Findings from a failed recycle

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So it all fell over again, perhaps unsurprisingly.

This time we had been NC for 2 months, well I say NC, she had reached out every 2-3 weeks for something and I had replied short but sweet so I guess it was LC, after 2 months she ramped up her attempts and I decided to give things another go.

During the time apart I had been studying a lot of David De'Angelo and Corey Wayne, and had come to the understanding that BPD or no BPD, I had been getting a lot wrong in the RS, these two guys helped me quite a bit in understanding relationship dynamics, self esteem, emotional maturity etc, so I thought i'd give things another go armed with new knowledge and feeling positive.

It was the exact same process again, I have to say I did everything textbook for the first few weeks, she was telling me she loved me, wanted to try, etc etc, contacting me a lot, came to see me once or twice,  introduced me to new friend she had made, although she was reluctant to spend real time together,  I took a patient approach, just acting happy, doing my own thing and thinking she'd come to me in time.

Before too long though I just got tired of things, I mean after a month if you aren't spending any time together how much can she really "miss" me. I started to get suspicious that i was in "placeholder" position, I did a little bit of snooping and found that she had been "liking" every post of this new guy she added on facebook, granted this may just be nothing, but I am aware i'm dealing with someone who has lied and cheated, habitually over and over and over again, so I couldn't trust her.

Anyway in the end I called things off again, of course I was blamed for not being patient, expecting too much etc, same old story but what it comes down to is that it doesn't really matter what you do, it's THEM who has the problem, so you can clean your own side up as much as possible and live a life of trying to manage things with them as much as possible, and 99% chance you will fail and fail bad.

OR, you can get out of the wave of destruction and get on with your own life. I'm not sad it's over, I am glad I avoided being screwed too badly, I left the scene before she could get any shots off on me, and i'm just going to put in some self work and self improvement. I am sad that it wont be possible to even be friends because I wouldn't have been opposed to just being that as long as this "relationship" charade was over and done with but you know how they are, if you aren't in the exact spot they want you in they can't handle it.

She couldn't handle me not wanting a RS with her, even though she didn't want one with me, she just needed me to want her.

Sad.

Anyway, peace.

[Infern0]

So it all fell over again, perhaps unsurprisingly.

This time we had been NC for 2 months, well I say NC, she had reached out every 2-3 weeks for something and I had replied short but sweet so I guess it was LC, after 2 months she ramped up her attempts and I decided to give things another go.

During the time apart I had been studying a lot of David De'Angelo and Corey Wayne, and had come to the understanding that BPD or no BPD, I had been getting a lot wrong in the RS, these two guys helped me quite a bit in understanding relationship dynamics, self esteem, emotional maturity etc, so I thought i'd give things another go armed with new knowledge and feeling positive.

It was the exact same process again, I have to say I did everything textbook for the first few weeks, she was telling me she loved me, wanted to try, etc etc, contacting me a lot, came to see me once or twice,  introduced me to new friend she had made, although she was reluctant to spend real time together,  I took a patient approach, just acting happy, doing my own thing and thinking she'd come to me in time.

Before too long though I just got tired of things, I mean after a month if you aren't spending any time together how much can she really "miss" me. I started to get suspicious that i was in "placeholder" position, I did a little bit of snooping and found that she had been "liking" every post of this new guy she added on facebook, granted this may just be nothing, but I am aware i'm dealing with someone who has lied and cheated, habitually over and over and over again, so I couldn't trust her.

Anyway in the end I called things off again, of course I was blamed for not being patient, expecting too much etc, same old story but what it comes down to is that it doesn't really matter what you do, it's THEM who has the problem, so you can clean your own side up as much as possible and live a life of trying to manage things with them as much as possible, and 99% chance you will fail and fail bad.

OR, you can get out of the wave of destruction and get on with your own life. I'm not sad it's over, I am glad I avoided being screwed too badly, I left the scene before she could get any shots off on me, and i'm just going to put in some self work and self improvement. I am sad that it wont be possible to even be friends because I wouldn't have been opposed to just being that as long as this "relationship" charade was over and done with but you know how they are, if you aren't in the exact spot they want you in they can't handle it.

She couldn't handle me not wanting a RS with her, even though she didn't want one with me, she just needed me to want her.

Sad.

