Any ideas?

[loosingout]

I have an adult daughter who was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago.  She initially was accepting of going to treatment but then backed out since she did not believe in all this 'nonsense'. 

I recently gave up my job and moved to the city she lives in hoping to give her a home and some stability.  She works from home on projects as she gets them.  With both of us being cooped up in a small 2-bedroom apartment I am loosing it.  I cannot stand the expletives she calls me and frequently tells me she wishes I was dead.  I am always to blame for everything and just normal interactions trips her up. 

How wise is it for me to take off on my own and leave her to herself.  She has no ability to support herself and has many if not all the BPD behavior traits.  It is reaching a point where it is affecting my health.  I am single clsoe to retirement and have no one to turn to.  I have a sister who tries to tell me it is all my fault.  Just don't know what to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi loosingout

I am glad you are reaching out for support here. BPD is quite a challenging disorder and dealing with a child with BPD can really take it's toll on you.

I have an adult daughter who was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago.  She initially was accepting of going to treatment but then backed out since she did not believe in all this 'nonsense'.  

It's unfortunate that your daughter backed out of treatment. Do you at least feel that she does accept her BPD diagnosis and acknowledges that there's something wrong with behavior? What kind of therapy would she have gotten?

With both of us being cooped up in a small 2-bedroom apartment I am loosing it.  I cannot stand the expletives she calls me and frequently tells me she wishes I was dead.  I am always to blame for everything and just normal interactions trips her up.  

This isn't pleasant at all. You moved there to try and help your daughter and are now frequently dealing with abuse. I am sorry you are in this situation.

How wise is it for me to take off on my own and leave her to herself.  She has no ability to support herself and has many if not all the BPD behavior traits.  It is reaching a point where it is affecting my health.  I am single clsoe to retirement and have no one to turn to.  I have a sister who tries to tell me it is all my fault.  Just don't know what to do.

There are certain communication techniques such as validation that might help you in your interactions with your daughter. And also other techniques aimed at ending the cycle of conflict might be helpful.

Considering her abusive behavior and how it's affecting your health, I think that setting and enforcing boundaries with your daughter is crucial, no matter how you decide to move forward. Boundaries are primarily aimed at protecting and preserving your own well-being. Do you feel comfortable setting and enforcing boundaries with your daughter? You can read more about this subject here:

Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

Examples of boundaries

Take care

[loosingout]

Hi Kwamina

Thank you so much for your support and all the material you have pointed me to.  It is a blessing to simply have someone on the other end who understands.

":)o you at least feel that she does accept her BPD diagnosis and acknowledges that there's something wrong with behavior? What kind of therapy would she have gotten?"

At this point I don't think she thinks there is anything wrong with her.  According to her I am the one with issues.  The other day we pulled up into parking stop and I ran to the bank while she waited in the car.  When I got back the car was gone.  Knowing how fickle she is I thought she drove away because it took me a bit longer at the bank.  After walking around the block a few times, I headed back to the bank and found that she had pulled up and parked nearer to the bank.  I was frustrated and asked her why she could not have come into the bank and let me know she had re-parked.  This set her off into a major incident with a lot of banging of doors, name calling and wanting to run away (a common factor).  I later decided to take on the blame and apologize.  To which her response was "about time, you were such a mean b----', her recollection of the incident was that I was having a melt down. 

So bottom line she does not even realize her crazy behavior, on the contrary she turns the tables on me.  I am afraid to even suggest she has BPD - that would be a major drama and incident.

As for boundaries, I will read up what you have sent.  But my way of setting it is ignoring her behavior.  If I really were to set it, there would be major drama in the house, disturbing my peace even more, not to mention our neighbors in this apartment. 

[Kwamina]

Hi again loosingout

The other day we pulled up into parking stop and I ran to the bank while she waited in the car.  When I got back the car was gone.  Knowing how fickle she is I thought she drove away because it took me a bit longer at the bank.  After walking around the block a few times, I headed back to the bank and found that she had pulled up and parked nearer to the bank.  I was frustrated and asked her why she could not have come into the bank and let me know she had re-parked.  This set her off into a major incident with a lot of banging of doors, name calling and wanting to run away (a common factor).

I can see why you would find her moving the car frustrating. Particularly in cases like this, the material about validation and things we can do ourselves to end the cycle of conflict, can be very helpful:

Nowhere is the communication skill of validation more important than in interfacing with highly sensitive individuals, individuals with low self esteem or individuals who are easily intimidated.  This is a very valuable tool for dealing with people with Borderline Personality Disorder.

To validate someone's feelings is first to accept someone's feelings - and then to understand them - and finally to nurture them. To validate is to acknowledge and accept a person. Invalidation, on the other hand, is to reject, ignore, or judge.

Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse.

