on!

Felt I had better post here because it literally is the only place I feel balanced about all the craziness.

[rotiroti]

The message T gave me is; when I doubt my intuition I am in essence accepting my view as faulty and creating a storehouse of anxiety and confusion.

Joe, your T sounds super awesome! I really wish I had journaled my process... .

Pretty sure I did this as a subversive form of control, hoping that agreement with her POV would calm the waters.

You know thinking back, this is what I believed too. Reflecting back I was essentially erasing my own self of self in hopes that I could appease my partner

1)   She is partially correct, I was transferring childhood fears onto her

2)   The fear I was having was legitimate, even if I was transferring some of my own

3)   The self-doubt being generated in the marriage mirrored the same dynamic from my FOO and thereby kept me locked in an endless cycle of trying to figure out if she was right and that I was projecting or was I right and seeing where she was generating craziness

this is some powerful insight! My ex would load her anger with personal secrets I've only shared with her... .especially about my traumas. Man those cut deep and they still hurt to this day.

Keep on trucking Joe. Thank you for sharing your experience! Gives me lots of hope

[apollotech]

The journals were written well before I knew anything of BPD and if I had no knowledge of BPD today I would be deeper in the pit of despair.  But as I read those notes I could see BPD in our interactions as clear as day.  I even got an answer to one of my most gnawing unanswered questions; why does she always insist that I tell her my feelings FIRST!  She answered that question 1 year ago and I could not believe what I wrote; ‘because she feels like I am abandoning her when I don’t tell her first’.  Literally that is what she said.  How weird is that!  Do these people even know how BPD they are!

Hey Joe,

The more that you learn about BPD, the more transparent it becomes as to how it was guiding the relationship.

Hang in there, and take care of yourself! Your T gave great life advice!

[Mutt]

Hi Joe,

I'm sorry to hear about your T I can appreciate finding an awesome T that synchronizes with me. That's great advice.

It was an argument that would never end and try as I did, I could not generate enough internal stability to respond in a CONSISTENTLY coherent fashion when we were in the midst of it all.  All I knew was “something is not right”, but could not figure it out.

I can understand the confusion and frustration with trying to keep the peace in a marriage and knowing that there's something wrong and you don't know what it is and we find the missing piece of this confusing experience- it's called Borderline Personality Disorder.

I think things have to be emotionally raw right now and my advice is to take baby steps. It takes time to fit the pieces of the puzzle. Keep sharing and posting to keep you grounded and balanced  


Hang in there.


----Mutt

[twanda2020]

I have been really struggling lately. Lots of self-doubt, is this NC thing really best? Then I think about the fact that my Ex is on the 2nd replacement (in a year, also 2nd love of her life) and they are moving into together only after a couple of months. So then I get angry and hurt. It was early November of last year that my Ex initiated contact, after the 1st replacement dumped my Ex. I had been in NC for a month and was doing well. Then the suicide talk started and the I miss you talk. she laid it on thick too. I fell right back into all of it. Helped the Ex emotionally, financially. I agreed to being friends and work on our communication issues and see where it goes. Then some how some way in the all the emotional lows, sleeping all the time, etc the Ex manages to find someone. There was that shift. I knew something was up but the Ex didn't want to say. Not until I got triggered so then it could be turned around on me and I am the evil, controlling monster, and get info how happy the Ex is with the new replacement. Really pisses me off, and it's me I am pissed at. Because I would be further along on the healing process if I would have not taken the bait, stood my ground. Given the Ex the suicide hotline number. So hard to not talk to someone you spent nearly 19 years in a relationship with. I go from this is the best thing not talking and focusing on me, to this sucks I really should make contact. I did say we could be friends. Then I go back to I can't be friends right now because I am still to easily upset by all this. The other thing is I know I need to be going out and making friends, but there is a good chance I may run into them. The circle I run in is not a super big one. Sit at home ruminating in all this is not good, but I am not emotionally ready for the F2F chance meeting. I gave up so much for this unhealthy relationship. I don't really have any close friends right now. I have a few people I can call , but they live in another town. I want to get out there and make friends, meet people, maybe even go on a casual date, since I need some dating practice, though don't feel ready for a relationship yet. I know I have to work through all this. I need to allow myself to feel what I am feeling and let it go. I been doing lots of reading and mediating. This site has helped a lot. I try to remind myself that my Ex is doing what she thinks is best for her. I am trying hard to forgive and let go. I just wish sometimes it would happen faster, cause I am so ready to be done with all of it. Haha... .then there is that, is it really over? When things fall apart for the Ex who will she call? So madding, not sure how everyone on here stays sane. Sharing, journaling, and therapy seem to be some good steps to recovery. Thanks for letting me share.