Managing traumatisation

[OneDayItMightBeB]

I just want to ask how to manage feelings of being traumatised

I have been working with a psychologist and have been trying to put in respectful boundaries with my mother who has almost engulfed me since my father died 21 months ago. For 18 months I did everything she wanted but slowly and surely I became completely exhausted. I have never  argued with her but the more I have tried to be assertive and explain how her behaviour makes me feel frightened and overwhelmed the more she has escalated. I have told her that I am 'at capacity' and cannot assist her with her problems but she tells graphic abandonment stories in response.

The more I try to put in boundaries that are respectful the more I feel traumatised by her behaviour.

Does anyone have any practical solutions to the anticipatory anxiety before she calls me (she lives interstate) or the days of exhaustion that follow her calls. This exhaustion affects my ability to parent my children with purpose?  I use every technique the psychologist has taught me and don't get involved in any drama but the concentration and emotional energy to do so makes me feel sick.

[Kwamina]

Hi OneDayItMightBeB

I am sorry to hear you lost your father 21 months ago. Losing a parent is never easy. Do you feel you've been properly able to mourn this loss, given what's going on with your mother?

Your mother's behavior seems to be really taking its toll on you. Setting strong boundaries with her and firmly defending them does seem very wise to protect your own well-being. When you try to put boundaries in place, how do you usually do that? We have several resources here about boundaries that might help you in setting and defending your boundaries:

Article: Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

Workshop: Examples of boundaries

Here's an excerpt from the article about boundaries:

Boundaries are how we define our values to others.   A boundary is nothing more than the outer perimeters of our independent core values -  it's like a fence  - anything inside the boundary is consistent with our core values and anything outside the boundary is not.  For example, if your independent core value is "always to be respectful of others" a boundary question might be "would abruptly walking out of the room when someone says something offensive be inside or outside of your definition of this value?"  It's not always obvious as we all see things differently.  As you can quickly see, with values, we have a significant responsibility to lead, educate and inform others - we must walk the walk, have effective communication and be consistent.

To help you deal with your anxiety it perhaps can help to look into meditation and more generally, mindfulness practices. Have you ever tried these things? We have an article here about mindfulness:

What is mindfulness all about?  In the simplest sense, we all develop, from time to time, thinking patterns that do not serve us well.  When we do, we are easily "triggered" - having non-constructive reactions to specific words or actions based on prior experiences.  We've all been there - in resentment, pessimism, defensiveness, impatience, closed mindedness, distrust, intolerance, confrontational, defeat... .

Mindfulness is a type of self-awareness in which we learn to observe ourselves in real time to see and alter our reactions to be more constructive.

You can read the entire article here: Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

How would you classify your mother's behavior before your dad died? Did she already exhibit problematic behavior then or did this only start after your father's death?

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

[HappyChappy]

Sorry to hear about the loss of your farther. It must be tough enough for you without taking on your mother's stresses. I would echo Kwamina's advice on boundary setting, but also say that a helpful boundary can be to take more control over these phone calls. What would be the best time for you to take these ? What would be the best frequency for you ? Taking control of that may help.

Sounds like lower contact may suite you right now, until you can re-charge. You don’t even need to tell your BPD you need less contact time (my BPD would just argue the toss on that) it can just happen slowly over time, due to various circumstances. Wishing you peace (slowly over time).  

[Pina colada]

I am sorry for the loss of your father.  I am sorry for the trauma you are feeling from your mother.  It is hard to deal with a family member with a PD.  Have you tried Low Contact?  I have had to go No Contact with my dBPD sister as she trampled so many boundaries.  You must put your mental health first.  I wish you luck in your quest to heal.