Weekend Plans Argument

[DevilYouKnow]

So I made plans this weekend to go visit my family (about 3 hours from home) for my dad's birthday.  Nothing major, just go there on Saturday and come back on Sunday.  My uBPDw has things she'd prefer to do at home, which is fine with me since I can't spend good quality time with my family while constantly attending to her.  I got a guilt trip about how hard it is for her to deal with the kids without me and how she won't be able to get anything done while I'm gone, so I (nicely) called her bluff and said I'd take the kids with me so she could have time by herself to do what she wanted to do.  I figured it would be a win for everyone; the kids would love seeing their grandparents, and vice versa (my dad is not in great health and I don't know how many more opportunities there will be), my wife can do whatever she wants with no distraction, and I don't have to have my visit and its aftermath spoiled by calls/texts/lectures about how inconsiderate I am for abandoning her with a pack of chaotic, destructive hellbeasts for 24 hours. 

No go; she flat refused the idea of me taking the kids, saying it was "too dangerous" and she "can't be without the kids."  Now intellectually I know that this is just her rationalizing some irrational BPD fears of abandonment, etc., and that I shouldn't take it personally or be offended; however, I can't help but be a little offended.  First, at the implication that the kids are somehow in some sort of heightened danger with me.  I'm not taking them to run with the bulls; this is a trip we've taken before, with me driving (she never drives when I'm available to do it), so apparently the only thing standing between idyllic family vacation and Mad Max: Fury Road is her Facebooking on her phone in the front seat.  Second, if she is (however irrationally) convinced that this is going to end in tragedy to the point of forbidding the kids to go, why doesn't the same apply to me?  Her love for the kids isn't always functional, but I know it's love; the same isn't true for me.  Sometimes I'm something she merely tolerates, and the best I really get is friendliness-- never true affection or intimacy or things I would associate with love.  That kind of grinds on me too.

I tried to validate her feelings, but also be logical about it, which of course failed and ended with her just shutting down the conversation.  I don't want to press the point too hard because I'm still getting to go with a minimum of histrionics (so far), so I consider that a win and a step in the right direction.  I don't really ever do anything just for me, so this should help.  Any thoughts on how to just let my own insecurities go on this?

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[Notwendy]

Sometimes I think we can get sidetracked by requests from a pwBPD because underneath the request is a feeling they are afraid to express. If we offer a logical solution to that request, then - that doesn't address the feeling and the conversation takes on the direction yours did- with more "reasons", none of which you can offer a solution to ( take the kids, don't take the kids).

This is confusing, because we can't read minds.

I can't read your wife's mind, but I think that for some reason, she does not want you to go. She knows it would come off as unreasonable to say " you can't visit your parents" so she is coming up with other reasons. When you offered a solution to being home with the kids, then she started on reasons why you can't take them. Now the conversation is side tracked into an argument over that. Under it all is that she doesn't want you to leave, but by creating the conflict over the kids, she doesn't take ownership of that.

I don't think this is necessarily with bad intent or done deliberately. I think it is part of their communication style.

It kind of puts you in a situation where, in order for her to be happy, you would need to stay and forgo your visit. If you leave, either with or without the kids, then she will not be happy. However if you don't see your parents, then you are not acting according to your values.

You could try validating her feelings, but not forgoing your trip. That will be harder in the moment than giving in, but repeatedly giving in  reinforces her ability to restrict you to manage her fears.