Re-reading past chat transcripts - BAD IDEA - feeling guilty.

[Darsha500]

Hi all,

I was just browsing through my outbox and spied upon some old emails to my ex. I thought to myself, "maybe i should read through our old chat transcripts so i can get some added perspective on our relationship." In hindsight, probably not such a good idea. Rereading those transcripts messed me up!

One thing I saw immediately was all of the warning signs and foreshadowing to our dysfunctional relationship. She told me repeatedly about her patterns, her symptoms, how they could affect me, how things always ended up for her, the insanity of her then current relationship, and even early indicators of my flimsy boundaries. When I first was conversing with her, I had no idea of the significance of what she was saying to me - I hadn't experienced it for myself yet. But what i did do was accept her, faults and all. I was just loving to her, straight away. I told her she was worthy of love and she was precious regardless of how horrible her past was, and assured her that things could get better - lending her tons of books I've read, and encouraging her with all the insights I've learned from dealing with my own psychological issues.

It does help me to see, though, thats things proceeded exactly as they were destined to. I was acting out of my nature, and she out of hers. But I'm just surprised by all of the warnings she gave me. Back then she seemed not to far from normal, after all she had so much insight into her disorder! - Maybe i was just in denial, hmmm more like inexperienced, she was my first GF afterall.

After reading the transcripts though - which I'm not going to do again because why relive the experience that i am trying to grieve (DOY!) - I was struck by a feeling of guilt. "I abandoned her. She had told me all about what to expect, and I had signed on, and yet in the end, I abandoned her." I found myself thinking, "I should contact her, (I'm doing NC) I should at least be her friend, she must be feeling so awful, I should be there for her, like I set out to be in the beginning... ."

Gosh man, Its just that I revisited her pain. And I want to be a psychotherapist; I have this desire to help heal people. But, now that I'm feeling a bit more rational, I realize that i can't do that. I cant be her friend, it would be too painful for me. And on top of that, it would almost be coming from a place of pity, at least thats how it feels right now. Like, "OH MY GOSH! i need to help her find help and get through this breakup!" DUDE! I am weird.

But yah, the guilt feeling was real. But I'm under no obligation. BLAH! Lots feelings... .Helps me realize how traumatic this whole experience has been, and that I truly need to take it easy on myself as I grieve. 

[Learning_curve74]

Good insight, Darsha5000! 

Our feelings don't have to be facts. In fact our feelings aren't wrong, they just are. What we think the basis of our feelings may be wrong however. For example, somebody may feel angry because they think their spouse is cheating on them but there's no cheating going on, yet the anger is still real! And that's OK, we get to choose how we deal with it.

All our lives we learn certain behaviors that become second nature. Like you, I wanted to help my BPD ex-gf. Yet in retrospect, it's how much she helps herself that will define her life. We are not born martyrs.

So... .Inquiring minds want to know. Did you delete the old emails or not? Why?

[Darsha500]

Thanks for your feedback.

I'm now asking myself, "why keep the emails and records?"

Before rereading the transcript last night, I had been contemplating looking over them again, just to see if It might provide me with any insight and help me get over her faster. A friend pointed out that doing so would be the equivalent of floging myself. A warning I neglected to heed.

Deleting the records would be a self-protective measure, just like NC. Yet, though I am typing this, my attitude is not one of: "I'm gonna delete the emails right now." I'm quite reluctant actually.

i suppose it is me still holding on to a part of her. Yes! The memories. But there not really the best of memories. Or, at least, the good ones are interspersed with bad ones, and they can't be teased apart within the records.

In this moment, I don't feel compelled to delete them. I don't think I'll be rereading them anytime soon. It was to painful to do so. Hmmmmm.

[Learning_curve74]

"No contact", and by extension keeping these emails or not (reading them over is like contact in a passive sense), is just a tool that you can use for detachment and healing depending. I can use a hammer to nail down a loose floorboard or I can use the same hammer to hit myself in the face, two entirely different results, one productive the other not so much.

It's OK and positive to be loving and kind. To truly be able to share that in a positive way, we must also be loving and kind to ourselves. Have you read about the "FOG"? It stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. Just like the physical fog, it can obscure our vision and lead us in dangerous directions. Are you feeling these things?

[rotiroti]

You can still be an empathetic person and have firm boundaries (not be overloaded with fear, obligation, and guilt). What I realized about my r/s with my BPDex was the absolute lack of boundaries. While I was at work there was always a clear boundary between patients and myself, you can insert yourself into their shoes when delivering bad news or sharing happy moments, but at the end of the day you were your own person. This was compared to my ex where I was mirrored and felt like I had met my soulmate. So naturally when she was raging i felt tremendous guilt and feelings of obligation... .I felt almost as if I had let myself down. If there is someone who thinks like me, then how could I not fix that? At some points I even felt like I could be the only one to understand and fix her, when in reality it was only her that could do that.



give yourself credit for having the strength to walk away from an incompatible relationship!

[HappyNihilist]

I'm sorry you're feeling guilty about your ex's pain and suffering.   That's a terrible feeling.

Guilt is such a pervasive but useless emotion. Think of it - feeling anxious and bad about things we can't control or change. Because there's no possible way for us to alleviate the cause of our guilt (we can't undo the past or change someone else), we stay mired in it.

It's ok to feel sorrow that your ex suffers. You're empathetic and you care a great deal about her. It's completely understandable.

But, as you're beginning to see, taking on the task of "rescuing" and "fixing" will not help her (or you), and won't change anything about her behavior unless she makes the decision to change. It is out of your control. When you radically accept this, your feelings of guilt will ease tremendously.

Also, looking within yourself for why you feel the need to rescue and fix (not a bad thing!) will also be helpful.

You didn't abandon her. You loved her, and you tried. You're right - you do need to take it easy on yourself as you grieve, detach, and heal. 

In this moment, I don't feel compelled to delete them. I don't think I'll be rereading them anytime soon. It was to painful to do so. Hmmmmm.

If you don't feel compelled to delete them, then don't. Maybe you could set up another email account and forward the transcripts/emails to that one, then delete them from your main account? Or save them as documents and upload them to a Dropbox account? That way you could keep them but they would be at a distance.

Because they are a part of your history, and I completely understand not wanting to delete them but also not wanting to read them. I kept most of the emails and text exchanges between me and my exBPDbf (in a Dropbox account), but I haven't looked at any of them in a long time. I'm glad I didn't delete them, though.

[SGraham]

Yeah im kinda the same way. I have to be careful otherwise i end up accidentally emotionally torturing myself with stuff like that.

[sas1729]

It's interesting that you bring up having old transcripts. Through gmail I have the old emails and gchats. A little over a month ago (I think) I looked at them. As I read different conversations I could see the fights unfolding. I could see the same old pattern of fighting. I even got a sense of the bracing feeling I had. Except this time it was different. I was annoyed at myself. I was upset that I allowed myself to be in this situation.

As for your feelings of guilt - whatever she said to warn you does not excuse what happened in your relationship. She may have genuinely tried to control her feelings and actions, but whatever happened happened. Hopefully with time and therapy your ex may learn to cope with BPD, but unfortunately it doesn't sound like that was the case during your relationship. It does sound like you tried to be supportive, but everyone has a breaking point. I think BPD is tragic in many ways, but the pain that you felt is real. And you did try, so you're under no obligation to feel guilty. You tried your best and it wasn't good enough. It seems to be a pattern in relationships with pwBPD.

I didn't delete my copy of the transcripts. I also have all of the old photographs from throughout the relationship saved. They are part of my history, and as someone said it may be nice to have it someday.