Just like a drug right?

[Yolanda123]

I have been separated from my exBPDbf since June 3. Since then, he has contacted me (texts, calls, home or work voicemail, popping up on me at work – he lives 2 streets from my workplace – not talking to me except for the first 2 weeks following the b/u, but just making sure he is around at the right time, to be seen when I arrive in the morning, when I go out to lunch, or when I leave at the end of the day. Telling lies about me to people. 29 times total in 16 weeks. An average of 1.81 times per week. Not so bad, I guess it could be worse, but every time I think he’s done, something happens.

I have been ignoring all his attempts to reach me for 14 weeks. Not a peep from me.

My story is like all the other stories here. I have been uncovering and still am to this day, A LOT of lies and deception, from the entire duration of the 1 year and ½ relationship.  Betrayals under various forms, that have each time hurt me deeply, because I loved him and I let him into my life with trust.

I have gone deep into myself and I have been taking responsibility for my part in the toxic relationship. For my need to be validated by someone else and my need to hear that I am lovable by someone else. I was hungry for the love and the admiration. I was hungry for the attention, the affection and the passion. I have learned a lot about myself and I am really grateful for that.

I want to go on with my life and I don’t want him part of it in any form. He is not a good person. I am not perfect. I have made mistakes. I have my own issues that needed to be addressed. But I have done nothing bad to him.  I don’t even wish him bad stuff now after all I know. I just want him to disappear and leave me alone. Sometimes I get so angry still that after all the ugly stuff he did to me, and all the ways he disrespected me, stuff that he does not even take responsibility for, on top on that, he is now trying to achieve what with the stalking, calls, messages…? Punishing me? For what? Sometimes I just don’t care for the BPD ‘excuse’, he can’t help it, it’s the disorder, for the ‘it takes two to tango’. I am just furious at him and disgusted.

And here is the only place where I can say that. He is a highly toxic and disgusting man. Sometimes I still feel love for him and feel sorry for him.

I just needed to get it out because if I say that to people around me they will think I am crazy.

[Mutt]

Hi Yolanda123,

I'm sorry that you're going through all of this. I agree it's not fair that you're being treated this way. I agree with you that it's good to get this stuff out and share with people that have walked a mile in your shoes. I understand how frustrating that is when we share things that are directed at us from someone that suffers mental illness and the person seems like they can keep things together in front of others. Sometimes people in real life don't get it, at least that's the experience I have had for the last decade.

[Yolanda123]

Thank you Mutt for your response

I was just talking with a co-worker who leaves work at 4:15 PM while I leave at 4:30 PM. He asked me if me and exBPDbf were still together, I said no, not for a few months. Then he told me he sees him almost everyday in front of the building when he leaves. I see him 1-2 times a weeks average but I assume now he's around more often than that, I just don't see him all the time.

I am wondering why does he do that? Since he had so many other women on the side while with me, since he never really loved or cared for me, why does he feel the need to do that? Why won't he just move on to a new shiny toy and leave me alone?

I still don't get why they do that