A deepened sense of compassion as the result of my failed BPD relationship.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

"Forgive them, for they know not what they do."

I've been reflecting on compassion and forgiveness.

Going through the grieving process, I cannot help but experience surges of anger, and vindictive rage. I think about the nasty ways she treated me, about how she had cheated on me in a really repulsive way with her ex. How she even showed me the grotesque pictures from the situation, as if that were necessary. Then I think about the things I "should" have said:

"Your f*cking crazy! Don't you see how insane you are!"

The thought that has been occurring repeatedly is, in fact, "she is f@cking insane." But then I have to remind myself to finish that thought. "She is f@cking insane... .And I love her."

One of the greatest gifts I think I have gotten from this failed relationship is a deepened sense of compassion.

I reflect now back on that initial quote I opened with: "forgive them for they know not what they do."

I think those words are worth reflecting on when in the pangs of grief. I have to remind myself that this person is severely ill. I have to remind myself of the tragic circumstances under which my ex was brought up.

Actually, I was doing my mandated reporter training for work yesterday and it was outlining the various forms of child abuse. I was brought to tears. It made me so angry, thinking of all the torment she endured growing up. I thought, though this relationship would never have happened if it were not for her upbringing - as, in the grand scheme of things, it was definitely her BPD that brought us together - and I am very grateful for our relationship, I would give it up in a heart beat to spare her from the abuse she endured.

I also have to remind myself of the determinants of her behavior. I'm not saying that the behavior of a borderline is predetermined, of course free will is involved. Yet, the biological underpinnings of the disorder are undeniable. I have to remember that her brain is not "right," it is not normal - it is abnormal. And her brain is abnormal partly due to the horrific environment in which it was formed.

It follows from here that her abnormal brain, being the seat of her consciousness, the source of her being, is largely responsible for her abnormal behavior.

I'm reminded here of something I just heard in a video hosted on this site. A psychologist mentioned that he did not like to use to term "committed suicide" when referring to the suicide of those with severe mental disorders. He said that these individuals don't really have the mental faculties to truly acknowledge the implications of their suicidal behavior, and, as such, the word committed is not appropriate. Rather, it is as if their suicide were a fate mapped out by their disorder.

When I look at her through this biological and environmental lens, the primary emotion I feel is not anger or resentment, but compassion.

Now that is not to say that she should be absolved from all her sins and that I should run back to her. No, far from it.

It does mean, though, that I can more readily forgive her. Forgiveness, I heard today, is not for the recipient of forgiveness, but for the giver of it. My forgiveness of her allows me to let her go rather than holding a grudge against her. A grudge that would only let her continue to have power over my emotions.

Acknowledging what I have gained from this relationship is crucial. I almost said this failed relationship. But I remembered something else I learned today. Failure is simply a label. Failure does not truly exist. Rather, all that exists is cause and effect; actions and reactions, actions and results, actions and outcomes.

Can I learn to laugh at failure's funny dream? That is to say, can I learn from my mistakes. Can I replace that negative word "mistake" with the more positive: "learning opportunity."

What are your thoughts?

What have you gained?

[Darsha500]

"Forgive them, for they know not what they do."

I've been reflecting on compassion and forgiveness.

Going through the grieving process, I cannot help but experience surges of anger, and vindictive rage. I think about the nasty ways she treated me, about how she had cheated on me in a really repulsive way with her ex. How she even showed me the grotesque pictures from the situation, as if that were necessary. Then I think about the things I "should" have said:

"Your f*cking crazy! Don't you see how insane you are!"

The thought that has been occurring repeatedly is, in fact, "she is f@cking insane." But then I have to remind myself to finish that thought. "She is f@cking insane... .And I love her."

One of the greatest gifts I think I have gotten from this failed relationship is a deepened sense of compassion.

I reflect now back on that initial quote I opened with: "forgive them for they know not what they do."

I think those words are worth reflecting on when in the pangs of grief. I have to remind myself that this person is severely ill. I have to remind myself of the tragic circumstances under which my ex was brought up.

Actually, I was doing my mandated reporter training for work yesterday and it was outlining the various forms of child abuse. I was brought to tears. It made me so angry, thinking of all the torment she endured growing up. I thought, though this relationship would never have happened if it were not for her upbringing - as, in the grand scheme of things, it was definitely her BPD that brought us together - and I am very grateful for our relationship, I would give it up in a heart beat to spare her from the abuse she endured.

I also have to remind myself of the determinants of her behavior. I'm not saying that the behavior of a borderline is predetermined, of course free will is involved. Yet, the biological underpinnings of the disorder are undeniable. I have to remember that her brain is not "right," it is not normal - it is abnormal. And her brain is abnormal partly due to the horrific environment in which it was formed.

