adult child of a BPD parent

[chopins_ocean]

Hello there,

I've registered on this site in hope of getting support to address the relational "splitting" between my sibling and I, (our relationship has, for the most part, been loving, respectful and supportive) that I attribute to our BPD parent. I struggle with intense feelings of anger in response to this parent and now find myself "hating" them more triggering so much pain between my sister and I. I'm quite scared that my sibling relationship may not be able to endure the tension and trauma caused by our BPD parent. I need avenues, outside my my family to work through these complex feelings.

Anyhow, that's the gist of my story.

[borderdude]

I am gonna follow this thread , my mum was a biploar , but I strongly suspect BPD after learning from this site. I just wonder if my upbringing as a kid of a single BPD/bipolar had big impact on my situation.

[Kwamina]

Hi chopins_ocean and welcome to bpdfamily

When you talk about the relational "splitting" between your sister and you, do you mean that your BPD parent treats one of you as all-good and the other as all-bad? Are you referring to the BPD-behavior known as 'splitting':

Splitting refers to a primitive defense mechanism characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection.

Splitting is a powerful unconscious force that manifests to protect against anxiety. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil, and the often confused reactions by those who try to help.

Some degree of splitting is an expectable part of early mental development. It is seen in young children who, early on, press to be told "Is it good?" or "Is it bad?"  We hear their frustration when we answer, "Situations are more complicated" "Yes, I know all that," they say, "now tell me, is it good or is it bad?"

Normally, mental maturing advances the ego's ability to accept paradoxical affects, and to synthesize and balance complex situations.

... .

Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorders live in an immature psychological world, fueled by certain constitutional vulnerabilities, where they attempt to shield themselves from conflict and anxiety by splitting the world into all good and all bad. Although this produces an sense of psychological safety, in fact, it renders relationships fragile and chaotic and drives away the very people who are so badly needed to provide stability in the borderlines life.

You can read more here: BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Could you tell us some more about the things your BPD parent does that you find difficult to deal with?

BPD is quite a difficult disorder and it isn't easy being the child of a BPD parent. I am glad you are reaching out for support here because many of our members know what i'ts like to have a BPD parent and will be able to give you advice.

[chopins_ocean]

By "splitting" I'm referring to my mothers behaviours that seem to push one of us (sisters) in the "good" camp while the other is pushed into "bad" camp. Right now, I'm a "bad" girl because I don't accommodate my BPD parent. I fight back and always have (especially when I'm triggered e.g., feeling invaded by my mother, cornered, invalidated, shamed etc) while my sibling accommodates our mother when she's triggered. My sister and I are having a particularly hard time, because my "fight back" self is triggering my sisters attachment anxiety and she's expressed worry that my "fighter" self will close the door on my mother and abandon my sister, leaving her all alone to take care of crazy mom. We're also immigrants with no family support in Canada.

BPD is so complex. Despite our overall success in life, school, relationships... .our BPD mom continues to have the power to make us feel like scared, helpless, children... .Arghhhh... .

[Kwamina]

BPD is so complex. Despite our overall success in life, school, relationships... .our BPD mom continues to have the power to make us feel like scared, helpless, children... .Arghhhh... .

Would you say your mother uses things such as fear, obligation and guilt to intimidate and control you and your sister? If so, you might find this article we have interesting:

Fear, Obligation And Guilt (FOG): How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

Here's a short excerpt:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.