Anyway, peace.

[FannyB]

Hi Inferno

I was curious as to how you'd get on second time around. Sounds like you gave it your best shot, but came to the mature realisation that ultimately you can't have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person. 

You don't seem too burned by the break-up and at least you've eliminated any 'what ifs' that may have existed after the previous parting of the ways.

You absolutely certain there won't be a round 3?


Fanny

[Infern0]

Hi Inferno

I was curious as to how you'd get on second time around. Sounds like you gave it your best shot, but came to the mature realisation that ultimately you can't have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person.  

You don't seem too burned by the break-up and at least you've eliminated any 'what ifs' that may have existed after the previous parting of the ways.

You absolutely certain there won't be a round 3?


Fanny

No.

Sorry, wish i could say I was but i'm an honest peron, I don't think I can ever rule it out, it all depends, I don't think i'd get lured in again but I have no hatred for her, i do still care on some levels and if she comes back i'd talk to her so I can't say no i'm 100% done for good.

It's not doing me any damage right now though, it doesn't effect me quite the same as before. It is true though you cannot have a healthy RS with these people, she needs a LOT of therapy and a real attitude change to WANT to improve.

She does appear to be changing subtypes from Waif to Hermit, which worries me a bit, she barely leaves her room anymore and I think a big crash is probably incoming unless she can line up new supply pretty fast, The way she is abusing her body is totally unsustainable so I think another hospitalisation is incoming as well so it may be the kick she needs to get back in T.

So we will see. I'll keep you all updated anyhow.

[FannyB]

She does appear to be changing subtypes from Waif to Hermit, which worries me a bit, she barely leaves her room anymore and I think a big crash is probably incoming unless she can line up new supply pretty fast, The way she is abusing her body is totally unsustainable so I think another hospitalisation is incoming as well so it may be the kick she needs to get back in T.

I noticed this same tendency emerging in my ex before she 'popped' and succumbed to her underlying anxiety disorder. Like you I couldn't say 'never' either, but then I don't see any long term sexual attraction in being with someone you effectively have to parent!

Like you said, a commitment to therapy and real change is the key, but when your survival strategy works well for you - why should they bother? 


Fanny

[Nextinline]

Inferno

I have not long crashed and burned from a failed second recycle. She led me to believe that she had done work on herself and had grown up and had learned from her experiences.

Me being the fool believed it as I had done a lot of work on myself and had studied here to understand how better to respond to these people.

So I went down the engagement path, bought a ring, proposed while we were on holidays overseas... .only to find out that the guy she wanted out of her life to be with me was very much back in it and she was lying and cheating on me.

So recycle at your own risk I guess. I think that the more knowledge that we get about how to deal with these people just makes us more cynical about them when they attempt to recycle.

I just don't think they can have a healthy relationship. It is just not possible for them and we seem to be the ones that end up suffering in the long run as they don't appear to be able to feel any sense of remorse.

I guess you are the only one who knows how often you are prepared to put your hand in the fire... .because the burning is inevitable!

Good luck with it.

[Trog]

I would argue with the notion that we are the ones that end up suffering 'in the long run'. Generally we suffer immense pain in the short term but in the long run, they wind up the net losers in love.

[FannyB]

I would argue with the notion that we are the ones that end up suffering 'in the long run'. Generally we suffer immense pain in the short term but in the long run, they wind up the net losers in love.

Agreed. We only lose in the long run if we fail to learn from our mistakes. PwBPD are destined to fail unless the light bulb comes on and they commit to treatment.

[Sadly]

I agree with FB, (no not Facebook) . They suffer inside, in their lonely anxious world even if outwardly the can't, don't show it (except in anger). Hard as it is to imagine it let alone say it but our own selves will come back with love and help, theirs especially those who will never acknowledge it enough to get treatment is the proverbial albatross hanging around their neck for ever. Sobering thought.

[Mr Hollande]

Hi Infern0,

I can identify with your recent experience. During the last recycle, when I was still naïve enough to believe that we had overcome another (and hoping it was our last) bumpy ride, I had the constant feeling that parts of her were off limits. I felt I couldn't reach her like I had before. I made the mistake of mentioning it, not to have a go but with the hope of her opening up and letting me in, and it triggered her and set off the mother of all rages.