It follows from here that her abnormal brain, being the seat of her consciousness, the source of her being, is largely responsible for her abnormal behavior.

I'm reminded here of something I just heard in a video hosted on this site. A psychologist mentioned that he did not like to use to term "committed suicide" when referring to the suicide of those with severe mental disorders. He said that these individuals don't really have the mental faculties to truly acknowledge the implications of their suicidal behavior, and, as such, the word committed is not appropriate. Rather, it is as if their suicide were a fate mapped out by their disorder.

When I look at her through this biological and environmental lens, the primary emotion I feel is not anger or resentment, but compassion.

Now that is not to say that she should be absolved from all her sins and that I should run back to her. No, far from it.

It does mean, though, that I can more readily forgive her. Forgiveness, I heard today, is not for the recipient of forgiveness, but for the giver of it. My forgiveness of her allows me to let her go rather than holding a grudge against her. A grudge that would only let her continue to have power over my emotions.

Acknowledging what I have gained from this relationship is crucial. I almost said this failed relationship. But I remembered something else I learned today. Failure is simply a label. Failure does not truly exist. Rather, all that exists is cause and effect; actions and reactions, actions and results, actions and outcomes.

Can I learn to laugh at failure's funny dream? That is to say, can I learn from my mistakes. Can I replace that negative word "mistake" with the more positive: "learning opportunity."

What are your thoughts?

What have you gained?

[once removed]

im impressed darsha500. enough to tear up a bit upon reading this. youve thought long and hard about this and done a lot of soul searching.

forgiveness isnt always easy. its easiest when we get an apology or the person shows remorse, and many of us never see that. your compassion comes from a place of real strength, and insight, and maturity.

"Forgiveness, I heard today, is not for the recipient of forgiveness, but for the giver of it. My forgiveness of her allows me to let her go rather than holding a grudge against her. A grudge that would only let her continue to have power over my emotions.

That is to say, can I learn from my mistakes. Can I replace that negative word "mistake" with the more positive: "learning opportunity."   

i couldnt have put it better. this attitude will be invaluable to your healing, thank you for sharing it here.

[GreenGrover]

Lovely thoughts, Darsha.

Like you, I often have surges of anger, which is normal.  However, I also stop and remind myself that my exbffBPD's life has been terrible, is terrible, and will continue to be terrible.  The scars all over her body from cutting are not the result of anything other than self-loathing, shame, and wanting to feel something other than the emptiness she feels all the time.  The anger she directed at me had nothing to do with me.

[Darsha500]

Just want you to know your feedback is really appreciated. Sincerely, thank you.

[FannyB]

in the grand scheme of things, it was definitely her BPD that brought us together - and I am very grateful for our relationship

Hi Darsha

This is great insight. Many on these boards curse BPD for wrecking their 'perfect relationship' without realising that BPD probably gave them that relationship in the first place.

Fanny

[Mutt]

Can I learn to laugh at failure's funny dream? That is to say, can I learn from my mistakes. Can I replace that negative word "mistake" with the more positive: "learning opportunity."

Hi Darsha500,

That's great that your grieving has deepened your sense of compassion  

I agree it is a learning opportunity and what I gained is that my ex partner that suffers from mental illness is a teacher. There are many opportunities and lessons that we can learn about ourselves.

[HappyNihilist]

Darsha, thank you so much for sharing this lovely, heartfelt post with us.

In answer to your question, I learned a lot about myself as a result of my BPD relationship. I became more forgiving, compassionate, and accepting. I lost a whole lot of ego - in a good way. I began to explore who I really was, asking questions of myself that I probably wouldn't have thought of to ask without being stripped to my core by the relationship. I stepped back and looked at my own patterns.

Acknowledging what I have gained from this relationship is crucial.

Absolutely! These relationships have so much to teach us about ourselves. They open up doors into parts of ourselves that we've never truly explored. The opportunity given to us by a disordered relationship is a great gift.

in the grand scheme of things, it was definitely her BPD that brought us together - and I am very grateful for our relationship

This is great insight. Many on these boards curse BPD for wrecking their 'perfect relationship' without realising that BPD probably gave them that relationship in the first place.

I agree with Fanny - this is great insight on your part. You're doing good work.

I almost said this failed relationship. But I remembered something else I learned today. Failure is simply a label. Failure does not truly exist. Rather, all that exists is cause and effect; actions and reactions, actions and results, actions and outcomes.

Can I learn to laugh at failure's funny dream? That is to say, can I learn from my mistakes. Can I replace that negative word "mistake" with the more positive: "learning opportunity."

This is beautiful.

I often train new employees. I always tell them this - that making mistakes shows you're trying, and that they only remain mistakes if you don't learn from them.

You show a lot of strength and resiliency. It's great that you've gained such compassion and personal insight on your healing journey, Darsha.