Feel myself changing

[townhouse]

There have been some very good thoughtful discussions going on over the last few days and I have appreciated once again the company I keep here on the forum.

I am going through a bad time in my relationship at the moment. This has been brought on by my partners' irrational hatred of our builder (see Stressful Times thread if you would like background. )

He has turned to severely ridiculing me that I chose this builder (we both did) and have paid him the money to build our houses. (I pay my bills and am not dishonest ... .he is a former bankrupt before he met me)

He is raging and sniping at me about other things as well eg my cooking, my housekeeping, my looks, called me stupid twice and that I am mentally deficient. It is beyond me to validate and not JADE as he has become obsessive/delusional.

I did have a meltdown and told him a few of my opinions/truths (he hates the word 'truth' because 'truth is a social construct'.)  One of the hurtful things for me is that after living together for 13 years, last January he said he really loved me and wanted to get married, we planned the date and told his daughter and his brother.  I did read one post on here where it was mentioned that BPD's don't change after marriage and this I understand ... .marriage for me would have been validating and something I did want... .don't feel right about living together without it. After a particularly bad dysregulation end of Feb he has never mentioned the marriage again. I tried to bring it up once but was fobbed off.

During my meltdown I brought this up. He snarled something I couldn't quite hear and then went silent and wouldn't repeat. I mention this marriage thing as an aside to the real problem which is that I don't know what to do.

I feel I am badly co dependant and am very conflicted whether I should stay in this relationship. I wish I hadn't gone back at his instigation when he threw me out 3 years ago for 6 months. I was almost happy and liking my life. Now with the new houses, there is more complication and yes I am down financially.

As well as BPD I am becoming sure that narcissism plays a part in his personality. There is this hubris, superiority but underneath I can see the low self worth. There is bound to be because although intelligent academically he has never achieved any success in employment or with acquiring any money/wealth at all. He's 65. It's obvious perhaps that this is why he is both with me and resents me.

The one reason that I acknowledge that keeps me here is that there has never been a hint of another person in our relationship. There wasn't in his previous marriage either. Whereas, I was in a previous marriage with a serial unfaithful man, so I know how devastating that can be to our self worth. Hugs to people who have this to contend with. I guess that is my number one boundary.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, with BPDh I've found the surest way to assure I won't get something is to say I want it! Okay, maybe not always, but I feel with emotional things, that's mostly true. Material things, he finds much easier to give, reassurance or respect, not so much.

It does sound as if your partner feels he needs you, but resents you. He sounds like he's jealous of your successes? No matter how smart pwBPD are, unless they are really high functioning, it usually ends up affecting employment. Their interactions with others make it hard to get ahead.

While it's great that you don't fear him cheating, is that enough to keep you in this relationship? I had to really weigh what I got out of my marriage, in order to reconcile. I accepted that BPDh will likely change very little, if at all, and had to consider if I could live with that. I decided I could, and that I had to work on ME, and how I react and accept things, because I can only count on me working on things.

It's also likely that this building the house is a huge stressor on him. Death, divorce, moving, building, are all things that are stressors in any relationship, but throw in a personality disorder, and it can be a huge stressor.

Can you ignore his sniping? I know it's hard, and I've blown up a couple times, or broke down crying a LOT, but I get better results when I just ignore the slurs and negativity. Just because someone wants to run you down, or assassinate your character, it doesn't make it  true. I often repeat that to myself in my head.

[foggydew]

sniping... .my friend and I have seemingly moved into another period concerning sniping. He has done it a lot - but I decided not to react to it, and the amount reduced. It has been really difficult - but I chose someone to confide in where I could let off steam, and it helped me. The next phase has been telling him that I have been waiting for the things he is saying, and that I miss it if he doesn't say them. Said with a smile. Result? Again, less sniping, some of the sniping said with a smile! But I am consistently refusing to take the sniping seriously, and gently make fun of his attitudes... .but in a way that he realises I accept him as he is. If I try to speak to him directly or seriously about it, the wall comes up and there are difficulties... but otherwise he is beginning to criticise himself. I don't know if this will work for everyone. As BPD people often seem to realise something is not really ticking right with them but have the desperate need to be ok and be right, maybe it helps.

[townhouse]

Thanks for replying Cer and Cat and with both providing insights and comfort in the storm.

Sniping Yes... .in less dysreg times can be 'banter' which is a gentle way of getting a point across... .works both ways I guess.

I am still just taking things a day at a time and finding ways to enjoy myself by gardening and painting. My partner has settled down a little but the builder hatred is still bubbling along under the surface. He will all of a sudden speak about the new house as if it is a continuing conversation he is having in his head. I am a lot calmer and don't react but not quite able to validate as I saw what happened with that a few days ago. I just change the subject in a non confrontational way or wander out of the room.

I am still ' Staying ' but have sort of set a date to reassess how our relationship is in a year. If this next year has been as turbulent as this one, then I will have to end it as my health and own peace of mind is so important as well as the relationship.

I have been on this forum for 6 months and now I do have the tools and Lessons to fall back on plus the feedback and kind thoughts this forum provides. I do understand the value of mindfulness in times of dysregulation as someone said something like ... .if we can stay calm, then they can deal with their issues and their inner pain.