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Daniell85
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« on: August 23, 2015, 10:24:32 AM » |
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I have not had any contact with boyfriend for over a week now. He has a contact request on Skype ( after I kicked him off) but I have not done anything about that, except let it lie.
I saw my therapist this past Wednesday. I talked to her about the boundary issue. She is onto it, but it seems in a "let's start at the bottom" way. My homework this week was to put my level of anxiety/panic on a scale of 1-100. Events, daily level of it. To step back from it, examine what the triggering event is, and what I do to redirect myself so I am able to get through the day with a minimum of panic attacks, upsets.
We figured, like what you guys told me here, that the boundary issues I have are putting me into situations I perceive on some level ( any level) as dangerous. I have been having extreme reactions : fight or flight. All in or an all out disappearing act to avoid conflict. Most of these "dangerous" situations have to do with trying to be there with my boyfriend while he walks all over my boundaries and flat out ignores increasingly upset requests from me to stop.
His explanation for not observing the boundaries ( for himself in his life too!) is that he is upset at me for getting so upset at him for the violations, he doesn't feel like doing as he is being asked. And he says he knows how to restore trust between us, but he doesn't understand why I need what I need because he is not doing anything wrong in his actions with other women. ( he is)
What is going through my mind right now in terms of him, is that I am having a lot of impatience and anger at him. I don't think I can even talk to him and be basically respectful right now. I was hoping I would be able to in a couple more weeks.
Thing is, he is now firing off in any direction he has an impulse to and none of it is helpful to regaining my respect, the behaviors he did over the last few months are fueling a lot of my anxiety ( and he is keeping up the same behaviors) and I feel so bitter and nasty from it all and the duration of it all... .I am just kind of sat here in a state of feeling this can never be fixed
I don't know how people here have been able to stand in the face of this deliberate destructive behavior, it all feels soo personal to me. Like an attack on me, deliberate provocations to get a reaction, an attempt to show me that he will do whatever he wants, and will specifically do exactly the things that cause the upset and violate basic boundaries...
All I see is someone who is out of control, disrespectful, who lies, triangulates me against at least 3 other women on a regular basis.
I am having a seriously hard time not being judgemental and wanting to cuss him out ( I know it won't help)
What I do know helps is quiet on my part. It's better than getting sucked into drama or as the persecutor. I am trying to find some balance here, but the very thought of stepping into all of that chaos and trying to help sort it is pretty scary. I am to the point, that I truly believe that anything he knows that I need or want, he is going to make SURE I don't get, and it will be followed by more lies, gaslighting, and attempts to project onto me the whole mess.
What do I do? I know if I could hold myself together calmly, over time, his behavior would become less and he would start to feel I am on his side, and he would do this stuff less and less. It's what he does. I understand all about taking it for the team. At the same time, I am so resentful, that I can't even make myself try to tell him WHY I need for him to rebuild trust by HIM observing boundaries that protect himself, me and the relationship. HE is ok with doing whatever whim he gets. HE will listen and acknowledge, make his promises and then the first moment the agreements are challenged, BAM, he does whatever he wants.
I get nowhere. I got nowhere. I know for the next couple of weeks, I am not talking to him about anything. He keeps persisting on the Skype thing, but has not bothered to call me or email me.
Reminder, we are long distance. So no face to face unless one of us drives a few hours over to the other. I have no intention of doing that for now.
How do I communicated the boundaries ( again!) about other women without coming across as "demands" or threats or ultimatums?
I know I will attempt to have this conversation at some point. Really need some help how to do it. Was going to write an email. I can't do it now, because I am so angry, disgusted and really really just HATE how he is acting.
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