Someone has to be first. This means generating the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are destructive to the relationship.

To the right hand side of this board you'll also see several tools. One of them says ':)on't react, respond with S.E.T.' The acronym S.E.T. stands for Support, Empathy and Truth:

The S.E.T. communication pattern was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus for communication with a person with BPD (pwBPD). It consists of a 3 step sequence where first Support is signaled, then Empathy is demonstrated and in a third step Truth is offered.

Few tools are easier to learn as S.E.T. and are as effective in getting across to a pwBPD. Few tools are as universal in everyday life with anyone. It is sort of an walking-on-eggshell antidote.

S.E.T. can help you minimize the likelihood of (further) conflict while maximizing the chance of getting through to your daughter. Using the S.E.T. pattern of communicating can also help you stay more calm and focused yourself. We have a workshop about S.E.T. as well: COMMUNICATION: S.E.T. technique

[loosingout]

Thanks Kwamina for reminding me what is really going on.  This helps me get out of myself and my reaction and be empathetic. 

[loosingout]

Hi Kwamina

Just wanted to ask you how I respond when the lashing out is against me.  For example she has found out that I reach out to some of my friends when I am attacked.  She may have even got wind of this communication (she has the password to my email and laptop).  Then out of the blue she pouts and starts attacking me for "turning on my own child".  How do I validate this?  If I tell her I am sorry she says "No you are not.  You keep doing the same ___.  You are not sorry".  She does not seem to recognize how much I still do for her when I really do not have to over stretch myself when she is 33 yrs old.  I really don't know how to use these tools under these circumstance - when her biggest grip under all circumstance is against me.  How do I validate and say "I know how you feel".  I just know her response - "You obviously don't - you hypocrite".  So I cannot move through 'Validation and empathy'

Just so lost.

[Kwamina]

Hi again loosingout,

There's a time for validation and a time for doing something else. When she turns on you and begins lashing out, I'd say protecting yourself and defending your boundaries is most important then.

Do you believe it is necessary that she has the password to your email and laptop? Would changing one or both of these passwords be an option you would consider?

You might benefit from our workshop about how to stop circular arguments. At it's core it boils down to 'don't J.A.D.E.': don't Justify Argue Defend or Explain. You can find the workshop here:

COMMUNICATION: How to stop circular arguments

I hope you'll find this helpful!

[thefixermom]

I'm wondering if something can be done to help her have some independent income.  What about your state or county?  Would she qualify for some low income help?  Food stamps?  Social security supplemental income?  Low income housing?  Anything to lift the burden a bit from you and maybe give you some hope that she can one day be on her own again.  Is it possible for you to afford to rent her a room in someone else's home eventually?  As I read your post, I longed for you to have your own life and space. My DD38 recently moved out of the house and the more time that goes by the more convicted I am at never letting her move back in again. The barrage of insults, judgments, rages, and just plain taking over most of our living space with messes took a bigger toll on me than I realized till after she had left.  Once upon a time I considered uprooting and moving to the city she was in, too, and taking care of her, thinking it would heal our relationship once and for all.  Thankfully, I did not make that move as I have now seen several cases where mothers did that only to be met with the same ongoing unappreciative accusations and no understanding of the loving sacrifices made on their behalf.  I'm glad you have friends with which to vent and seek support from... .and I agree that you NEED to have your own email password! That's basic human privacy.  Are you afraid to change it?   

[lbjnltx]

Hi loosingout 

Kwamina has given you a lot of useful information.  I had the same info when I first came here and had great difficulty having any success in using it until I set some boundaries to protect myself.  Setting boundaries around verbal abuse gave me a sense of control over my own life again, I was able to move out of victimhood, and in this safe space created by my boundaries I was able to learn and practice the other skills like SET, empathy, and validation.

As I was more emotionally safe within my boundaries I was also able to learn more about my daughter's struggles (her thinking errors and belief systems) and depersonalize the verbal attacks.  As I gained perspective and practiced the skills I was able to hold my daughter accountable for her behaviors in a loving way and help her self soothe, problem solve, and use the skills she was learning in therapy.  I was also able to increase my own distress tolerance and stay with her emotionally to work together to help her through rages, self loathing, projecting and negotiating solutions.

Modeling the behaviors you would like to see in your daughter will help you and may even help her. 



lbj

[loosingout]

Thank you all so very sincerely for the pointers.  I had a few days to myself and I was enjoying the peace 

Password change has happened!  She may one day casually ask for it and not sure what that argument will look like.

When my lease is over here, plan is for me to move back - not sure yet how to plan and prepare for that, but that is many months away.

This boundary stuff is tough for me especially holding her accountable.  That said, I am very gently practicing it with some progress. 

Once agin so very grateful to have such a space and folks like you to turn to for support.

Many Many Thanks!