Although I was still in enough denial to believe that we could carry on we were pretty much over after that.

[apollotech]

She couldn't handle me not wanting a RS with her, even though she didn't want one with me, she just needed me to want her.

Sad.

Yes, the attachment is the priority, not the person they are attached to.

Sorry you had to walk away Infern0, but it's good to hear that you're better handling this b/u. Keep working on yourself, as you are a person that you can change.

[Pretty Woman]

Nextinline---Great name, BTW... .

Your story is proof each recycle just burns us more and more. You get more invested and then like Groundhog Day it's over again!

[rotiroti]

Wow what an update Infern0,

I like that you went in with the right mind and toolset to gave it your best shot... .

I think the most important part is that you  arrived at the conclusion that you can only change yourself. And it's tiring when changing to appease a pwBPD becomes a lifestyle.

[gameover]

Hey Infern0,

Props on setting boundaries and sticking to them.  I'm sorry things didn't work out.

But a word of caution:  Don't let the outcome with one girl discourage you from developing your relationship tool sets.  The purpose of boundaries isn't to make someone fall for you due to your high level of self-respect.  That's a marketing gimmick--the purpose of boundaries is to filter out the people that don't match your lifestyle.

Unfortunately, there are some beautiful, fun, smart women that won't make it past the filter.  But the good new is that there are beautiful, fun, smart women out there who will.  As long as you're able to walk away, you can enjoy the process--a relationship isn't about 'success' vs 'failure,' it's about what you learn in the process.

And it's not about winning the girl.  It's about finding a girl who works with you.

All the best.

[enlighten me]

Hi inferno

Glad you got out reletively unscathed. At times I think I might give her another chance if circumstances were different. I then think of ketchup and that idea vanishes. it might sound odd but i hate tomato ketchup and my ex used to use it a lot in cooking. This one thought grounds me and reminds me of all the things i did to fit into her life when she did nothing to accomadate my needs.

[Infern0]

Interesting you mention Corey Wayne Inferno, I'm a fan as well.  One thing he says that I totally agree with is we must always be aware of the level of attraction someone we're dating has for us, and if there isn't any or it's low, don't chase, walk away.  Man, if I'd taken that advice with my borderline ex we wouldn't have lasted very long at all, maybe a couple of months.  Curious, when you noticed she wasn't that into you, what did you do?  How long did you hang around?  Did you notice the dynamic shift?

I was hyper aware of her attraction level and I did what Corey suggests I. E not chasing But coreys work is designed for use on normal people.  For instance I tried to set dates when she reached out and when she made excuses tried to exit the conversation. She got offended and used emotional blackmail to try and keep me engaged with her.

His stuff is good though, it shows that you need a healthy person to have a RS with,  BPD play by their own rulebook.

[myself]

Most recycles don't work out, so it's not a fail.

You're more sure of the patterns now, on both sides.

Doing something about yours, which is the best choice.

[LostGhost]

I had a friend giving me that kind of advice too that would probably work only in a normal relationship. When I tried in mine it just made things way worse. So is there any way to get them to feel attraction towards you again that doesn't involve making yourself unavailable? Wish I had known the secret. I hung around for 5 or 6 months after her attraction clearly died out. She was perfectly happy keeping me around in every capacity, just no sex.

[fromheeltoheal]

Interesting you mention Corey Wayne Inferno, I'm a fan as well.  One thing he says that I totally agree with is we must always be aware of the level of attraction someone we're dating has for us, and if there isn't any or it's low, don't chase, walk away.  Man, if I'd taken that advice with my borderline ex we wouldn't have lasted very long at all, maybe a couple of months.  Curious, when you noticed she wasn't that into you, what did you do?  How long did you hang around?  Did you notice the dynamic shift?

I was hyper aware of her attraction level and I did what Corey suggests I. E not chasing But coreys work is designed for use on normal people.  For instance I tried to set dates when she reached out and when she made excuses tried to exit the conversation. She got offended and used emotional blackmail to try and keep me engaged with her.

His stuff is good though, it shows that you need a healthy person to have a RS with,  BPD play by their own rulebook.

Exactly, and as we become healthy men, the actions of unhealthy women become completely unacceptable, to the point where we don't even get off square one with them.  Life is too short for such nonsense.