So what happens when you meet up with the girl of your dreams who you have watched from afar for many years, but who also happens to have BPD? A woman who is stunningly attractive, to the point where she was out of my league just a bit. A woman who seemed so into me that it had to be real! Every date was like a fairytale dream. Only problem was she was married, but also separated. She made sure everyone knew she was separated too, on facebook. Enter me.
We carried on like this for 6 months. In the end she told me that it was over with her husband and he was going to come and take the furniture and etc. and I would move in. She told this guy about me too, which in hindsight and as I think about him, I feel bad for this poor guy too. What must he be dealing with each and every day? Who his wife will sleep with next? Anyhow, on the day of what was to be our coming out party, and official announcement of our relationship with her family, she had me drive an hour to see her, and even while I was on my way she called and happily announced how much fun we were going to have. However, once I got there and was there but a short moment, she came in and said "i need to talk to you... .I can't do this anymore"
Since then I had a discussion with her mother, because her mom liked me a lot. And her mother told me about BPD. Her mother is married to a psychologist and so that is how she knows. Oddly enough I often witnessed my ex being extremely mean to her mother but I didn't know the full story so I didn't judge but thought it odd. So once her mother told me she had BPD with narcissistic traits I started reading about it here. I find these posts to be incredibly helpful to read as it's always good to realize we aren't alone with our struggles.
Our breakup happened almost 2 months ago. Then when her husband left for a week she invited me back to her place and on some dates. I went along thinking I could handle it. Trying to keep my heart detached but, I realize that my addiction to her is too strong. What I thought was love was really just my addiction to how great she made me feel. Now, as time has gone on there are times I feel pretty strong. However, many nights after a few drinks I would call, email, text, etc. The last time I called her at night her husband called me back saying dont call her anymore and she told me she blocked my number and "i hope you understand".
But then, I got an email one morning saying I am laying here right now thinking about you and masturbating. Or I might get a revealing pic sent to me. Then nothing. I am getting sick of being played. I know she is keeping me there just enough , and many times has also said she would "like to just be friends". Which I have no want of doing because I still think of her in a romantic way. It would only torture me.
A couple days ago I decided to go mostly NC. I say mostly because I might still respond to an email. Like yesterday I got an email of about 3 or 4 sentences and unlike what I normally do, I replied with something like "ok sounds good" and left it at that. I also am not initiating any contact. I had asked her if she would see me for my birthday next week (yes I just wanted the sex) but she refused but said we could "go to lunch". Which I have no intention of doing not because I hate this person but because I know it would pull on me too hard to see her in a friendship mode.
So that's my struggle after 2 months. After her husband called me I sent her an email saying to not contact me and I would not contact her. But of course, she contacted me with an email that said " I miss you" or " I don't want to lose you" or " why cant we be friends". I find this extremely selfish on her part. Why not just let me go?
This woman was unlike anyone I have ever known and I do know she cared for me in her own way, the way she was capable of, but I am trying to not say her name and etc. as my friends and family get tired of hearing about it!
I usually pride myself on having my act together but this woman unraveled me in a way I was not prepared for. I know the things that were there that drew me to her, and I know the best thing I can do right now is work on me. Hang with friends, do my hobbies etc. as these were things I did before her but lost sight of during the relationship.
I know we're all dealing with the pain of heartache and I hope you all will heal and find comfort from within. As for me, I am leaving now to go golfing with friends! Thanks for listening.
